How do I motivate my teen...

[EthelMerman]

Eldest DS is about to start in upper sixth, and in September needs to think seriously about Uni or college. His form tutor was trying to find out what direction DS wants to go in so they can support him but could only get “oh it will all work out one way or another”. At this point I was asked to join the conversation.

Following on from this, try as we might, DP and I cannot get any sense out of DS. Every conversation we initiate about what he’s thinking of doing after A-levels ends with him stamping to his room saying he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. We totally get that, we’re only asking him to plan as far as after A levels.

We’ve said we’re open to him changing his plan. We just want him to have a plan, be that a gap year and a job, Uni, college, NVQ, degree course. I’ve asked him today (after weeks of not mentioning it) to come up with five courses he’d consider studying. Cue more stamping. We’ve asked him if he’s scared about the future, he swears he’s not.

How do we get some traction and motivate him to think about his future?

I don't think you can. His reaction when you try to discuss it shows he's not up for deciding now. I would back right off and let him come to you when he's ready.

This sounds difficult for everyone. I think I'd be clear that if he doesn't arrange anything else then he will need to get a job as you won't support him doing nothing.

Then I would try and stop asking.

Thanks, it’s going to be hard but I’ll try to leave him to it.

We have been clear that we he will have to get a job if he can’t decide what to do. And he will have to pay rent.

He says he wants to have his own place and move out before he’s 30 so I suppose at some point motivation will kick in.

We tried to encourage him as a child to improve his handwriting by offering him a reward if he could go up a level, but he told us this was bribery. So I guess we leave him to march to his own drum and hope it does all come out right.

Sometimes you need to let them fall so they can correct their course or set one.

I would say that he is not ready to make a decision yet, and also that pushing him to make a decision can backfire in an spectacular way.

Could you break it on small blocks? Let him concentrate on his A levels but ensure the school does all the work needed for his UCAS application ready for him to insert his statement and university choices and submit when he is ready. Even if he misses both UCAS application deadlines he may still get him a place in Clearing if the application is ready to go in and when he has a better idea of what he wants to do.

IMO it is much better for him to take a year off after A levels to get a better perspective of what he wants to do with his life than having him signing up for a course he doesn’t have his heart in. Simply put, if he is pressured into a course he is not sure about he may end up not able to find the motivation to study and failing/dropping off. Personally, I would prefer him to “waste” a year finding himself than wasting it in a course he hates and coming out of it with an enormous debt, the feeling of failure and no wish to give university a try again.

My DD is the same and just doesn't want to talk about it and won't consider taking a gap year. I've given up worrying as it's her life but she does tend to bottle things up when she's feeling under the spotlight or pressurised.

I am going to try really hard to take all your advice and leave him to it.

@GetThatHelmetOn he’s definitely resisting making a decision.
He used to quote the whole you need to fail in order to succeed when he’d rushed his homework and didn’t want to spend time correcting it. He’s bright and would make a good politician with his ability to take your words and tie you up in knots.

His form tutor has said he wants him to get his UCAS application and statement ready to go, put his name down for something and then forget it about it until he gets his results. But maybe we have to go late on that. DS knows he can defer, take a place, change to a different course or decide uni is not for him. Doing a course for the sake of it, failing & being in all that debt isn’t the way forward.

We’re trying not to pressure him into anything, but want him to have the best range of options to choose from next August.

@houseplantmad I think I need to follow suit, stop worrying and leave him to it.

Appreciate the support and wisdom of MN, am feeling better about things. DP isn’t a great talker so I don’t always get a lot of feedback when I try to discuss this with him.

The UK system of applying for courses before you have your grades in hand leads to a lot of frustration and disappointment.
He's been out of school for six months. I'm not surprised he can't remember what he likes and what he's good at! The form tutor needs to learn to read his student. He's clearly not ready to make a decision.
And 2021 is shaping up to be a bearpit of a year with deferred applicants and some universities on the brink of financial disaster. I'm not sure it's going to be the easiest year to start university.
Let him be. He can still apply into Spring or even take a year out and hopefully generate some savings. Far better than being bulldozed into an expensive course that he's not committed to.