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Original poster

Boarding school, divorce, & empty nest

24 replies

BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 08:30

I’ve already posted on the boarding school thread but I thought I’d start another one for us having an empty nest this year.

I wasn’t expecting it to hit me this hard! DS13 going away leaving DD at a day school, but she stays with my ex during term time, so I will be in an empty house. Shock

Our boarding school decision is the right one and we have a confident boarder boy, we live the school, etc. but his dad and I are divorced and it rakes up other feelings. This is not where I should have been in my (non) marriage, or in my job.

Can anyone share some tips for coping? Please don’t turn this into a boarding bashing thread. If you don’t like the idea of boarding school, please don’t reply. I am asking for tips on coping with divorce and empty nest.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 08/09/2020 08:55

A puppy? 😬

Its a bit flippant, but I think the ideal solution is to get busy with things that are meaningful to you. Just being busy itself probably isnt enough, is there anything you enjoy that makes your feel useful and fulfilled?

Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 08:58

Yes you’re right about keeping busy! Covid doesn’t help. I was meant to be travelling for work. Might try stepping up social life, maybe some volunteering.

I keep going off for secret crying. Doesn’t help that ex is being difficult. I’m so sad.

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CommunistLegoBloc · 08/09/2020 09:03

I would honestly get a pet. If that's not your thing then I'd look into activities that you'll find satisfying and rewarding. Volunteering, a new hobby, redecorating, whatever floats your boat. But pet would be my top suggestion - they need to be cared for, they're company, they're a way to socialise if you get a dog?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds General education Relationship problems
Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 09:04

I can’t get a pet, as I usually go out to work. I’m not at the moment, because of Covid. Think I need a project.

OP posts:
LesLavandes · 08/09/2020 09:04

The same thing happened to me.

I became a wreck and made myself ill initially when my son went off to school. I was also in the middle of my very acrimonious divorce at the time.

You will start to feel better in time. Just go with the flow for first few weeks.

My son is today entering his final year and it has all been a wonderful experience for him.

Alexandernevermind · 08/09/2020 09:05

Could this be a good opportunity for you to retrain or study for a new qualification?

Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 09:14

Thank you LesLavandes, good to hear from someone who’s done this already.

Poor you, it must have been so tough going through an acrimonious divorce at the same time. Even having done it, it feels so painful. We were supposed to be waving him off together & going back to our lovely lifestyle together. Instead I can’t bear my ex and am dreading being with him at the school. So many confusing emotions.

Thank you for wisdom, I hope it feels better in time. Good luck to your son, so nice to hear he’s had a good experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 09:15

@Alexandernevermind

Could this be a good opportunity for you to retrain or study for a new qualification?
This is a great idea. I have been toying with it for some time. Maybe time to launch into it properly.
OP posts:
Horsemad · 08/09/2020 09:16

Cat? Slightly more independent than a dog, doesn't need the walks! 🙂

Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 09:26

I’m sometimes away for weeks at a time - cat no good!

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Illdealwithitinaminute · 08/09/2020 09:33

I don't know if you need to do anything differently, perhaps just accepting that this is a life stage and it's really upsetting! Your child isn't with you daily and it's ok to be upset and miss them, even though you know they are well-cared for. A few good cries may be just what you need.

I think socializing is a good idea, but it's quite hard to find people to socialize with I've found, lots of people are still staying in a lot/not wanting to go out constantly- I've seen all my friends locally once or twice but it's not a constant social whirl at the moment, a lot of people are quite preoccupied and tired I think.

Keratinsmooth · 08/09/2020 09:34

Is your daughter is with your ex in term time because your job takes you away? Do you live nearby? If so ask for more access?

Keratinsmooth · 08/09/2020 09:35

As the PP suggested can you retrain? Maybe a job that doesn’t take you away all the time?

movingonup20 · 08/09/2020 09:39

Volunteer with the cinnamon trust walking dogs for those too frail, ill or vulnerable? Get involved with helping young parents struggling without family support? Just two programmes I've been involved in.

I do know what you mean about empty nest, I'm fortunate to have a new (ish) dp and took the plunge in March to move in. Boarding school does mean they move away young , 16 for me

Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 09:59

Keratinsmooth DD is with ex as he lives closer to her school & she was boarding when with me. Made more sense for her to be with her father then. She’s as busy as anything, although we could go on more runs together.

Yes, I’m considering retraining. I think I’ve been afraid of change.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 08/09/2020 10:00

Yes you definitely need a project. Could try work projects to give your career a kick - work-related networking? I find pinging someone on LinkedIn a note and then trying to arrange a zoom coffee for 30 mins quite productive in terms of contact. Attend online conference? Revamp LinkedIn profile? Get extra qualification?

Or non-work related projects - get into a new kind of exercise? I've started swimming a tonne, also barre videos on YouTube. Declutter/renovate house, do a KonMari of your wardrobe. Revamp garden. Plan epic trip with your offspring for the next hols. Learn to sail/row/tennis/squash and join in with social scene (all very sociable). Volunteer doing something you fancy - we have a mother's help society in our local area where you pop round to a family with twins or is struggling for some reason for an hour and hold the babies while the mum takes a shower or has a nap.

crimsonlake · 08/09/2020 10:00

I am assuming you will be sharing your ds over the holidays?
Your saving grace is that your work appears to keep you quite busy if I am correct?
I think volunteering is probably off the agenda with covid restrictions. I know I usually busy myself with diy and decorating, it certainly passes the time. Also gardening, but we are heading in to the wrong time of the year as well.
See how the first few weeks go as you are bound to feel a bit wobbly at first but you may surprise yourself by it becoming the new normal quite quickly.
Divorce and empty nest is hard, I know I have been there. Look after yourself.

Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 10:02

Great ideas movingonup20 I particularly like the sound of the charity helping young parents struggling without family support.

I have a new DP, too, but he works away, too. We have said we will step up on how often we see each other, so that’s another thought.

Yes, they do move away young! I hadn’t considered this so much with DD as was busy with the divorce and with different work back then.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 13:07

@Illdealwithitinaminute

I don't know if you need to do anything differently, perhaps just accepting that this is a life stage and it's really upsetting! Your child isn't with you daily and it's ok to be upset and miss them, even though you know they are well-cared for. A few good cries may be just what you need.

I think socializing is a good idea, but it's quite hard to find people to socialize with I've found, lots of people are still staying in a lot/not wanting to go out constantly- I've seen all my friends locally once or twice but it's not a constant social whirl at the moment, a lot of people are quite preoccupied and tired I think.

That helps me, Illdealwithit... maybe I don't need to do anything differently. On a practical level, I guess I was here before, when both DCs were boarding before. Maybe nothing much will change, realistically. I suppose I will have more time as he used to come home every weekend, and won't do that now.

Yes, maybe constant socializing is not such a wonderful idea, and not very realistic right now.

Gosh, I'm tired. Not sure what to do with myself today.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 13:10

@Xiaoxiong

Yes you definitely need a project. Could try work projects to give your career a kick - work-related networking? I find pinging someone on LinkedIn a note and then trying to arrange a zoom coffee for 30 mins quite productive in terms of contact. Attend online conference? Revamp LinkedIn profile? Get extra qualification?

Or non-work related projects - get into a new kind of exercise? I've started swimming a tonne, also barre videos on YouTube. Declutter/renovate house, do a KonMari of your wardrobe. Revamp garden. Plan epic trip with your offspring for the next hols. Learn to sail/row/tennis/squash and join in with social scene (all very sociable). Volunteer doing something you fancy - we have a mother's help society in our local area where you pop round to a family with twins or is struggling for some reason for an hour and hold the babies while the mum takes a shower or has a nap.

Thank you, XIaoxiong When I read your message earlier, I felt SO charged and ready to set up a new project. It's gone a bit flat as today has gone by...

BRILLIANT idea about work-related networking. I've not done this before, but I need to do all those things you have said. Great ideas!

I might do a bit more running with DD. We did this quite a lot before lockdown and both enjoyed it. Those other suggestions, I was doing during lockdown. We have exhausted them now! That's part of the problem, I think, but I do like the idea of volunteering.

I keep having little bursts of crying. DS hasn't seen me, though. Dreading taking him in!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 13:12

@crimsonlake

I am assuming you will be sharing your ds over the holidays? Your saving grace is that your work appears to keep you quite busy if I am correct? I think volunteering is probably off the agenda with covid restrictions. I know I usually busy myself with diy and decorating, it certainly passes the time. Also gardening, but we are heading in to the wrong time of the year as well. See how the first few weeks go as you are bound to feel a bit wobbly at first but you may surprise yourself by it becoming the new normal quite quickly. Divorce and empty nest is hard, I know I have been there. Look after yourself.
Thanks, Crimson, yes, we will still share the DCs over the holidays. My worry is more whilst he is away, and DD is away, how empty my life will be. My work was reduced because of covid but I can go back to some projects now. Maybe I will try to do this.

Yes, I will see how the first few weeks go. I feel so sad. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Ex and I should have been together and waving him off together, going back to our family home and feeling that cosy satisfaction of DS's ambition coming true. Instead, it feels like it will be awkward and I will come back to an empty and lonely house Sad ready for more loneliness and emptiness Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 08/09/2020 16:23

Is anyone else suffering today?

OP posts:
Lotsalotsagiggles · 08/09/2020 23:53

Can you see your day board DD every weekend?

Volunteering will help lord and keep you busy sharing your skills

Original poster
BeenAndCameBack · 09/09/2020 04:08

DD no longer boards, but yes, will try to see her at the weekends.

Will think about volunteering...

The house is set to be emptied! Feels sad already.

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