I feel like I’m losing my mind! But not all the time. Sometimes I feel fine and genuinely happy. Often I do! But I’m up and down like a yo-yo.
I have 3 kids, ranging from 10 to 1.5. I’ve just turned 40. For the past 18 months, I’ve genuinely been in a joy filled baby bubble. She was a dreadful, really unimaginably bad sleeper, but she’s a total joy of a babe, very longed for and gorgeous, we’ve all been on cloud nine with her. So if it’s PND it’s very late and sudden onset.
The last ten days or so I’ve felt like a crazy person. It’s been a very sharp and sudden decline. I also have my period right now, but this is outside all realms of normal hormonal stuff.
Last week I frightened my husband. I came to the conclusion that everyone would be fine if I wasn’t here. Just quite matter of factly, that although they’d be sad for a bit , they’d recover, my husband could meet someone new, it would be fine. That I’m a kind of pointless person who is completely inconsequential. I didn’t plan to DO anything exactly. I just felt like I saw it clearly- they could do better than me.
I’m currently incredibly, overly sensitive to rejection or perceived rejection. I’ve been rejected by my mother’s group, not in a malicious way, they are all much younger and first babies and just have more in common, so they have been meeting up in a splinter group. I’m normally fine with this. It doesnt feel great, and I’m desperately lovely but it’s also understandable and nobody has been mean to me.
But they posted a picture on Facebook on a night out this week (I wasn’t invited) and I just felt sick to my stomach and thought of course they don’t want a boring old frump like me there, who would? They are young and glamorous. And 10 years younger.
I was supposed meet for a walk and coffee with my friend with a baby this morning, she’s had to cancel and also said she is busy next week, and I just burst into tears. But obviously told her it was fine because that’s normal?! But I feel like a total loser who she had to pre-empt being busy next week in case I asked to reschedule.
I actually begged my brother to meet up this week and told him how lonely I was. He doesn’t have the time (but has made time) to spare, I feel so pathetic begging people to see me!
I’ve lost all of my confidence and am feeling that nobody likes me once they get to know me. That my husband and kids could do better than me!
I gave my husband such a hard time last week and posted here about not rescheduling my 40th. The fact there’s been no celebration feels like confirmation that I’m not worth celebrating and who’d want to anyway? Nobody wants to be around me! I’m so lonely.
I know these are depressed thoughts. But they feel so real. And it’s come on so suddenly, like I’ve just seen the truth - I’m not likeable! How did it take so long to see it?
Then yesterday, I was happy all day and had a lovely day. Then today back to bleak and dark. Has this happened to anyone? I can’t trust my own thoughts and opinions. I’m scared of becoming out of touch with reality. There is NOTHING wrong externally I am incredibly fortunate by every single measure!
Is it medical or chemical? Is this what menopause feels like? Do I just genuinely suck and people want to stay away? I don’t know what to do. I do t feel I can go to the Dr and tell them I’ve just realised everyone hates me? I don’t know where to start or what to do.
I’ve been acting fake happy all day in the hope it will follow. But inside I am nauseous and have rising panic and can’t eat. I’ve lost 3kgs in two weeks as nothing appeals to eat.