My feed

to access all these features


Whats this about? Single parent finish line - its here. they are still alive. Should be feeling proud of myself but it hurts instead...

10 replies

Wheelyyyy · 04/09/2020 20:24

Really looking for some morale support, differing perspectives from the hive and some 'help me figure this out'.
So any arm chair psychologist out there please give me your two pennies worth...

I have the aching guilt since my youngest DS found out he is going to uni.
People say i should be so proud and pleased with myself at how theyve turned out. But all i remember are my failings - the clubs I couldn't take them too, the family they lost out on, the lack of holidays or day trips or trendy clothes or phones.

Im so proud of them but i feel so sad that this was my expereince of motherhood and theirs. I wish I could've set them up better or given them more experiences.

I have met someone who has younger children and has a good set up for his kids with his ex and a good co-parenting relationship.
I havent told him my DP this and wouldn't dare....but the life his kids have and the support that he and ex give each other is Brilliant. Its bringing up in me all these feelings that I didnt know were there....Im never going to have that experience as a mother and my sons will never have that.

I feel so inadequate and like ive failed my lads.

My ex husband cut our two sons out of his life after we divorced along with his parents. Complete curve ball. I never throught he or they would have done it. But they did.
From the age of 5 and 7 I have raised my two ds's on my own both practically and financially.
I went to uni and got a career in healthcare (11 years on and ive done ok). It paid the bills.

We didnt do holidays as such, money was tight and because of shifts I couldnt get them to clubs frequently enough.

They are now 18 and 20 next week. Both at uni studying Biomedical scence and physics. The loveliest humble lads and they are my best mates.

Dont get me wrong. Do either of them have a job....No. So neither have passed driving tests because i refuse to pay for lessons until they are working and I will contribute.

How do i turn my mindset around. What is it Im not seeing. I want to feel confident and proud and not sad. I almost feel like im grieving.

OP posts:
angorarabbit · 04/09/2020 20:36

I have been there! Many years ago admittedly but still get where you are coming from. I brought 4 children up as a single parent from when they were very young, with very little money. it was tough and I had the same feelings you describe. But like your children, mine all went on to uni, and then graduated with good degrees, are now happily married/settled, some with children, and are gainfully employed. You have clearly given your boys the support and encouragement to be independent and motivated, which is of more value than material gain.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 04/09/2020 20:39

Quite simply, kids remember better the strong, kind, empathetic, brilliant parents who supported them and were there for them through all the tough times than they do the "stuff" they get or the places they went. Just look at the Stately Homes thread.

You sound amazing and you should be SO proud of what you've achieved all on your own. It sounds like you have wonderful, smart boys. YOU did that OP, you. Focus on thatThanks

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 04/09/2020 20:40

Don’t we all have regrets as parents? I didn’t have to cope with what you had to do and I still have the same thoughts as you (mine are the same age)
They must be very proud of you. I wonder if that’s why most grandparents put in lots of effort, a chance to do it again (a bit) with the benefit of hindsight.

TheABC · 04/09/2020 20:41

You are grieving for lost time and the family life you anticipated when they were born.

But just because they missed out on clubs does not mean that you failed them! You have shown them the value of love, attention and hard work. You kept the lights on and food on the table - by yourself!

Ask them what they think. Their favourite moments and best bits. You will be surprised.

FVFrog · 04/09/2020 20:44

Be proud, be very proud and have no regrets. You were there, and that is all that matters 💐

ssd · 04/09/2020 20:44

God you sound like a good mum. With good kids.
You are grieving what you didn't have and couldn't give them. It's only natural. But hopefully in time you'll celebrate what you did have and gave them.. Love, kindness, morality, decency and humbleness. That actually beats Disney, money and bling. As we all know. What you gave them made them men. Men worth having. And that's priceless Flowers

Tumbleweed101 · 05/09/2020 08:00

I understand exactly what you mean. I’ve been a single mum of four since my youngest was 2yr old. My eldest two are 22 and 20 this year and doing well even though I haven’t had the money to improve their opportunities in life. But there have been a few things they’ve said lately that make me realise they blame their dad for any lack in their lives and appreciate that I was the parent there for them through everything.
Raising children is hard work and to do it alone more so as you never have that backup or support but I think we grieve for the ‘could have been’ whereas the children know no different.

Pombearbuffet · 05/09/2020 08:09

You’ve done a great job. Holidays and clubs don’t buy happiness a living parent does. Being a parent doesn’t end now, you can be a supportive parent to your adult children and maybe a great grandparent in time. It’s not the end, it’s a new chapter.

Pombearbuffet · 05/09/2020 08:09
  • loving!
Advicewouldbeappreciated · 05/09/2020 08:11

I feel the same. Mine are teens. But I have done my best with what I have.
Thats all you can do x

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.