Friends with vastly different incomes

[coffeeandjuice]

Wondered what people's thoughts were on whether it is possible to maintain friendships with people when the income gap is massive?

I.e £200,000 v £40,000
Or £80,000 v £20,000

For example, how do you keep up with 'The Jones' if you're on the lower end of the scale?
Or if you're on the higher, do you feel like you're constantly limiting what you do? Does it work long term?

You don't keep up. Friendships can be made/maintained without money being at the core of your conversations.

I honestly dont find it that hard. I dont think it really matters all that much. I earn a lot more than my friends but I was skint for a looong time which I can still remember. I do really try to be sensitive and suggest activities that are cheap/free. I would be mortified if i'd embarassed anyone or suggested something too expensive. you dont need to spend any money to enjoy someone else company.

I have friends that earn a quarter of what we do, and a friend who is a billionaire. Mostly it doesn't make any difference because either way we would just be (in normal times) hanging out over a cup of tea or a take-away. However, once when we were going through a very difficult time financially I found that I stayed away from my super wealthy friend because I felt I wouldn't be able to make small-talk about my day to day situation because it would bring up money (literally couldn't afford to put food on the table, so wouldn't have been able to e.g. bring a bottle of wine for with dinner). I didn't want it to be seen that I was hinting at wanting money, so stayed away, and in retrospect I wish I hadn't because she of course wondered why I was avoiding her.

I earn a lot more than most of my friends. It hasn't affected friendships at all (am now mid 30s), though I am careful not to talk about purchases which might seem extravagant, or how much a place I am looking to buy might cost. I also ensure I don't suggest restaurants or hotels (pre Covid) which might be out of budget. I think my friends get that I earn much more than them (is obvious from my industry, seniority/profile and I do like beautiful clothes).

But I think we all make an effort to be tactful about things we know might be a sensitive issue with the people we care about. Eg my friend doesn't talk about her baby obsessively with friends who are TTC and finding it challenging.

Why would this even be an issue?

Why wouldn't you invite a friend over for dinner just because they earn half of what you do? It would be ridiculous if they declined and told you it was because they only earn £45k but you are on £90k!

Would you decline going for a drink with a friend because you earn £90k and they are on £190k?

What if your friend earns the same as you but their partner is on double that salary?

We find things to do which cost nothing - go for a walk with soup in a flask, meet at each other’s houses (and so what if one is a massive 6 bed detached and another a council flat? They’ve both got chairs to sit on and a kettle).

Going to a Christmas craft fair type thing we went on the day with free entry. One friend just browsed and gathered ideas to make at home, one bought a few presents and one spent a few hundreds including an £800 pen for her husband.

It’s not about keeping up with the Joneses or about squashing the Smiths down into their place. It’s about friendship!

Helps that the most significantly wealthy now has known incredibly precarious times in the past and doesn’t forget.

We all bring stuff for a picnic; one of us will bring a baguette and another will bring a bucket of seafood and another will make a cake. We just come together because we’ve been friends a very long time, and the things we share are more important than the things we don’t.

I have this situation with my sibling. They earn a huge amount more than us and it causes issues when days out are arranged and there are elements that our DC have to miss out on while their cousins get to take part, because we can't afford to join in. My sibling's family also have a lot of holidays, while my DC have never been on one. It's difficult because they watch their cousins getting bigger and better presents at Christmas and birthdays, holidays, days out, bigger bedrooms, a huge garden with custom play areas etc. It wouldn't be so bad if they had other cousins, but my siblings children are the only others in the whole family. They always come away feeling inferior. It has created a divide because it's hard to watch my children having it shoved in their faces, they're only young. They understand why, but it's a hard pill to swallow sometimes. I'm just very hot on making them feel loved at instilling that material goods don't make you a better person.

My friendships were established and are maintained without salary being an issue, in the same way that friendships I made at school were about the people not their grades.

We meet up and do things that suit us all.

I earn quite a bit more than my sisters and always treat them when I can, if it's theme park tickets for the kids, holidays etc. The way I look at it I'd rather have them with me than doing things alone.

My best friend and I have very different incomes Ismaili to 20vs40k; me higher than her. At the time we first became friends we had a similar income and we do the same things as we used to do back then ie. go to each other’s houses, go to the pub, go to places like pizza express. In all honesty although I’ve got a higher income I still don’t have that much available cash due to childcare, high mortgage etc. The main difference between us is our houses and I guess we’ve never really talked about it as my wages went up gradually.

One of my friends has a much higher income. Every now and then she'll suggest something that I'd love to do but isn't feasible. Book kids into extra day at nursery and go hiking. Can't afford extra fees. Visit zoos which I love doing but it's more a once in a while treat I budget for. However we're still great mates I usually suggest an alternative. Kids get along great we have a lot in common. If you like each other you make an effort to make it work.

I have a few friends who have way more financially than me, nice cars, holidays, lifestyles etc.. they have great jobs and worked hard to be where they are.
I don't in any way feel less than them and they don't feel above me, we never speak about our incomes and when we go out it is always somewhere we all want to go.

I have a friend who is worth millions, and she's never made me feel less of a person because of it.

I don't see why it's an issue.
We grew up with another family who the dad ended up head of a company I can guarantee you would have heard of.

I remember them moving to a lovely big house where there was lots of space and them giving very generous presents. Only time I can remember any obvious difference was when they started riding lessons and dsis wanted to join them, and dm said it was too expensive. But there were other times we did things they weren't allowed to.
But he was still our Uncle D who made us laugh, sang silly songs and made us feel welcome.

Money isn't everything and those with the smaller salary are most likely richer in so many other ways

I was thinking this today as I met my friend's new nanny! I know if I had done the same as her - focussed on my career I would be earning her £200k vs my £45k but we still manage to do a lot of the same things except we don't ski and she does.

She has a huge house and does talk about it and it's value but I think it's because she's come from humble beginnings and genuinely worked very hard!!

I know she has investments and is fairly frugal at times

The gap between my group is massive one couple are on minimum wage actually one half of that couple is in less as she is self employed and not working at mo. Then there are plenty within 20k of 100k and then a few megas with one couple over 1.5mil a year. No problems - different houses, lives but all good people who are confident in themselves and who bond over the real stuff like kids, ill parents, activities etc

How does anyone actually know what others earn or have in equity etc. Cars can be leased as can houses, designer items can be second hand or passed on. You might guess or assume, but you might be totally wrong.

I am in a friendship group of 5. Three of which were much richer than me eg one of them just bought a 5k wedding dress. We've been best friends for 5 years now. I'm not going to lie, there were times at the beginning where I did try to keep in some ways and over compensated when it came to spending for birthday presents. But as I've grow up it's become less of an issue- if we did travel just the two of us to stay at a fancy hotel she paid for the rooms, but I offered to pay for dinner etc.

@lookatmememe

How does anyone actually know what others earn or have in equity etc. Cars can be leased as can houses, designer items can be second hand or passed on. You might guess or assume, but you might be totally wrong.

Good point about equity. You don’t know the size of people’s mortgages.

Salaries can be fairly easily guessable though, depending on where someone works.

Lots of our friends earn less than us. All our socialising is done at home, though, so it makes little difference. Lasagne, garlic bread and wine tastes pretty much the same in all of our houses. None of us does designer stuff. The important thing is that each of us brings things to our friendship that are far more important than money.