Ds 12 has gone back to school today and messaged me to say he hates it is going to kill himself on Sunday 😢

[Dickorydockwhatthe]

He has been extremely worried and anxious about going back and stressed about the work and the new norm. It took him ages to go out during lockdown. He's worked himself up so much over this. He's only in year 8 so basically feels like he is starting back again but even worse as he feels theres more expentation. He's just messaged me saying he hates it, he's so stressed and confused with everything 😢. What do I do? He's a very sensitive boy who always tries his best but idlf he finds it hard he really struggles and stresses himself out to the point he has a complete melt down. If a teacher tells him off or if he gets something wrong he can't cope. And now he can't cope. Going back to school. Please can someone advise me?

Do you know what it is he finds hard? Is it schoolwork? Does he have friends? Is he getting bullied?

Calling the school was the right thing to do. It doesnt matter if he 'hates' you for it (and he absolutely wont hate you for it), any anger he might feel is only temporary and as his mum your primary job is keeping him safe and love him, and youve done both those things. You wont have made it worse

Did he have much contact with friends whilst in lockdown. It is so hard my Yr 8 has gone back she was very nervous yesterday but had been what's apping friends through lockdown and they are all back together, she is happy with the school procedures and settled back in quickly. However if he is starting again almost it is natural to be standard, I would hope the school are realistic in their expectations and ease them back into it... Let him talk to you when he is ready, let him know you are always ready to listen and see what help you can get...

I was like this as a child. I honestly think the best thing to do is deregister him if at all possible. Online schools exist now, there are plenty of homeschooling groups, and honestly, falling a bit behind educationally is much easier to fix when you're a bit older than having dreadful mental health because you were forced into a place you hated for years.

Look at it this way - if he were older, had a job, and said he hated it so much he felt suicidal, any reasonable person would say that at the very least he should take sick leave to recover, and it would probably be sensible for him to look at other career options that didn't make him so miserable. School is great for some children, but some it really doesn't fit.

Plenty of schools like to pile on the pressure because they think it makes the lazy students take things seriously. Pressure is motivating for some students. For sensitive, perfectionist ones? It can be absolutely crushing. ('Your whole life depends on how well you do at school...' and so on. It really doesn't.) Ultra-strict behaviour policies aren't appropriate for basically good kids who make occasional small mistakes, either.

@Dickorydockwhatthe

I've phoned the school someone's going to tlak to him. Emailed tutor too. I've literally cried down the phone so feel a right wally no 😔 hoping I've not made things worse and that he doesn't hate me. I know he would have been bottling it up and then probably exploded once the teacher asked him 😢

Don't feel a wally! You're his mum who loves him and is frightened. School won't think anything negative of you. You've done the right thing for now. Make sure you speak to the school before the end of day and (doesn't need saying) give your boy the biggest hug of his life when you see him. If you work, can you book Monday morning off so you've got a bit of flexibility to get him to school (if that's the best for him) or have a meeting with school?

As you say he was ok before lockdown, I would speak to him and say I know it’s difficult at the moment, give it a week and if you still feel the same then we will look at other options and then I would deregister him.
It might be the change that has upset him and he might settle once it is more familiar but if he doesn’t then I wouldn’t hesitate to remove him from a situation that makes him feel this way.

So sorry OP that’s heartbreaking.
Is he scared of covid? Have you yourself been overly anxious- can you talk him through the data and statistics so he is calmer if that’s the crux of the matter.
I’d consider speaking to your GP too

The sad truth is that schools are very aware that the last few months will have had a huge impact on the mental health of some pupils. We talked about it at Inset for our school, and it’s a key priority. I expect all schools will have done the same. Flag it to the pastoral team. No one will judge or be surprised, I imagine he’ll be met with much sympathy And everyone also knows the year 8 had barely time to settle. This won’t be unexpected and they’ll want to help I’m sure.

I see you've already been in touch with school but I'd personally have waited until he got home and could have a chat with him to find out a bit more about what he's thinking. Teens have a habit of being all "the world is ending" one minute and "everything's fine the next", so it might already have blown over (and of course it might not, but you can't possibly tell from a distance).

I have found the most important thing is to sympathise, don't say that his feelings are wrong.
The mistake I made with my ds is to say things like "don't be silly you are clever" or something better to say " it must be awful to think like that, I'm sorry"

from me too, OP. I’ve been there with DS2 who struggles with anxiety (I think around unknowns, so new year, new subjects, new routines can all be difficult). School pastoral team were amazing - even small things like making sure that seating plans put him beside a friend in each lesson helped. We tried counselling which wasn’t very successful but I’m glad he went. Today (first day back) I texted him the morning routine: what time he had to be out of bed, what time to leave, etc. It seems to help if less is unknown. I feel for you ...

I was reading in the NYT (I think!) this week that adults are struggling with socialising now, being in lockdown has made all our social skills suffer and now people are finding it a lot more difficult to reintegrate and read each others' socials signals and things. I'm definitely finding it harder personally, I'm anxious about seeing people that I like and absolutely hating work video calls...

A teacher talking to him is a good idea, and I hope he settles. All the best.

He just dosent cope well stress and puts alot of pressure in himself. If he doesn't get 100%in a test then it's rubbish or he will use defence tactics saying he doesn't care when he really, really does. I have reassured him, told him not worry, told him I'm proud of him and just to try his best. I couldn't give two flips about his work if he's not happy. I've told him we all feel the same even me going back to work, it's normal people understand ans is they don't I will speak to them. As a parent I'm laid back and if my kids try their best then that's all I could wish for. I just want them to be happy, good people. The thing when he went to nursery he cried every day. He also used to hug people alot even random ones which makes me thing he does have really bad anxiety especially new environments/people. I had a really difficult period during his pregnancy (undiagnosed pre natal depression) husband was away in services, and wonder if I passed my anxiety onto him 😔. He kept in touch with a few school friends in the beginning but mainly went back to his primary friends as did alot of others. Also he's experiencing onset of puberty so had alot of emotions during lockdown, and when we could go out more he wouldn't.

this is not your fault or his! You have done the right thing.
Hug for you and one for your DS when he gets home from school.

Go and get him and don't send him back until you've helped him work through his anxiety issues with therapy/counselling.

Really sorry this has happened and I hope he and you get the support needed. As much as I want my 12 year old to be back in school I wouldn't hesitate to keep him out of school it it was necessary. Don't feel pressurised to send him if it is currently the wrong thing for him.

Sorry to read you are both going through this. Firstly for you, it's completely ok to cry, in fact it's normal that you are. Your child just said something no parent ever wants to hear. Whether or not you have passed on anxiety is irrelevant for now, he needs a ton of support and love. There has been an immense build up in the media about kids returning to school, has he been exposed to much of that? Is it possible to 'dial down' any sense of expectation that they have to 'catch up' for what they missed during lock down, and just try and take things one day at a time, reconnect with friends, reconnect with being at school. If he needs time off then give it to him. Hopefully school will be able to support you both through this. I wish you all the best.

The problem with op removing him immediately from school is that it will reinforce her sons anxiety about school and make it even harder to go back
Year 8 is a really rough age with hormones, peer pressure etc
Really good that you have spoken to school op
Have a look at young minds and anxiety uk websites and talk to your son about specifically whT he found hard today.
All the best op.

Hi everyone thank you for your the replies. School typically rang back when I was driving I rang straight back and teacher was then in a meeting. Anyway dh took son for some cake after school offered him a coke but refused and said squash because he didn't deserve the coke 😢. He cried but didn't say anything to dh just that he loved him. When he came home to me he broke down said sorry and he loved me. We had a big hug for a long time, he said he cried with the teachers and told them he found work really stressful during lockdown and he was confused by all the one way systems and rules this morning, science lessons etc. Sounds like teachers reassured him and his tutor came to see him. He seems sorry more then anything but said it was a bit better this afternoon. I think he's just overwhelmed and needed to let it out in school I can imagine him like a pressure cooker in class trying to hold it in like a secret. Can I self refer him to Cahms? I think he does need more support and help with his feelings and emotions. He is well loved and cared for and had no traumatic experiences but he really struggles and I don't know why. Another thing I'm concerned with is he is too kind, mad I know but he would see himself off to help others and I worry people will take advantage of his wanting to please others. As for school work I am very laid back with it and I don't put any pressure on my children. I've told them not to worry and everyones experience will be different. I don't want to pull him out of school yet as I think he actually copes better with routine and structure. However scince look down he has become very reclusive and on his xbox alot more then I would normally allow especially in the beginning as it was a way for him socialise safely. I will see how next week goes luckily dh is off of there are any issues.

Not sure if you can self refer.. Might be worth a chat with a sympathetic GP. I know CAMHS are really stretched so there may be hoops to jump through but definitely worth investigating. I really hope next week goes better x

You can self refer to CAMHS but in our area you are looking at 9 months-1 year for non urgent cases. Non urgent seemed to be almost everyone unless actively self harming or making active plans re suicide.

You can keep him off tomorrow if you want. You can just ring in sick for him.

Do not think about a single thing other than him and trust yourself.

Tell him over and over that you are very glad he told you he felt that way, rather than bottling it up. That you want to know every time he feels it. That feelings are big sometimes and you can help him.

Document everything and you take strength from knowing you know him best.

for you and for your lovely son.

My DD went missing in lockdown and was returned to us by the police in them iddle of the night when she was finally found, miles away from home.

She spoke to them about feeling like self harming or committing suicide. They told me to call the doctors and when I did they referred her instantly to camhs. I expected a long wait, but 2 weeks later some paperwork came through and she had an initial phone call assessment. Then a few weeks after that another call and a set of 6 counselling calls was set up for her to speak to someone at Camhs. So not everywhere has huge waiting lists and you may get someone to help sooner rather than later if you phone your gp and explain what has happened.

Thank you everyone. His lovely tutor emailed this morning asking if he was OK and saying she would be a close eye on him. I think knowing he can talk to someone in school if it gets too much is good. I will speak to my GP and get things rolling as he definitely needs to leant some coping strategies. He's a real home bird and very family orientated. So I guess being home for such a long time hasn't helped.

How was he this morning?

Camhs will prioritise him, it's also worth looking for peer based online groups that are moderated, dd found it very useful in getting things into perspective. She also found her online gaming guild very supportive (wide range of ages)