Find it unfair he gets to walk in and be the fun one!

[Readysetcake]

DH works away in the week as we moved and he wanted to keep his job as it pays well and he has good training opportunities. This obviously means me solo parenting 2 under 5 from mon-fri.

My eldest started school last week so this was my first full week of nursery run, school run and working and housework cooking etc and I’m exhausted. Single parents I hold my hands up to you and I’m in awe. It’s fucking hard alone and at least I do get a break.

Kids were awful all afternoon after school pick up. Fighting and screaming and generally being a nightmare. DH waltzes in at 4.30 just as I’ve calmed everyone down and kids are instantly all over him (as to be expected) and he is all fun daddy and bringing them chocolate bars. And daddy’s my hero and daddy is so fun.

Well sorry mummy isn’t fun, it’s hard to be fun when you’re constantly fire fighting, cooking, cleaning and working etc. Gone upstairs to get away now and honestly feel like sticking my finger up at the lots of them and driving off somewhere for the weekend. If it wasn’t stupid Covid times I think I would.

Anyone else’s DHs work away? Do you resent them a bit or am I being a irritable unreasonable bitch?

My dh doesn't but you are not unreasonable to feel like this. Children are hard work and it must be harder to be alone but to then have someone come in to steal all the glory and be the favourite must be really annoying.

At least you get your break now. Go get a glass of something and have a bath, lock yourself somewhere with a book or whatever you like. Daddy is now in charge!

Mine doesn't even work away and still gets this treatment 😂 he's definitely the fun one and my little girl infinitely prefers him. Kills a little bit of me each time 😱

Then hand everything over to him when he comes in including the cooking and cleaning up, putting the kids to bed etc. If you are working too he needs to step and do the chores at the weekend.

It’s definitely a bitter pill to swallow to know that you do all the hard work of keeping everything running and everyone alive and needs met only for all the fun times to go to someone else. I want to be fun and not have to constantly nag or tell them what to or be too busy keeping on top of everything. But if I did that we’d never get out the door and my house would be a tip.

He’s down there now having a disco with them. Lovely. If I do that with them in the week I then have to deal with tired tantrums and late nights alone and then still do all the cleaning, pack lunch, washing etc after putting them to bed. I feel like solo parenting is sucking all the joy out of me 😢

Well he is well and truly on his own tonight. I will not be lifting a finger no matter how loud the screaming gets.

Op hang up your hat for the whole weekend..every week end.
Even if you have to sit on your hands.

Do it. Leave him to deal with it. Like you do during the week.

It sounds bloody annoying. Could you get some help during the week? A local teen or someone doing child care at college to come around for a few hours twice a week would give you a break.

Looking back I feel a bit guilty over the huge fuss my brother and I would make of my dad coming home. It must have been shit for my mum having him treated like the returning hero when he came in about half an hour before our bedtime, when she'd spent all day doing everything for us. You are definitely not being unreasonable to leave him to it tonight!

Find things he can do on Sunday to make your week easier. Homework help for example and packaging lunches for Monday through to Wednesday, and prepping school uniform.

You need to leave him to it in the morning as well, if he's wound them up tonight.

You need a conversation about what he does at weekends to support you- that you all need family time- but not just fun stuff, and you need alone time so you can get your head back together.

Maybe he can do Friday evening and Saturday morning, then you share the rest of the weekend together.

Your D.C. are young, this goes on for a while. Get it right now.

Bear in mind, when mine was home he really got in the way. D.C. and I had routines, and he didn't follow them so we were all confused.

Mine reading the daily bedtime story turned him into pedestal material for my children tbh.

Until last year I was a sahm due additonal/childcare issues. They’re now all in school and I’ve moved on from a long stint of volunteering between school hours to getting a hens teeth job working between school hours...which funnily enough means I’m still able to do pick up/drop up!

DH on the other hand has been made redundant and is loving the freedom of an empty house(!) The children greet him with such joy upon their return home, which is truly lovely, but I’ve already had the tears and grumps getting them through the front door and feel a bit huffy about it. And I’ve never had a block of time where I have no commitments and an empty house to myself for 7 hours

@doctorboo

Why would you be doing the school run if your DH is at home unemployed ?

Perhaps you need to be clear that is can't continue and look at other options.

How far away is his commute?

Can you move back?

You have paid help - au pair to help out with nursery/school run, cleaner etc?

Can he do a compressed 4 day week and come home midweek? Even a 9 day fortnight. So he does all the school runs, batch cooks, cleans to contribute to helping you out whilst he's away?

He is choosing to put what he wants masquerading it as "in the family's interests" but if you are this unhappy then he has to recognise that long term it doesn't work.

My XH used to work away - 12 days away and then back for one weekend, when he'd dump his dirty washing and play with the kids, watch TV with the volume turned up over the sound of the fighting and screaming and expect me to be all fun and wanting to do 'family days out'. I was bloody SICK of family days out, I'd done practically nothing but, trying to keep five kids under eight from killing each other.

I divorced him. I could manage perfectly well without him, he didn't add anything to my life. So I'd say never mind the children, how does he treat YOU when he's home? Because it's very very easy to start feeling resentful and miserable, and then they resent YOU because you aren't fun wife when they deign to come home...

and the whole thing spirals down from there.

Are you having a break alone this weekend, op?

@Divebar I work in their school, otherwise I’d be passing the school run over to DH.
We’re working on the washing machine and dinner at the moment, he’s not been around to do it so now’s the time to get stuck in.

He k owns it can’t be long term but he claims he’s not ina position to look for another job as he hasn’t got the skills he needs yet (he changes direction 5 years ago and still doesn’t have the right skills apparently. I think it’s a lack of confidence thing and it’s easy for him. Yes he has to drive and stay in a rented room but he gets peaceful uninterrupted nights and the odd trip to the pub with colleagues.

To be fair to him he is very good when he’s back. He puts washing on, cooks, takes the kids out etc so I do get a break. I do understand how lucky I am to have someone like that. I think the tiring week and kids being particular shits today got to me.

I think a previous suggestion to get him busy on Sunday sorting things to help in the week is a great idea. Cant afford a nanny or anything g but might look into getting a cleaner. Even if the only do some deep clean stuff so I have one less thing to worry about!

@doctorboo while I get that you work at the school If he is doing deck all at home why doesn’t he come and meet you to share the load of getting them home and through the door? I’m sure they’d love both of you there at the end of the day.

@Zaphodsotherhead that sounds shit and like you’re much better off without him. Like I said at least he is helpful and let’s me have time to myself without complaint. I can’t even imagine 5 kids. I’d be in my knees. What a hero you are!

How long is his journey?

You need to put a time limit on it, where is his incentive to apply for jobs?

Has he enquired about doing compressed hours?

I absolutely know what you mean OP. My husband travelled regularly before Covid, and would often get back on Friday evening. One time he came home, had a drink, ate dinner and didn't do the washing up afterwards, and I cried for hours, and he just couldn't understand why I was being such a cow. I was so exhausted and resentful, and he was living life like he was permanently in a hotel.

Someone above suggested getting some help during the week. I really wish I'd done that - it can make all the difference.

I also started offloading the mental load onto DH. Sure he was travelling, but he still had a phone, and email, and the internet, and he could do things like research summer camps and book dentist appointments and read all the school emails and update the family calendar and research holidays and order things online.

I'd also put the children on the phone to him sometimes if they came home sad, or with a problem, and have him work it through with them - it really helped their relationship, and helped him appreciate what I did the rest of the time.

The big thing was that he did (eventually) realise how much of the load I was carrying, and he made a real conscious effort to step in to give me a rest, and he let the children know that he valued me and that they should too, and he took on board some of the tough bits of parenting.

My lot are all now 15+ and it's all so much easier. But having DH home since Covid has also really lifted the load for me. I know eventually he'll start travelling again, and we'll all miss him.

"I understand how lucky I am to have someone like that".**

It isn't lucky to have someone take responsibility for their own children, it's a minimum requirement.

My Ex used to work away during the week when we had 2 under 3. It was such a slog and he was always super dad when he got home.

In some ways, it's just a product of your arrangement. They've not seen him all week so are excited, he's far more rested and has missed them so has the patience to be fun.

I get the resentment though and my ex was fab around the house and with the kids when he was home. The only way it changed and it moved to feeling more 'fair' was when he stopped being away in the week.

To survive, sometimes he walked through the door on Friday at 4.30, id get in my car and drive an hour to my friends where I would stay until Sunday morning. It meant I got a proper rest, he got to properly parent and everyone was happier. Yes, I didn't see him much but it was a con I was willing to take for a break!!

Now we're split, (3years on and nothing to do with working away) he sees the kids 2 nights a week and a few after schools. Again, this means he has them far less than me so he can be fun dad and do housework when they come home to me. I have to do housework/homework/uniforms/clubs/play dates/plan trips etc with them so can't always be fun mum. BUT I get 2 nights 'off' a week to counteract the resentment of it all and rest.

@Readysetcake

I was not a hero. It was hard, I shouted a LOT, the house was a mess and I cried a very great deal. But the kids are all adults now and living happy, successful lives with good jobs.

But, that said, raising them alone was better than being treated as the nanny/live in maid who was expected to be up for sex and fun when he came back, despite the fact I was on my knees with exhaustion. At least, on my own, I didn't have to have sex or do his washing!

The positive of this is that he will then have to play with him whilst you relax, as he's such good fun.

You need to lower your standards a bit during the week OP. Spend some time with the dc to give them attention. Also prep dinners with dh over the weekend and put them in the freezer for during the week to make things easier. I did both of these and it made my life soooo much easier just by letting go and knowing dinner was made! Also I prep EVERYTHING for the next day the night before so there's no rushing in the morning. My dh is gone for weeks at a time so I understand completely.

Can you start a special fun Thursday mum night. Get a special dinner watch a movie with the kids and just relax? I got sick of always being 'mum' and feeling resentful of dad being the fun parent. So I occasionally do something different and let the routine go.