Refusing to go to school

[Bagsalot]

I posted this on preteens last night but there is hardly any traffic on there so im re posting here for a bit more help if possible, I'm pretty scared about Thursday, dd is going into year 8, so 2nd year at secondary school, she just keeps saying she won't go and I can't make her. She won't talk to me just shuts down completely. How can I get round this and what will happen if she wont go. Its all so awful she seems so unhappy i can't get to the bottom of it. I don't even know where to begin I'm not equipped to deal with it. Any advice gratefully received.

First things first. You need to get hold of school to come up with a plan. They will have dealt with school refusal before. Is she known to CAMHS? If so, get her care coordinators advice, too

I feel for you - I had a school refusing DS for a while when he was in year 8.

I suppose without knowing what the cause is, it's hard to address. I think you have to be quite firm and tell her that if she doesn't go to school, you could be fined and so you need to understand what is worrying her so that you can address it. Speak to the school as soon as you can. The key to resolving DSs issue was being firm, which was hard as he was very distressed, and working with the school.

I ended up taking DS into school where he was met by the pastoral lead. We did this for 10 days or so and I had to really make myself walk away as I was leaving him sobbing in the foyer. The school were excellent and rang me every morning to say he was fine and settled into class.

It was a slog but knowing we weren't going to give in and let him stay home meant he soon ran out of steam. We never did get to the bottom of it, it seemed to be anxiety in some form but he has been fine since and is about to go into year 11.

I imagine a lot of kids will be struggling with the thought of going back - I guess you need to know if it's that or something else/as well. Has she been in touch with her friends/been out when she can?

I know what you mean about not feeling equipped. It's so hard.

Thank you for your replys she is not known to CAMHS, I rang the doctor a couple of weeks ago, they are going to arrange some councilling but I've heard nothing yet. At that point she said she would rather be dead than go to school.
I'm getting it all ready as if she is going and for a while I thought she would, but last night she stated that no she wont. I will take her, walk her there tomorrow if we get that far. I suppose then I will ring the school tomorrow, she wont get up yet today, just shouts leave me alone when I go in. I'm trying to be kind and gentle but we aren't getting anywhere. I've told her we will be fined etc, i don't think she cares.
I guess until she actually wont go i can't do much, I feel so powerless and sad

I dont think its covid she is scared of, weve talked alot about it over the months mostly because I work in a hospital so have been at the front of it all.

Did you have problems with her going last year?

I would contact the school now, don't wait until tomorrow as she may need support from them to actually go into school. It is easier for your daughter to say no to you than it is to another adult.

Did this start during lockdown?

Because I'd guess she was already happy in school and the break did her good - but also she realised just how much she preferred not being there?

Does she have a phone?

She may prefer or find it easier to communicate via text?

Why not try a simple message telling her you really want to help but can only do that if she tells you first why she doesn't want to go. Leg her know you understand there's a reason.

The day my son told me he'd rather be dead than go to school he planned his own suicide (thank god he cannot tie knots)

Please take this seriously.

All the time she feels pressurised she'll shut down further.

Her attitude to going won't change until the reason she is afraid isn't there anymore.

It'll take time.

Ring GP and ask if they can speed up Camhs apt.

My friend’s son was like this in year 7 and 8. My dd2 was a school refuser throughout primary school up until year 6.

I really feel for you because it is hard to know what to do for the best. Like other posters have suggested I would talk to the school.

My friend’s son got a lot of support from the pastoral team and that seemed to be the most helpful route.

Can you reframe it? "Everyone has to go to school, but what we can do is speak to the headteacher about extra support or moving to a different class (or whatever)".

That might encourage her to explain why she doesn't want to go.

I have rang the school they are ringing back, I've been sat by her in her room for 20 minutes whilst she screamed at me to go away, I didn't shout back. Then I've taken her phone off her which has caused a melt down again. Husband being useless, not sure taking the phone was the right thing.

Is she being bullied or emotionally ostracised at school? If so can you move her to a different school or home school her?

Have you any idea what is making her feel this way? Does the school have any insights?

The thing about covid is it might not be actual covid that's bothering her - just the fact she hasn't been to school for so long maybe causing anxiety. You can't really help if she can't articulate what she is worried about.

I wouldn't worry about the phone - just be there for her and hopefully she'll open up.

You staying calm and consistent if the most important thing, it sounds like you are doing brilliantly. It's great that you are ringing the school. Just stay consistently available to talk about why she doesn't want to go.

Hi there. What a difficult situation and I hope the school will be back in touch soon to provide support. If your daughter is saying she won't go in, there must be something underneath this that she requires support with. She will need you to be there for her and to listen when she feels able to talk about it. She may be feeling so anxious that she can't articulate her feelings at the moment. This shouldn't be about punishment and I recommend that you just let her know that you understand that she is anxious and upset and you're there for her when she is ready to talk. School may offer a virtual meeting with someone from pastoral support who may be able to talk with her too. Good luck op .

I am the parent of two school refusers. Both are now home ed.

If you are on Facebook I'd recommend the Not Fine In School group page as it's full of useful advice.

The most important thing I will say is do not force her and do not punish her.

You need to make an appointment to see GP to put it on record that this is a medical issue. You will be lucky to get a quick referral to CAMHS but you can ask to go on the list. You need to make an appointment to speak to school SENCO to ask for what support can be put into place and you can ask your daughter if there is anything that can be done to make it easier for her.

I would also suggest you contact the Local Authority and ask to speak to the Education Welfare Officer to make them aware of the situation. They will be supportive if they know that it is anxiety and you are going down the medical route. You also need to put the LA on notice that after 15 days of non attendance they have a duty under s. 19 of the Education Act to provide an alternative provision. You can also request a Statutory Needs Assessment EHCP. Anxiety resulting in refusal to Attend is adequate.

There is normally a SEN reason (undiagnosed) that leads to this. Rule nothing out both of my refusers had masked complex needs for years.

Don't take her phone off her. She needs it to communicate. Punishment won't solve this.

Also remember that school is not the be all and end all, her mental health is the most important thing. She will be educated, school just isn't happening now.

Stay calm and focussed on the fact that she is safe.

Much sympathy here too. My DS went through a school refusal phase between the end of primary school and the start of secondary.

We saw a doctor and were referred to a psychologist where he he did a course of CBT. This helped as it seemed to give him some control over his feelings and taught him strategies to deal with what situations were making him anxious.

The school wasn’t particularly helpful, though I imagine things have improved since then. Their way of dealing with him was effectively to put him in isolation with the badly behaved kids in the school “sin bin”.

He did eventually learn to accept school and did well, and went on to university. Good luck, OP.

The school rang back and the emotional support woman came round there were 2 of them and sat and talked to her for a bit, i don't think she said much but she's agreed to go currently, I messaged her friends mum and she is coming to call so they can walk in together. She has stayed downstairs with us and watched films. We have agreed no phone upstairs and left downstairs at night, its another issue but she has become far to reliant on it over lockdown. It feels ok, the school will provide counselling and will support her. Thank you all so much for posting i am reading and re reading what advice has been given and trying to take it on board and I have my fingers crossed for tomorrow

That's brilliant op, I'm glad the school were supportive.