When a friend starts phasing you out, is there anything you can do to stop it?

[Hugged]

Up until a few years ago, maybe even six months ago, I would've said this friend was my best friend. We've known each other since we were in our early teens and although we've had periods where we haven't lived in the same country (like right now), we've always been really good at keeping in touch. We would text every single day and often talk on the phone every other day too. But over the past few months especially, I've had the feeling that I'm being phased out. It was nothing dramatic, but just every time I'd message I'd get a reply a little bit later. Now it's reached a point where my messages will go days without being answered. We're on other chat groups together and she's messaging on those groups still, but just not to me. As far as I know she's perfectly happy - in fact, she's recently married to a guy I set her up with

I really don't know why I'm being phased out. I've always had a sense that she's more important to me than I am to her, but this feels almost like a deliberate attempt to put distance between the friendship. I can't think of anything I've said or done to upset her, and if I ask I'm afraid it'll seem needy or clingy. Is it best to just let things drift off because it seems like that's what she wants, or do I keep trying?

I’d probably just accept it and let communication settle at a new frequency, things might improve in time

You could ask her outright but that could be quite awkward for both of you.

It could be awkward, and might make things worse rather than better. Obviously all long-term friendships go through ebbs and flows, and I'm hoping this is just a bit of an ebb. But it does feel a bit more intentional on her part, so I'm worried this could be more permanent and I'm watching it all unfold with no power to change it.

You can't make someone be your friend

Has she done this to others before?

If the friendship is already dwindling, what do you have to lose by asking her for the truth? Life is too short! Yes it may be awkward but if the friendship is ultimately coming to an end anyway, does it matter?

@BigFatLiar I know, and that's what makes it hard, because to me she was more like a sister than a friend

@Hollowtalk it's hard for me to say because we've not lived in the same country for a couple of years. As far as I can tell she's still very close to the other friends we have there, it's just me she seems to be distancing herself from.

@Lsquiggles I did think about asking her directly why she's spacing out contact so much when previously she'd message me every day with chitchat. But I thought that'd sound needy and I'm not sure she'd be honest anyway, she'd probably just say something like she's been busy.

I don't think it's necessarily deliberate. She's recently married and will now have a wider social circle with her dh's friends. She keeps in touch with her old friends in the same country, because they socialise together. She probably has been busy.

You've not lived In the same country for a couple of years. When did you last see her? Have you met her dh? Did you go to her wedding? Could you invite her to visit you? Daily texting is probably the wrong method of communication now. Less frequent long emails might be a better way of keeping in touch.

It sounds as if her life has changed and yours has stayed the same so of course you miss her. I don't think she's distancing herself, just that the physical distance between you now has more of an effect than before.

I actually introduced her to her DH as a blind date - he was a friend of my DP's. So to be excluded from a newly married circle of friends would be particularly sad given that she wouldn't have actually met him if not for me! I couldn't go to the wedding due to Covid19, she only got married earlier in the year and had a handful of family members there.

She's not one much for emails so I doubt that would work unfortunately. We've been messaging and calling each other for years so I really don't know what's changed. She definitely still sees a lot of our other friends and talks to them because they mention it. I just feel really sad because we've been through so much together and now it feels like I'm just forgotten.

Do you not think though that this year has been a really weird one, like no other? Life is all a bit up in the air and maybe her life has just changed. Hopefully it's not intentional and she's just 'out of sink' so to speak. I know that I'm shocking when replying to texts etc and now my daily routine is different than it was last year I'm worse than ever at replying. I would have got in contact on my commute home etc. I hope it all works out

not much you can do, maybe step back a bit yourself and see if she becomes more interested.

It could just be that the events of this year are making you both act a little differently/out of character. If you both want this friendship to survive the 2020 shitstorm it will.

You live in different countries, and she has a close circle of friends in the country you both used to live in, but you were still calling each other on a second daily basis? I sort of understand why she might be pulling back a bit - that level of contact with someone you can't see physically can be difficult to maintain. You can still remain close without such regular contact. I'd give her space and time.