SIL hypocrite over schooling

[Toobe]

SIL and I are BF. She met my brother through me. We got on so so well and always did things as a 4 through our teens and 20s. When we got pregnant at around the same time we were so pleased and she was an amazing support to me. SIL then had another DC but we still hung out all the time.

Trouble started when our oldest DC started school. SIL’s household income is much higher than ours but she has an excellent primary close by, ours is not so good so we sent our DC to the local private school. At once SIL started making comments about how my DC would feel too good for them. If DC was naughty she’d make comments about how much money we’re wasting when DC behaves like that. How it’s not fair to pay for DC’s education. Every time we see her there’s another dig and everything’s a competition. I’m so tired of it, especially as my DM occasionally joins in.

Thing is, SIL could afford private but has an excellent alternative. Her DC do a crazy amount of after school activities every single day of the week (swimming, horse riding, tennis, cricket, football, karate, piano, dance and theatre group) which costs a lot of money. She also paid for a tutor during lockdown. They have amazing holidays and days out giving their DCs experiences which we could never afford.

How is that not paying for your DC’s education? I really want to tell her she’s a complete hypocrite but it would create WW3. How can I tactfully deal with this?

In cases like this you have to be very clear that your decisions are yours and you wont take any criticism

I don't think I'd call that hypocritical. Totally irritating, and I think asking her to stop mentioning it is fair enough.

She's probably just one of those people who is very anti private schools. But she shouldn't keep criticising your choice.
Dh's family are very anti. They've always said that a bright child will do well anywhere, and you meet a greater range of people at a state. I disagree with the former-it's clearly not going to be true, they still need support and to be taught some things, even if it's only exam technique. As for the latter, that will be true, but I can't help noticing that all the people they regarded as friends and kept up with from school are basically, like them, white middle class etc
The hypocrite I suspect is coming in the next couple of years when Dh's sibling will almost certainly announce that their dc are too bright for a state school to cope with, and they'll all nod and say yes. She's been banging on about her being a genius since she was about 18 months... When she was doing totally age appropriate things.

Sorry, I meant to finish with pull her aside quietly (ie without your dm) and say that you're actually finding her comments about private school really irritating, and it's your choice, just as her choice is for days out/tutors/extra curricular stuff which you can't afford.

I wouldn't be trying to tactfully deal with anything, I would honestly tell her to fuck off and stop being so jealous.

Thanks for the responses, I appreciate a different perspective. Any idea how I can firmly but nicely tell her to but out?

I just don’t understand why she feels that she has any moral high ground when she pays for her DC’s education too.

The next time she comments id say something like, 'thats the second/third time you've mentioned his school like that, is something wrong?' She'll probably say nothings wrong, be a bit embarrassed and never mention it again, but you need to call her out on it.

Shes probably jealous of you.

She’s a dick. I don’t particularly like the idea of private schools but I think it’s up to each parent to make their own decisions. I have friends who privately educate their children and that’s absolutely fine. Different schools will work for different children anyway.

Next time she says something just day that’s the way we have chosen to educate our child as there is no good state school near us, just as you have chosen to leave you child in a good state school, but pay for education via all the extra curricular activities they do outside school

I understand what you mean... It's very easy to be anti private school when your state alternative is good or better. I have a lot of respect for my PILs... DH passed 11+ and ent to Grammar. BIL didn't. The comprehensive was not good- one of the worst in the country. FIL worked every bit of overtime, MIL did a job she hated, the grandmother contributed.. a lot of scrimping to afford the local private school.
I find the statement 'i send my kids to the excellent local state school' to be very hypocritical. It's paid for by the back door.