I seem to feel like this in cycles and really want to find a way out of it.
For background, i'm in a senior role in a creative industry. I'm well regarded and know i am/can be good at my job - and go through periods of being really confident and enjoying what i do.
But it feels like i circle back to this place quite regularly where i lose my confidence and feel just generally useless. i also start to obsess over things like what does this person think of me / that person thinks i'm rubbish. If i don't immediately connect with someone, i seem to get quite paranoid - and it's really draining.
i also wonder that i lack gravitas in situations where it's needed; i'm not sure how much people pick up on it, but in my head it's a massive issue.
The last few weeks i've been feeling a bit lost and have noticed how i've hopped from one obsession to the next, e.g.
- Preparing for a big pitch that i've been leading. For a while it seemed like we weren't making good progress and i got really worried / upset about it, and catastrophising thinking I just can't do my job etc... but actually the submission ended up great and i got a lot of praise for it (which felt extremely strange given where my head had been at the entire time)
- there's a new member of our team that is quite up and down and difficult to read. for a week i lost a lot of sleep wondering why she doesn't like me / imagining her bitching about me to everyone - but actually it's transpired she's the same with everyone
- similar to above, another junior team member seems to regard everything i say with suspicion - again, this is kind of her persona, but i've now got a bee in my bonnet about it
Now this morning, we delivered the big pitch via zoom - it went well, but i didn't do a particuarly good job. i fluffed my lines a bit and again the gravitas thing plays on my mind. there are a couple of more senior people in the team that this comes so naturally to, and they come across so well, that it makes me doubt myself even more.
my boss has sent me a message saying i did a great job, but honestly i can't even bear to reply because i know i didn't.
Ugh. i don't even know what i'm asking for with this post really - it just feels better to write it all down. does anyone else feel like this periodically? any tips for coping / avoiding getting into this negative headspace?