How do I stop thinking that having a well paid job is what matters?

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I had parents who drilled it into me that having a good job was what matters. A good job means a well paid job. That's what they wanted for me. Under pressure I did a degree which would have got me qualified as a healthcare professional but I quit right at the end. My parents practically disowned me. My siblings weren't really supportive either. It was as though I had committed a crime. I felt utterly ashamed. It was awful.

Since then I've always done low paid admin jobs. Never really got anything above basic wage. No focus in my career. Just drifted from one low paid to another.

I'm really quiet and have very low self confidence and I guess that has held me back in going up the career ladder even though I'm capable of alot more.

Anyway, i have a new job. I should be happy but my head is focussing on the fact that I'm on the lowest grade. Ill be at work and feel like I'm at the bottom. I hate being like this. I wish I could value myself even if I am on the lowest grade. I honestly don't look down on others If they were on low pay. It doesn't even occur to me but for myself I am relentless and I can't seem to shake off placing my value in the level of work I do. I just feel crap about myself because I don't have a good job.

Does that ramble make any sense at all?!

Having a range of things is what matters - and those things being based on your own values - so for one person it might be an interesting job, getting better at tennis, having close friendships and being a carer for their parents, for another it might be achieving a PhD, a happy marriage and travelling to interesting places, for another it might be crafting, a choir, cycling and volunteering. Of course usually one or two of those things at any one time will be going badly!, but as long as you have a range, you can still feel happy, grounded and ok. Build the life that suits you. Sadly your parents wish to motivate backfired because their mantra did not motivate you, it intimidated you. It's ok to be you. No one is really 'successful' they're all just living fairly hard lives and trying to eke out some happiness.

Why dont you place your value in the time you have for your family, friends, having a clean house, hobbies? These things are really important in life aswell.
I have the career side of things but am failing in the rest because of how hectic work is. I dont have enough time for my kids, have few friends, have had to hire a cleaner as I cant keep on top of the housework. Have a good job and money doesnt make your life perfect. I'm sorry your parents made you feel this way.

i feel like i could have written this post, have exactly the same feelings about value and salary. only difference is that even though i finished my degree and did well, i feel deeply unsatisfied with my career to date. do you think the focus is actually about getting a 'well paid' paid, or more to do with actually doing a job that reflects your skills/capabilties, hence why being in low-paid/adminy jobs are not that satisfying? i'm currently between jobs and i know i hated the industry i was in before because i knew i could actually do more than what the job had allowed

Their standards haven't made them nice people though have they? I'd look around for different role models - whose lives do you admire and what do they value? Resilience? Kindness? Adaptability? The richest people I know (in terms of salary) definitely are not the ones I'd most like to resemble. By the way congratulations on your new job - enjoy it!

Ok, the past is done (I grew up in care so I know whereof I speak).
You are where you are now.
And you need to focus on what you want.

Small steps. It's not too late to make changes for what you want.
It doesn't have to be a high paying job but think of what would make your life happier
What could you do to make your future brighter.
If you start slow, and do small changes, it will happen.

Hello
I was like you. A masters, A Post Grad, A degree. Still unhappy.

Read this:www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/4562490-managing-the-new-careerists
This:www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/Working-Identity-Unconventional-Strategies-Reinventing/dp/1591394139?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum--chat-4019125-How-do-I-stop-thinking-that-having-a-well-paid-job-is-what-matters" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Working-Identity-Unconventional-Strategies-Reinventing/dp/1591394139
and
This:www.businessballs.com/self-management/career-anchors-edgar-schein/

These were all really illuminating in helping me find what was motivating me and what was not. Now I've left my job, changed career and make 50% less but I am free and relatively happy.

Have you read “Quiet” by Susan Cain? That might help you “own” your quietness and make it work for you?

What do you want to do with your life? If healthcare isn’t for you, what is? You are capable of so much more, you have to be brave and pursue it.

Aside from work, are you happy with your life? Or is your low self esteem holding you back in other areas of your life too?

I think counselling would help you. Your parents (and the society we live in) have taught you that your value as a person is tied to how much you earn, and it's very difficult to un-learn those beliefs.

Also i would really recommend this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Happiness-Trap-Based-revolutionary-mindfulness-based/dp/184529825X?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

OP, I understand what you're saying very well!! I had serious setbacks during my PhD and things got really dark...... it felt like I was only worthy as a PhD student and failing that was failing at life. Now I'm a SAHM with 2 (almost 3!!) lovely daughters. My mom still annoys me that I don't have a job but I don't care about her rantings anymore. I've been close to the abyss and came back!

Tbh religion really helped!

Also went to some classes and they did this exercise where you sort the things in your life by importance (work, family, friends, hobbies, religion) and then you sort them again by the amount of time/head space you dedicate to each. Are you neglecting your family/friends by thinking too much about your job?

My friend is in a very well paid job. Mortgage is paid off and savings pot is in tens of thousands. She always seems miserable, stressed and angry.

I'm a stay at home mum with a husband who works in a factory. We don't receive any benefits but we're certainly not flush, living in our rented flat living month to month. But we are happy. Oh wow are we happy! What a life we have. We have everything we need but not much of what we want and although I dream of a lottery win, I love our lives. Our kids are happy (and even a bit spoiled if you ask them) but not one single part of me would trade my life for my friends high stress career and no time to enjoy life.

Thank you. ScrapThatThen that makes so much sense. I don't know what I value tbh but I'm going to explore this more further.

crambosk yee info think doing a job which I really enjoy and am passionate about would help me.

Jakey056 thanks I will check out those books.

hauntedtree I think I so need some therapy. There's lots of negative / unhelpful core beliefs I have about myself which have been really damaging throughout my life.

grey12 I like the sound of that exercise! Im going to give that a go too. I definitely am neglecting my family / kids and myself too.

OP just chipping in to say I know lots of medical professionals who hate their jobs - stressed, tired, and want to do something else (this includes the very high paid ones). That qualification might've been your parents' dream, but absolutely no guarantee it would've made you happy (just as high a chance it would've done the exact opposite, based on the folk I know!). I hope that makes you feel a bit better, I really do.

TinyGarden it's funny you should say that. if ever I mention I can't afford X, y, z around the house, something for the kids, a better car when mine is falling to pieces I get a "well, you would have been able to afford it, if you hadn't quit". It does make me feel a pang of guilt when I can't afford to take my kids on holiday when their friends go abroad every year and I can't even manage a break in the UK.

I understand you. I had a very linear brilliant CV and was on six figures in my mid/late 20s - city law. Parents very proud etc. I was also on anti depressants, working crazy hours, my periods stopped if it was a particularly stressful deal etc, I was relentlessly unhappy. Now early thirties and on less than a third of the money, 9-5 job, no stress, time to focus on family. So much happier. Took my parents a while to
come round, but they did. And now I have time and energy to focus on a family which is all I really wanted in the first place anyway. The big job makes some people happy. Not everyone. Not me and maybe not you either. You should do what makes you happy - it's your life.

Part of it is unravelling your self worth from imbued family/societal values that prizes money and equates it to being worthy and lovable. If everyone were a surgeon or law partner, how would our society function?

The other part is then finding something that utilises your skills and engages your interest, easier said than done. So many struggle with their career paths or put up with a more mundane job to juggle family life. A lot of work is mundane. I often see very qualified grads come in, thinking they'd change the world but no, they start as data monkeys. The ones that do well have a good work ethic, constructive behaviours and good dose of luck.

You are not just your job... you can focus on family, friends, hobbies... It sounds trite but be kind to yourself, help or make someone around you smile. Honestly, everyone is muddling and struggling through life. Congrats on your new job and I hope you find some peace.

Have you tried camping? The beach - UK is an island?
Lake district?

I get the sort of family you are surrounded by because I'm the same... even friends.. but I dont give a shit. I say I cant afford X and Y all the time as a neutral statement of fact but I dont dwell or moan about it. You do what makes you happy.

There's so much wisdom on this thread. Mumsnetters never cease to amaze me; the best therapists and free of charge.

@Crashburger

Have you tried camping? The beach - UK is an island? Lake district?

I get the sort of family you are surrounded by because I'm the same... even friends.. but I dont give a shit. I say I cant afford X and Y all the time as a neutral statement of fact but I dont dwell or moan about it. You do what makes you happy.

Amen