*hopelessness* what do you do when you feel this way?

[tmmo]

I don't know what I'm hoping for by posting this, I just need to get it out and hopefully someone can tell me how to stop feeling this way.

For a long time I've suffered from anxiety and depression, but lately I've been struggling. I feel like crying all the time, I'm tired with no energy. Everything is always tainted with a feeling of pointlessness whatever I'm doing or wherever I am, it's always there and everything just feels so pointless and I feel so worthless. I'm just so sad and so sick of feeling like this.

I wish I wasn't here, the only reason I have to carry on is my son. I know he needs me and he relies on me, no one else. But I really hate being alive. I feel so overwhelmed and I can't talk to anyone about this so it gets bottled up and hidden away inside.

I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions by my family and I just can't cope, I feel like taking my son and walking away from everyone and everything...but even that is impossible as I'm useless with no work experience or qualifications so no way of supporting us. I'm just so so useless and I don't know why I'm even here.

You said you’ve struggled for a long time... has anything helped in the past? Even a little? Even if you weren’t feeling as bad then? Do you still make time to do these things?

Thank you for replying. No, I don't know. I took medication for a while and had CBT for a bit too (stopped suddenly when my GP went went on sick leave) but that was for the anxiety, and the depression was never really discussed.

Oh, @tmmo I'm so sorry you feel this way . Can you think of any small things that make you feel a little bit happy? Anything at all? I get these feelings of being overwhelmed sometimes and I don't have anyone to talk to either and it really is awful.

Can't read and run, I've been where you are many times. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. You are definitely not useless. Do you enjoy anything at the moment? Something you can do with your son? I had a dip earlier this year and realised I wasn't doing anything enjoyable really. I'd recommend the samaritans as well. You don't have to be suicidal to call them and they are a really good listening ear. It helps just to get things out sometimes.

Your son Is your reason for living. You are obviously a great and caring Mum to him. Many children round the world are not so lucky. He's lucky to have you. Hold onto that precious thought.

You've done the smart thing reaching out for help. Did medication ever help in the past? Can you use it again? Could you try a different brand? Please see your doctor as soon as you can.

You are never alone. Many people feel pointlessness at times. More than ever right now with COVID I can be prone to depression - I have several reasons. My dog is my reason to get up in the morning most days.

There are people here who care. Just keep reaching out and we'll try to help

I'm so sorry you feel so bad. It's so hard feeling that way. Yes your son absolutely does need you very much.

You do sound like you could benefit from medication, in all honesty, and just a supportive listening ear. I think those are two important basics if you're depressed. But what do I do to help myself?

I have a Spotify playlist of really beautiful uplifting music which half an hour of helps me a lot. If you're clinically depressed that might not work for you though.

I try and do something creative. Just a little bit of work a day making something is so good for the soul. There are so many cheap crafts and free tutorials on YouTube and you don't have to be good at them, it's just good doing something and achieving a small goal

I try to get outdoors daily. Nature is very therapeutic as is walking. I quite often feel dreadful and force myself out and think it's not helping but when I get home I realise I'm ok again. It's the number one thing for me really.

Cold water therapy. There is increasing evidence this is really beneficial to some people with persistent low mood. It's a weird one to get your head around but I've been doing it for a while (swimming in cold water is best but if you can't do that locally, having as cold a shower as you can stand once a day is also good). I can't explain it easily and I know many people feeling low would struggle to try it, but it gets all your blood pumping round your body and I think stimulates endorphins? It gives you more energy and a sense of being able to try other things. It's the oddest thing but it can make a significant difference if you're feeling tired and low.

Connection with others - I know that's so hard right now but if you can get yourself out and talking to people then it does help. I would say get to a knitting group or a very low key choir but those things are largely on hold for now. But sitting for an hour and talking about nothing, even when you don't feel like it, can just turn a very bad day around.

Anyway, you aren't useless. You are a precious human with so much to offer, I'm sure, and I hope things get a bit easier for you. Please do talk to your gp even if you do nothing else.

For me, there have been a few things that help:
Recognising that the negative thoughts I have when I feel low don’t reflect how I’d think if not depressed, and knowing they’re a symptom.
Not placing too much value on these thoughts, other than as a reminder to look after myself.
Exercise daily (just a walk is enough, and it helps clear my head)
Put my phone on silent to minimise demands on me.
Get outside- sit in the garden, go for a walk, even a drive with the window down. It’s my escape.
Hug the dc/ stroke the dog.
Treat myself at least once a day (hard to fit in or justify to myself, but a bath with candles/ early night with a new book/ bit of chocolate/ cake in a coffee shop/ ice cream in a park are manageable even with dc and work.)
Find something to look forward to (I’m on Christmas at the moment- planning helps me focus on better times. Planning a day out with the dc, or a bbq, or a holiday also work for me)
Set a small goal each day and recognise these small achievements (any of the above count as when low it’s a struggle to motivate myself to do them. Other goals can be eg deep cleaning a certain bit of the house, doing something I’ve been putting off)
Connect with people who make you feel good about yourself If family are too demanding (even if that’s just a chat with someone in a shop!)

Thank you all. And I appreciate the suggestions! I feel less alone hearing from people who've felt this way or similar.

I try to do things out of the house on the weekend with my son like taking him for a walk etc but it's always there in the back of my mind. Whether I'm driving in the car, walking round the supermarket or watching tv.

I do think I need to talk to someone but I don't really want to bother the GP. The tablets I took before didn't really help and I think they just made me a bit detached.

I feel so trapped and I just want to run away and die somewhere

I really think you should speak to your GP. I've tried 7 different medications and I'm finally on the right one. It's changed my life.

It will be there in the back of your mind... for now. But eventually, if you keep up the things that push it to the back, go easy on yourself and give yourself other focuses, you’ll realise you haven’t thought about it for an hour, then 2 and eventually a day, a week and a month. It won’t feel like it now, but you WILL get there.

Hi OP. I’ve felt those things you are feeling and often still do. There’s no magic to it but one this I’m pretty sure is true and works is that you have to be kind to yourself. It sounds trite and of course it’s almost impossible when you feel at rock bottom...you don’t even have the energy to care for yourself beyond the basics. But if you can do one thing a day to make your day a little nicer, I would really recommend it.

For instance, buying a new type of tea (if you’re into tea!) and having five minutes to yourself trying out a new flavour.

Treating yourself to your favourite chocolate.

Buying yourself some flowers - doesn’t matter if they’re cheap supermarket ones for 3 quid, get them in that vase!

A bath with some new bubble bath or similar.

Anything small that makes you feel cared for. And bit by bit these things become habit and can build a sense of self care and feeling that you are worthwhile and you are important and needed in this world,just like everyone else. It’s not about having high expectations that things will sudden feel brilliant, but it’s about small moments that briefly make things a little less painful, even for a few minutes at a time.

It’s not a magic fix and probably therapy and your GP are also good things to look into.

But...I strongly believe that if you can find it in you to forget the idea of how you should feel and accept you’re feeling shit and doing your best to help yourself in these small ways... well you area pretty wonderful and strong person and that in itself is something to be proud of.

Please get yourself some flowers tomorrow. You matter...and in times when you feel like you don’t, you have to pretend to yourself by doing these small things and in time your mentality will shift even if a tiny bit. Please try it

Totally agree with @trays11 I often buy myself a cheap bunch of flowers when doing the food shop and I put them on my kitchen windowsill. They make me smile when I'm doing the washing up and are the first thing I see when I get home from work. It makes me feel cared for. It might seem silly but it helps me for sure!

When my dc were small I created a protocol for keeping depression at bay with many of the suggestions other pps have listed.

I learned to recognise and avoid/deal with obvious triggers. For me music is very powerful so I choose carefully. I can’t always manage the news. I’m cautious with films and books. And I’m aware that my monthly cycle plays a significant part.

Eventually I tried therapy which helped enormously. It wasn’t cbt, which works for many people but I didn’t find helpful, but a Carl Rodgers approach. It wasn’t a quick fix but over time I’ve found a lot of self acceptance. And rather than treating,or removing, the anxiety, I learned how to accept and recognise it and hold it in balance.

I began actively taking care of myself - almost as if I was my own child, and in doing so, I became aware of how terribly I had been treating myself before. I don’t tolerate the negative self talk anymore, anymore than I would allow someone to speak to my dc like that. It’s hard not to sound completely unhinged at this point, but it’s very powerful to call out your thoughts because a lot of the time, they’re not true. Don’t believe everything you think

Finally, I’ve tried to fill my day with small pleasures. Nothing major or expensive. I just take a moment to notice the pleasure of a mug in my hands and the first sip of tea, or the beauty of the steam curling over the kettle, or the sensation of grass between my toes in the garden. It’s tiny things but I suppose it trains my brain to look for positive things too.

These things occurred in stages for me, but I think the most important one was committing to doing something about it. In the beginning I couldn’t do it for me, but I could manage to do it for my child’s mother.

I think of anxiety and depression like alcoholism. In the same way that you can be a sober alcoholic, I feel that I’m just not actively depressed/anxious but that I have to take precautions. Over the last decade, those precautions have evolved into a fundamentally good way of living.

@thelegohooverer

When my dc were small I created a protocol for keeping depression at bay with many of the suggestions other pps have listed.

I learned to recognise and avoid/deal with obvious triggers. For me music is very powerful so I choose carefully. I can’t always manage the news. I’m cautious with films and books. And I’m aware that my monthly cycle plays a significant part.

Eventually I tried therapy which helped enormously. It wasn’t cbt, which works for many people but I didn’t find helpful, but a Carl Rodgers approach. It wasn’t a quick fix but over time I’ve found a lot of self acceptance. And rather than treating,or removing, the anxiety, I learned how to accept and recognise it and hold it in balance.

I began actively taking care of myself - almost as if I was my own child, and in doing so, I became aware of how terribly I had been treating myself before. I don’t tolerate the negative self talk anymore, anymore than I would allow someone to speak to my dc like that. It’s hard not to sound completely unhinged at this point, but it’s very powerful to call out your thoughts because a lot of the time, they’re not true. Don’t believe everything you think

Finally, I’ve tried to fill my day with small pleasures. Nothing major or expensive. I just take a moment to notice the pleasure of a mug in my hands and the first sip of tea, or the beauty of the steam curling over the kettle, or the sensation of grass between my toes in the garden. It’s tiny things but I suppose it trains my brain to look for positive things too.

These things occurred in stages for me, but I think the most important one was committing to doing something about it. In the beginning I couldn’t do it for me, but I could manage to do it for my child’s mother.

I think of anxiety and depression like alcoholism. In the same way that you can be a sober alcoholic, I feel that I’m just not actively depressed/anxious but that I have to take precautions. Over the last decade, those precautions have evolved into a fundamentally good way of living.

What a great post! Taking on board some of these tips

How are you feeling today OP?