I can’t see a future and it’s breaking me

[Pilsy]

In the last year I’ve lost my fiancé, miscarried (during which my fiancé ended our relationship), lost my job and almost lost my home. It was my birthday on Saturday, I was 36.

I feel like life doesn’t have a future anymore. I have a decent job back and lucky to be full time and no upcoming risk of redundancy (famous last words!) but aside from that I feel absolutely broken by life. I’ve had masses of therapy and still do. I am ok just very very exhausted with life and feel I’ve missed out on so much.

All I’ve wanter was my own family. Going it alone wouldn’t be something I’d like to do. But here I am. In a house I hate now (awful memories), in a location I don’t need to be (my new job is 80% work from home, unrelated to covid). I have no partner, no kids, nothing. I’m 36, can’t even begin to think how I’d meet someone now.

I badly want to move to a country cottage nearer my family (we are not close but it’s a homely place for me and I like the area). But even that feels horribly sad, moving alone at this age. And being somewhere I would prefer as a location but basically being alone.

I’m so fed up of life. I don’t know what I’m posting for really, just feel whatever I do it’s always going to be ‘36 and alone’ from now on.i barely even have patience to date, if someone says the slightest off comment I just delete them. I can’t see a future other than the same old, all by myself always.

You sound (understandably) in a really low place. Moving for a fresh start to a nicer area sounds like a good plan. You definitely aren’t too late to meet someone, and once people reach their 30s they tend to move quickly on marriage and kids.

I am really sorry to hear about your difficult year. It's OK to feel defeated when it feels like one thing after another. Don't feel bad about feeling bad.

A positive I took from what you put, was about a small country cottage. It's not sad to want that. Maybe it can be your glimmer of hope. I hope that you can work towards it.

Incidentally, my sister in law met her husband at 38 and is now married with 2 kids. Not everything is unfeasible, but in a way that doesn't matter. Just focus in getting through the pain and being kind to yourself for now.

I’m not who I used to be though. I’m older, more tired of the dating scene, less patience. I feel like time is running out. I just feel so alone. I can’t remember the last day I felt happy about the future.

Thanks for your kind words. I just feel so heavy, I have put my all into things and they just haven’t worked out. I’ve given up

Things haven't worked out for now.

It's not all permanent. It feels heavy and exhausting and dispiriting now, but that won't always be the case.

I didn’t know life could suddenly fall apart like it has. I have this heavy defeated feeling most of the time. It all feels so hard and I’ve even become scared about the future as I honestly believe theres just more shit round the corner. Will it ever get better? I keep having thoughts about illness or dying alone or being in a car crash. None of these things I’ve ever thought about before.

So sorry to read this OP. I know it's not quite same but I broke up with my ex at 33 and now at 38 have a DP and two DDs. The one thing though is, while I'd never say to change for a man, I would try to be a bit more patient(your word). People say stupid things, especially at the start, it's nerve wracking. You could be writing off some nice guys. Moving sounds like a good idea.

Thank you. Everyday feels so dreadful at the moment and unbelievably lonely, even though I see people al the time.

You've been through a really shitty time. But people who have husbands and kids aren't all living a fantastic fulfilling life. The grass is always greener I think. I always wanted a partner and a family,when I got that I felt trapped, unhappy and the marriage broke down. I feel exhausted with the kids and mentally and physically drained. I have no freedom or time to do anything for myself.

I'm not at all undermining how you feel - I'm just trying to get you to see from the other side, it's not always what brings happiness. You need to find happiness in yourself. What do you enjoy doing?

Op, you’re only in your 30’s- you’re still very young and a lot can change. You’re only a few years older than me and honestly? A lot of people I know are bogged down in unhappy marriages with high mortgages and kids they can’t cope with yearning for freedom. Something you have that they don’t- freedom. You can live wherever you want, meet whoever you want, eat what you want, travel wherever you want, take up whatever hobbies you fancy..you get my drift! I know it sounds patronising but try and look at the positives. Although I’m in a relationship now I often envy my past single life and all the freedom and fun that came with it. I hope you feel better soon.

OP, I had two miscarriages in lockdown (three in total in the last 1.5 years, two out of the three missed miscarriages and one traumatic medical management). My marriage is currently in tatters for various reasons, but no doubt with some contribution from the above. I'm turning 34 in a couple of weeks, have a successful career (although who knows, maybe my famous last words too). I have no mojo, no oomph anymore and lost the will.

I don't really know what else to tell you apart from the fact I know how you're feeling all too well and you're not alone

You have had such a crap time it’s perfectly natural to still be grieving your losses. That might not help right now but hopefully you can cut yourself some slack for feeling bad.
If you feel moving would help then is there anything stopping you? It’s worth thinking whether you need a change of social circle although I know it’s tough being social at the moment.
I’m a bit older than you and have friends who are still meeting people and starting families if that is what you want.
You are worth healing for you, for the sake of yourself and not just for a relationship. Hang in there.

Can I just tell you something, when you're low you want to be close to your family regardless of whether they truly make you happy. This is something that is familiar to you and you're yearning stability now. I've been there myself. But my conclusion is don't do it. It will likely drive you up the wall. The last thing you need now is to be far away from social life. I know it's limited now because of the pandemic, but it will pick up again in a few months time. You need to be at the centre of it. You will meet someone. You will have your baby. I can guess lots of thoughts that are going through your head now, but you have to keep yourself on track: you WILL get there. Don't focus on the number, 36 is irrelevant. When you get where you truly want to be, you'll look back and regret beating yourself up over your age. Things will fall into place, navigate through the dark patch now and you'll get there.

What you're going through re your anxiety is completely normal after losing a baby. I had major anxiety that someone I love would die, in a car crash or due to cancer. It didn't make sense to anyone else, but I was just traumatised and shocked by the loss and it's translated into major anxiety. It goes away. I don't suffer from it anymore, I even drive myself again. This needs time. Meditation helped me a lot, I've also started running. Acupuncture can be great help too. Journalling? Books about calming your mind? Nice, calming scents around the house like lavender, blackout curtains, anything goes. Do anything that helps you relax a bit now.

You've had a shitty, traumatic time of it.

I keep having thoughts about illness or dying alone or being in a car crash. None of these things I’ve ever thought about before.

That's fairly natural after trauma. Most of the time our sense of safety is dependent on feeling in a bit of a bubble - "bad things happen to other people who aren't like me [therefore I am safe]".

Your bubble has been burst and now your brain is panicking about how it is supposed to perform its primary job of keeping you safe in a world it can't control. That's where those upsetting thoughts are coming from. Your brain is trying to figure out how to make an unpredictable world manageable again.

Feeling safe and in control is really important to humans to be able to cope day to day and to thrive. Rather than focusing on the big uncertainty of the future, I would try to draw your attention back to re-establishing a basic sense of safety in your daily life.

Moving to live somewhere that isn't going to haunt you with painful memories all the time might be one huge step towards that. I wouldn't think of it being sad to move alone (outside of this thread I don't think I've ever thought that when somebody has moved house alone, it doesn't have to be a sad thing). It would put you back in control and allow you to build yourself up a safe space that is in your control. Somewhere that feels like a sanctuary.

I realise this probably sounds shit and inadequate in the face of what you've been through and how you're feeling, but if you can just focus for a while on bringing safety (and a bit of control) back into your life - really truly having times and places where you feel safe - I think it will start to enable you (and your panicking brain) to heal.

From there, other bigger things will be possible. But right now take them off the table and just focus on making life feel safer again in whatever little ways you can.

Taking active steps to soothe your central nervous system will gradually help too. Trauma and feeling unsafe put your mind and body in a high threat state, which makes everything feel harder and more painful.

If you can spend a little time each day doing things that make you feel calmer, soothed, cared for or that bring you a little bit of enjoyment that will help ease things.

I don't want to invalidate how you're feeling - it's normal to feel pain and grief after all you've lost. It's ok to feel that and talk about it. It's ok to rage Or despair.

Soothing and safety can just take the edge off and give you a chance to heal.

@Pilsy how are you feeling today?

I didn’t know life could suddenly fall apart like it has.

And now you do. It's useful armour for moving forward. But, yes - eventually you will feel better; less despairing, less hopeless, able to contemplate a satisfying future. It won't happen all at once.

A word of warning - from bitter experience - country cottages are lovely but don't, whatever you do, move somewhere socially isolated. You will badly want the distraction of a city to help you get through.

I send love and kindness to you. What a horrible time you've had. Glad you are getting counselling, it will help.

Please please believe me when I say this. It will get better. You will heal and get stronger and more choices will appear.

Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve for the child you haven't had and the future you had planned. Grieving is painful but essential.

I've been where you are. I saw no way out but held on and it slowly got better. That was 25 years ago. Been married 20 years now with a beautiful daughter.

Hold on.