Violent meltdowns ASD

[CandEB]

Ds is 5 and was diagnosed as having ASD in January. He is prone to violent meltdowns which can triggered by a whole host of things such as noise, change in routine, being unable to do things he perceives as tricky. Today has been a particularly bad day as has been very upset about returning to school. The school has put him on a part time timetable as they believe he needs a transition back into school however ds is increasingly distressed by not having lunch at school and spending the afternoon. Everytime we talk about it when he's calm ds states that school is wrong and I want it to not be wrong.
This morning ds was agitated from the get go and had a horrible meltdown resulting in kicking hitting and screaming and ended up punching dh in the face. I feel completely defeated. Punishment for meltdowns does fuck all and to be honest it makes things worse. The only thing that seems to work is leaving him alone and giving him ear defenders to block out the noise untill he comes back downstairs. How are we supposed to deal with these incidents? Is it because I'm just a horrible mother? What am I doing wrong? I feel so guilty that sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if we just had our other two dc who are 10x easier to parent and are generally lovely children. Outside of the meltdowns etc ds is lovely and a joy to be around. How do other people with autistic children seem to cope?

The meltdowns are not personal. They are him being overwhelmed and failing to cope. Do what is necessary to get them over. DS1 (9) needs to be left alone with a safe space. After school, I'll give him food and a sugary drink for physical energy.
When he is calm, you can try to talk it over, but there is no point before that point.

How does he cope in school (I have a masker who is fine until the end of the day who blows once he's out of the classroom)

We have a termly cycle of meltdowns.
Medium-high risk on the first week or two back.
Lowest risk weeks 3-4 when he is settled.
Risk increases by the week to the end of term. 8 week terms are awful.
The start of the holiday can be a trigger.it's best to keep them low-key. Anxiety can rise at the end of a long holiday as he anticipates the start of term.

Just recognising the pattern helped a lot, the same that I know I'm brainfoggy, headachy and impatient and check the day on the calendar and understanding why.

Age, diagnosis, and getting more atriculate about feelings and triggers have helped a lot. This time two years ago I was on my knees after a vile summer and ready to go to the GP for referral.

Hi hear you OP although I don't have many answers. My DD turned 6 a couple of weeks ago and can lash out when she is anxious about things or is being asked to do something she doesn't want to do.
Is the problem here that your son wants to have lunch at school. Is he at school in the morning or in the afternoon at the moment. If he thinks school is 'wrong' then it may be best to have a word with school asking if they can take him full time as if this is what he's used to and familiar with it may settle him. Failing that our school often do my daughter social stores when there is going to be a big change. Could you or they put a short social story together explaining why he's at school on a part time basis and the reason why in simple terms for him?
If he needs ear defenders then I think that's fine.
My DD like yours is lovely once she comes out of her meltdowns but once she's in one or going into one it's very difficult to reason with her. She can also be incredibly anxious about things so I understand how difficult it is!

We are getting there with figuring out patterns but things still do pop up which we are starting to connect the dots too. Like the other day we realised that ds is distressed when we have dinners containing minced beef as he doesn't like the texture so we have eliminated giving him dinners that contain it. He has had a few violent outbursts at school so I wouldn't describe him as masker, however he often does hold onto stress and can often break down at the end of the school. I guess I'm just feeling at the end of my tether especially considering I have a 9 week old so sleep deprivation is affecting nre.

He's currently doing 8:40 untill 12 which is supposed to be in place untill the 21st. He's extremely rigid and I do believe the not having lunch and staying for the afternoon is really getting to him. I do understand the school are in a difficult place as we are currently in the process of obtaining an ehcp. Dh did say he was going to talk to the schools senco tomorrow and ask to discuss the issue.

School can't enforce a part time timetable if you don't agree with it op. They are effectively excluding him for having autism, which is illegal.

Regarding meltdowns, has he got a safe space he can go to? I know some parents use play tents, or a tent/canopy that goes over a bed. He needs somewhere quiet and dark that he can go to calm down. My dd likes to roll herself up in a blanket and also has a weighted blanket...have you tried anything like that? She also finds her lava lamp or bubble lamp very calming and likes to stroke something soft.

I didn't realise that we had to agree that's good to know thanks. He does have a weighted blanket which does help sometimes and he really loves laying in his bed in the dark with a fiberoptic lamp. I will look into the tent canopy as It seems like something he would really love.

Quite often the meltdowns are triggered by sensory overload. Try looking at something like Calmwear. This is clothing which helps keep the body feel grounded and really helps to reduce sensory overload. Sounds strange I know, but it really helps.
Calm Wear is american and I don't know what the UK equivalent is, but I certainly wish I'd known about it when DD was small. I'm nothing to do with Calm Wear btw. I've just come across it and think it sounds amazing.
Calm wear is made to look like normal clothing, so things like vest, socks, pants, knickers etc. it won't make your child stand out, but will help.

My lad had extremely violent meltdowns when he was younger and it's absolutely vile to go through... they and remember though that no matter how personal it feels, it really isn't. Learn to pick your 'fights' and save your energy for the real battles. Punishing meltdowns very rarely works.. I remember the only punishment that worked was time out in the back porch... and that was only because it was quiet with no stimulation at all! If they want to wear earphones then let them along with a simple compromise such as you can wear your earphones on the way to school and on the way back but you must take them off in class etc. See if that helps x

We use talking mats with my dd (she's just 8). If you are happy to pm me I can email it to you.

It has pictures for all the different things at school- playground, lunch, smells, lessons, etc
You have 3 columns- not a problem, little bit of a problem and a big problem. Dc sort the picture cards, without having to explain or talk unless they want to. It's a good way of identifying things.

My dd has already started talking about smells and how everyone has their own smell but some people get too close and she doesn't like it.