Newborn in SCBU - how can I give my support?

[Diorissimo1985]

My sister’s 1 week old baby is in SCBU undergoing all sorts of tests, and she has a toddler at home too. She is frantic with worry waiting on answers and I feel so helpless and unable to support her. Life seems very cruel at the moment, and I hate to think of my sweet sister in such emotional pain and her baby covered in wires etc.
I live overseas and we speak on the phone every day but I don’t know what to say, I just listen. She is being so brave.

My question for those who have experienced this, or have family who have - what practical support can I offer from afar? What is the most comforting thing I can say? I never want to tell her ‘everything will be alright’ as I feel that isn’t accurate and I appreciate how serious the situation is. What is the best thing to say to her?

Any advice very welcome please

I would say keep in touch regularly but in a way that doesn’t require her to answer. So eg a daily text saying “hope today was ok” or “sending you a big hug” or something similar. Then she can call/text if she wants, and not if she doesn’t. SCBU is a rollercoaster, one day things may be looking up then down again the next.

I agree with the above suggestion. Thinking about your family xx

As well as emotional support, is there anything practical you could help with?

When my friends had a 28 weeker we set up a “meal train” to ensure that they had healthy meals. People overseas donated money to help with hospital parking costs.

Could you be her point of contact to get news out to family and friends?

My elder brother lives in Canada and during the last year of my wife being ill and then dying of cancer he helped by just regularly asking me how I was and what was happening. It enabled me to offload. He encouraged me and he gave me positive feedback, it was good to know he was out there and on our team.

When our baby was in ICU for several weeks our friends and family sent us various lovely things. There was a teddy for baby which was the right size to prop up his ventilator tubing, some chocolate and a book to read to him while sitting with him.

I also appreciated a lovely play worker who came and asked us our story. Being able to tell us someone the details of how everything happened such as exactly when he received his diagnosis etc. It is hard to explain, but being able to talk about it to a friendly person helped.

You sound like a lovely sister and auntie. Just keep in touch and keep being you, and I am sure that you will be a great support to your sister.

Thank you everyone for replying to me. I always message saying ‘don’t feel you need to reply etc’
Our parents are looking after their toddler right now and my BIL has been keeping everyone up to date with news. I want to be there for her so much and hate to be so far away physically. I never pray but I prayed last night!

Is your sister in hospital or commuting in? If she’s staying in hospital, send her something. We left so remote from everyone in nicu but a card or flowers just reminded me of the outside world!
Practical stuff that is also a bit fancy is lovely. We had meals delivered (to eat in hospital and at home- our hospital has an m and s, but it is possible to get bored of their food) and really swanky hand cream (The hand washing/ alcohol gel burns).

You are there supporting from afar.

In very different circumstances a relative's friend was in prison abroad for 2 years, my grandmother would write to him and she told him to write to her anything he couldn't or did not want to tell his own mother.

Being out of the country means you can offer to listen to your sister talking about the things she doesn't want to talk about with people physically close.

Don't forget the toddler, who is probably a little confused right now. I doubt he has been allowed to see his/her sibling. Some small presents, or a card / letter gran can read to the toddler.

With online shopping that's easier to do, and you could also send hand cream etc to your sister.

I think from afar it's hard - a message and a card.

I had to live in rooms attached to NICU due to my baby being far from home. Really kindly my Aunty and Uncle who lived in the same town cooked for us - sent food in daily. Allowed my DH to come to their place to catch up on work etc

ultimately just by listening you're being an amazing sister- not putting demands on her time to speak with etc is the best thing - so you're doing everything right.

I was very low on time I remember it all so well.

A friend had very prem twins, unfortunately one didn't make it. One thing she told me afterwards was when she shared photos of them she was sad she never got told how beautiful they were as people always concentrated on their tiny size, machines and wires. She just wanted someone to gush over her babies like other mums get.

My baby is in NICU at the moment and honestly the support I appreciate the most is the people celebrating her as they would a normal baby - telling me she's gorgeous and how well she is doing etc. I don't mean be dismissive, do acknowledge how hard things are, but she's still my baby and my pride and joy and it helps me to show her off as I normally would.

I had a baby in nicu for three weeks. The thing I appreciated most was a big basket of cakes someone sent. Food we could just shovel down quickly was great and I think all the sugar and fat helped me express the "gold top" my baby needed to build her strength.

Thanks all. Would I send things to their house or can you send directly to hospital?

You won’t be able to send to hospital, no, especially at the moment. If you are sending to their home, do check if someone will be in to receive.

Just thinking, some nice masks might be a good present too...

Masks is a nice idea @minipie