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Help me stay strong setting boundaries with my narcasistic mother

7 replies

Pearsapiece · 02/09/2020 15:06

OK so I have, over the last few years, began to realise how narcasistic my mum is. It's a very long story but she likes to be involved in every step on mine and dh's lives.
I decided enough was enough and we all know that dealing with a narc is hard and talking rationally to them isn't an option. So I have decided its finally time to set boundaries. I'm starting with the constant phone calls.
Today is Wednesday, usually my day of with my toddler Ds however he is in nursery today. My mum doesnt know he is in nursery (because she doesn't need to) so I am trying to avoid her phone calls because I know as soon as she knows DS isn't here, she will be rude to me and then rush off the phone and I'll get hurt.
So far she has:
-video called me from her phone
-video called my from my dad's phone less than an hour later because she thinks I will answer to him.
-called me from her phone about another half an hour later.
-it's dh's birthday today and my siblings sent him birthday messages on our family group WhatsApp that dh isn't in. Despite knowing I will pass the messages on, she has taken it upon herself to send each message individually onto dh herself and ask him why I'm not answering my phone... Dh is at work.

I've managed to stay strong so far but how long to we think before I get either a phone call from my dad's phone or a passive aggressive message that says something along the lines of "tried to get hold of you but no answer, just wanted to (insert pointless and needless question here just to get a response )"?

Be kind, it's my first day of holding my boundaries, usually I'd have caved and phone DF back after the call from his phone incase something was wrong

OP posts:
Alpacinoseyes · 02/09/2020 16:39

Personally I think it's best to ease out with this rather than sudden blanket ban?
Is your mum worried that suddenly your not responding?

Being suddenly blanked gets anyone's goat. I think gently easing back is better I suspect your not going to cut all contact?

Onekidnoclue · 02/09/2020 16:48

Good work OP. I have a narc mother and not strong enough to reduce contact. You’re doing so well to have identified the problem and be working to reduce it.
I’m afraid I think you might have made this extra hard on yourself with cutting her out cold. Could you try to sub in some texts for calls? It’ll be hard to phase off contact but going cold turkey will be really tough. Good luck.

Pearsapiece · 02/09/2020 17:31

You both make a good point. For it to be sustainable i need to phase it. I have been phasing it out for a few weeks until he started ringing from my dad's phone and then I worry somethings wrong with him so call him back and sure enough she answers. I think I will send a text later saying I was busy and see what she says... It's just the snide comments that come back from her which I can't be arsed with

OP posts:
Onekidnoclue · 02/09/2020 18:34

It’s a tough one and the snide comments are shitty but, and this might be just me, I find them easier to brush off when written down. There’s a proper record so I know it’s not me imagining she’s being bitchy and I can ignore until I feel strong enough to check. Appreciate everyone is different though.

CarelessSquid07A · 02/09/2020 18:38

I used to just answer the phone with a quick not now I'll speak to you on x day and x time. Limited it to one call a week which worked nicely while we lived over 100 miles away.

These days we're Nc. I managed to upset her so much she thinks shes Nc with me which actually works wonderfully Grin

Pearsapiece · 02/09/2020 18:51

Ah @CarelessSquid07A that is the dream! Great suggestion though, thanks, I'll try to limit the phone calls to what I'm happy with, maybe take it down step by step so reduce it to twice a week (which would be a large reduction), then down to once a week.

OP posts:
CarelessSquid07A · 02/09/2020 18:57

Its turns out that narcissist mothers at least in my case dont enjoy being questioned about their instability and whether they should be medicated.

Occasionally she sends me an email instructing me to seek therapy but these days I find those hilarious and they go to my spam Grin

It genuinely feels like a burden has been lifted,its been a year now and I'm loving it Smile

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