Advice for friend

[Nogodsnomasters]

Sorry I know the title is vague, I really didn't know what else to put.
I have a good friend who is in her early 50's and is lovely and quiet by nature. Her daughter is married to a man from another country, he has been part of their family for about 5 years and they got married last year. Since the wedding his behaviour towards my friend (his mother in law) has changed, at first just making comments she thought were strange but maybe also thought she was misunderstanding because English is not his first language.

7 months ago during a family party at the end of the night after a lot of drink he grabbed her inappropriately and pinned her by her wrists against a wall when they were alone. She said and did nothing about this and put it down to drunkenness and it was never spoke of between them after however he continued with the "off" remarks.

Two days ago completely sober they ended up alone in her house by chance after a family dinner and he cornered her in the kitchen and tried to kiss her. She fought him off and told him he was completely out of his mind and he gave her a whole speech about how he finds her so attractive!

My friend is terrified to speak out as she's worried about many possibilities, her daughter's life being ruined after only being married last year, not being believed and losing her daughter if she picks her husband's side. Her own husband going mad and attacking the son in law if she speaks out and getting in trouble himself for assault etc.

I'm truly worried that if she does nothing it could progress to him actually hurting her or raping her to be honest. How can I convince her to speak out, or is that even the right thing to do as a friend, should I just listen and not offer advice? I'd never forgive myself if she was hurt by him and I'd not helped knowing the back story.

She needs to speak to her daughter about this and definitely make sure people are aware. The fact he is showing abusive behaviour like this towards the mother makes me concerned for the daughter. This is going to sound horrible to say but in culture overseas men are in charge and the women must obey him. My cousin recently left an abusive guy from portugal, any attempt to confront him about his behaviour he would pull the poor english card, however he spoke english excellently and worked as a teacher. I'm glad your friend has spoken out to you, make sure she distances herself from him and avoids being alone together.

Thank you for your reply. With lockdown it was easy for her to not see him for 4-5 months but now that the restrictions are lifting her family are starting to come around again for get together's and they are very close knit (the siblings, all her children).

You're completely right, I never thought about how he might be treating the daughter behind closed doors that my friend is now aware of. I really wish she would tell her daughter or husband at least but she really is adamant that she doesn't want to open a whole can of worms and destroy her family (even though it's him who's destroyed it but she feels it will be her by speaking out) and I'm not sure if I should continue to push her to do it.

I agree with you about the cultural differences and this possibly being about that too with men v women.

Do you know the daughter at all? Maybe you could tell her. I'm not saying go behind your friends back to tell her but let your friend know you are going to approach her daughter. Tell the daughter how distraught her mother is over what has happened but didn't she know how to confront the situation without causing so much harm. You never know what he is like behind closed doors and this may be the push to give her the strength to leave him. Let the daughter decide what you do when she has all the facts.

I totally get how your friend would feel like she's destroying the family but it is 100% him that is destroying the family. Whilst the daughter may not see it at first eventually she will realise HE was the problem and not her DM. If he is being abusive to her then it may also give her the push to leave him.

No I don't know the daughter at all really other than to say hello in passing to. The daughter is actually around the same age as me so I'm not sure how much either of them would appreciate me being the one telling her.

Has your friend's husband got a temper? I'm surprised she hasn't told him

I am hoping there are no children or the daughter isn’t pregnant? I’d get your friend to speak to her ASAP so she can get out of the relationship before it gets any harder. As a daughter, I’d really want to know I’m married to a psycho who behaves like that towards my mother. I don’t think I could forgive her not telling me a few years down the line if I found myself in a shit marriage and with kids with the guy.

Yes friend's husband would definitely have a temper if he found out about this, she is worried he would go straight round and pummel the son in law and then end up in trouble himself with the police.

There are no young children involved thankfully, the daughter has a child from a previous relationship who is a teenager, they do not have any children together yet.

Me personally if I was the daughter I would want to know. It's not a good situation either way but your friends duty is to her daughter and anything that comes after that will have to be dealt with. Who know what he is like with the daughter really, this may be just the push she needs to get rid.

I'm going to put it to my friend today that basically if he's doing that to her what might he be doing/have done to her daughter behind closed doors and maybe by speaking out she could help her daughter escape a situation.

That's the only thing you can do really. It's not a good situation for anyone involved to be in but the longer she covers for him the worse it will eventually become

She can’t keep this to herself she really hasn’t got a choice she must tell her daughter & face the consequences.
Hopefully the Son in-law will pack his bags knowing that his advances have been found out & her husband will want revenge.

I can't see him leaving the country as he has a very good and secure job here but I would hope at the very least she would leave him, but since I don't know the daughter very well I have no idea who's side she would take when faced with the truth.

Oh dear - one thing for sure is that she needs to protect herself from sexual harassment (and that he's a scumbag).

Tricky, but she needs to start speaking out. For everyone's sake.