He's pushing me to the edge. I can't live like this anymore, any advice?

[FairyAndLavender]

DS is almost 3.

He's completely non verbal and doesn't understand basic instructions or a simple sentence such as 'Would you like a biscuit?' doesn't know how to get his shoes, etc.

Overall he's extremely happy but he's exhausting. From very early in the morning he hits 1000 miles an hour. Up jumping about, emptying draws, generally just ruining something before you have a chance to stop him from the last thing he's ruined. Doesn't understand 'time out' and laughs if you're stern with him He doesn't play with toys, doesn't understand imaginative play. Will just about empty and pack away the same pack of bricks, despite spending a LOT of money on different toys to interest him.

He hits, scratches me. Pulls all of my hair. I'm so fed up.

I know toddlers and young children are hard work but I can't even put a bit of telly on for him to watch whilst I sit for 5 minutes. 5 fucking minutes.

I'm 22 and it seems very clear that my life is completely over as it seems he will need constant care for the foreseeable.

My only respite was constantly getting out and about. Seeing people. But often now people can't see us anymore as they are fed up of DS, they don't say so but I know.

And to top it all off, in the last 4 weeks he won't sit in his car seat. Just gets out. Takes off the straps. I've bought a strap to help keep him in but he still gets out!

So here I am, trapped in with this all day. Can't really get out as it isn't really safe. Can't take a nice walk because he Hates it and will refuse. He will happily run the other way if you say 'I'm going then, bye'. He won't even protest. He just walks back into the direction of home within 2 minutes, literally, of coming out.

I'm so so so fed up. I feel like I'm going to have a nervous break down. Is this normal to feel like this?

Can't potty train him, he has no understanding at all and constantly tries to touch his own poo

I feel like I can't cope. But I can't leave. I look at him and feel like crying when he's sleeping. I love him beyond words but I'm so dead inside lately from it all. It's constant

He's broken so many things like a washing machine. A lot of the time you just can't stop him in time unless you're physically and literally helicopter over him 24/7, literally literally literally

Sounds horrendous 💐
You clearly need to get some support in place for him and for you.
I have no experience but I’m sure there’ll be someone along shortly to signpost agencies that can help you.
It won’t always be be like this and bless you, your life is certainly not over.

Poppet Thank you x

It's caused my marriage to break down completely. H can't handle him and gets extremely frustrated, as do I at times but I'm better at hiding it from DS...

It's just a constant fight to keep my head above water and I feel as if I'm drowning sometimes. I just can't see a way out of this (and by out of this I don't mean out of DS's life of course)

I am so sorry things are so hard for you. You desperately need some respite so you can recharge your batteries. I am assuming you are already in the process of getting your son assessed to find the cause of his difficulties. You do not need to have a diagnosis to approach a service that advises parents of children with additional needs. Contact your local authority and ask about their Local Offer. They can advise on what is available in your area, from funded childcare to benefits. Just getting some support from parents in a similar position could be valuable.

Have you been to the GP to start an assessment process.
Can you make one room into a safe space where he can play.

I have been through this. Have you tried a now and next board or visual timetable? You can buy them now on amazon. You also could start looking for groups and support. He needs to be in a nursery. I personally would start with the education aspect. Look at special schools as they sometimes have what they call assessment nurseries attached. This could mean that you end up with more hours.

Make an appointment to see your GP who will be able to signpost some agency intervention. I'd do this today because you can't go on like this. Nobody could.
Your GP can signpost an assessment intervention for your son, respite care for yourself and in some areas, a buddy system where you can access one on one support a bit like a 'rent a gran', initiative.

He's been diagnosed as 'probably autistic'. The process started 18 months ago. We spoke to the paediatrician recently and he said he can't diagnose properly until he sees him in person. Perfectly understandable. He was able to say probably autistic because of the extensive reports from speech and language, health visitor, nursey... Me, family

I've just been awarded DLA for him which is fantastic, we found it very easy to get in the end.

He's a gorgeous boy and so happy within himself, he doesn't seem to know he's hurting me or wrecking everything! I keep on top of it all but the cracks are beginning to show. I feel a constant knot in my stomach and I wake up with dread. It's horrendous, I'm exhausted. I feel a lot of guilt too, when I'm not too busy feeling sad

I worked PT before Covid but got made redundant. Supposedly starting a new job very soon but they're dragging their heels with the DBS and I need to give his nursery an answer soon with regards to hours when he returns. Or I miss out, and it'll be hard finding something else around here.

It's just all such a fight. Fight fight fight. Push for this, push for that. I'm fed up and wish I could sleep for a week

Only practical suggestion is reins to stop him running off, a push chair he can't escape from, a car seat he can't escape from.

With the car seat you need the straps super tight - take his jumper off etc. I had to use an extra chest strap else DD slipped her shoulders out as she was incredibly slender.

I would speak to HV and state how badly you are struggling and Social Services, you need to be very honest and say you aren't coping and you need respite. Eventually you may have to threaten signing him over to SS to get any though

I would speak to HV and state how badly you are struggling and Social Services, you need to be very honest and say you aren't coping and you need respite. Eventually you may have to threaten signing him over to SS to get any though angry

What do you mean by respite? What would they do so I can have that? Telling them I'm so fed up that I'm willing to sign him over just sends shivers down me. I couldn't. I just couldn't even say the words. He's still breastfed and our relationship is very close, despite the difficulties. I lost my daughter in October too and the thought of saying aloud to someone that I want to sign him over makes me want to sob

Sorry for waffling on, I'm very confused and emotional today

By 'I lost my daughter' I don't mean she was signed over. She died, premature birth

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.. your son who obviously needs a lot of care and help, the breakdown of your marriage and the death of your daughter.

Respite is not handing your child over, it is getting some time away while he is scared for. Usually a short period of time. No intention for it to ever become long term.

Good luck with the job.

Speak to a health visitor and see what help they can give you.

I am so sorry, for what it's worth you sound like a fantastic mum who is in a really really difficult situation.

I would put him in nursery, even if you haven't started work yet, just for the time out.

I would go back to your GP and be really clear that you are struggling and ask what support is available in your area. Follow every potential line of support.

Right now it feels like you are having to push and fight but once you get some support things will be easier.

Do you have any family or friends that could help? You might just need to be really honest, I know I have a habit of just saying I'm fine and covering it up but if you actually tell people they are normally better than you expect!!

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter.

Respite is not handing your child over, it is getting some time away while he is scared for. Usually a short period of time. No intention for it to ever become long term

Thank you for your reply. I know it isn't handing him over like he needs to be taken in a 'safeguarding' way but I was saying about it being with SS involvement because a poster previously said I may have to threaten to sign him over for any help to be awarded. That bit is what puts a lump in my throat.

Off topic but It's awful because I don't want to toot my own horn, but I think I do a very good job for my son I'm there for him always, never an issue if he needs me. I do it all. I ensure he has every available opportunity. He goes to swimming, is doing private lessons for it because it's something he loves (only thing 'normal' he likes!). I make sure he does on endless trips, apps, farms, parks, shopping, trampolining. Most of it isn't met with any happiness from him and he is upset by most of it. But I try, keep on trying. In the hope one day he might enjoy one of these things.

H tells me to stop. Just don't bother. But I reply immediately that we just can't give up, ever. I refuse to give up on my son.

However I know of course respite would be amazing and I will see about asking my HV. We speak a lot and she hasn't suggested it before, but perhaps that's because she's always telling me how wonderfully I'm going... Perhaps I'm putting on a brave face far too much, to my own detriment.

My family live 60 miles away but they're besotted by DS. They can't have him alone though, they don't know what to do with him after half an hour best. He's very destructive without meaning to be

H's family love him too but again, they can't have him really. It's not like having all of MIL's other grandchildren... Who are naughty but are neurotypical, so a lot of textbook stuff works. They're interested in characters, toys, games, little treats and rewards. My son is oblivious to mostly all of it

Which level of DLA do you have for him? Have you looked into the short breaks service? It'll be on your local authority website. It'll involve getting involved with disability social care which is a good thing. There will be respite and also possibly a personal budget for suitable activities.
On a practical note can you ask for a referral to wheelchair services? It's a bit of a postcode lottery but in good areas you'll be assessed for a suitable secure buggy to prevent bolting off.
And while you're not working or working PT are you receiving carer's allowance? Very easy to apply for now you have DLA.

Sorry about your DD

SS can provide respite, but they won't because of funding. You need to be on your knees - basically you need to pretend you are at that point to get the respite you need to not get to that point.

Sounds insane I know.

If you created a "safe room" where he couldn't damage anything or himself would your family be able to look after him for a couple of hours so you can leave the house or go and sleep?

Sending hugs and sympathy op.
Any toddler is hard but this sounds beyond the galaxy of hard.
Re the toys can you simply remove everything bar the one thing he likes to pull out. Minimise and get ahead of him.

I also sympathise re car straps, my dd wouldn't be strapped into anything either!!

Is some of his frustration language based? Does he have a speech therapist? My DD is nearly 3 and largely non verbal but she has taken to makaton signing well and this helps her communicate at least a few things. If he receives the middle or higher rate of dla you can claim carers allowance too. There may be a local autism group too with someone you can talk to for support. My DD has Down Syndrome and I have found these groups invaluable. I’m sure they will still be offering virtual support at this time.

Right, the minute I started reading your post I thought 'autism" so it's good to see that people in the know seem to agree.

Get books about autism.. one or more of these if you can I suggest the Core Challenges one first

In the meantime if you are on facebook (and I'd sign up just for this page) start reading this page

He is the same writer for the books I suggested, and just knows autism so well.

Start treating your son like he has autism, and put in place things that will help him cope. His behaviour is telling you something, and you need to look beyond it to help him.

It's hard, I know but once you start to find things that help, it will get better.

Also, in regards to your post about activities, if he IS autistic, he may well find doing things all the time overwhelming. Kids don't need to be "activity-ed" up to the eyeballs, and down time, and even time being bored is as essential as activities.

You will find out what he likes from him.. pushing will have a detrimental affect on him.

If he has a passion, use it as much as you can in every way! And the main thing... easier said than done. Try not to stress, he will sense it, and if his "person" is stressed, he will feel unsafe and panicked. As much as you can, stay calm, and focus on helping him. Meltdown later!

Sorry I can't reply to every username but will summarise my replies, thank you all so much -

He doesn't play with toys so the stuff he pulls out is stuff that I can't put anywhere else (I'm extremely minimalist anyway) and it's never toys. All household items or clothes I wouldn't mind toys at all

He isn't having a good time with Makaton or picture exchange. He just doesn't seem to get it, not because he's even trying... He just doesn't acknowledge its there if that makes sense? He won't look my way. And you often feel like a ghost, he will act as if you aren't even in the room, let alone respond to any phsycial gestures or sign language. He won't look at something if I ask him to. Won't respond to pointing

I was a part of a GREAT Facebook page for parents who's children had autism but I was banned! I don't know for sure but I think I can guess... Basically this woman asked about having another baby when her current DC is autistic. She wanted to know how others would respond to the situation in her shoes. I was very kind, said only she could decide with her OH, in my wording but said I would terminate any additional pregnancies if my child had such high needs... I was then banned that evening. I miss that group. Tried messaging the mods but they've ignored me.

Lastly, I've made it sound like a push him to every activity under the sun constantly. I promise I don't. It's only once a week or so that we try something that's suppose to be fun for children. We do swim twice a week, sometimes more, but that's because he's besotted by the water and is just so so happy swimming

You sound like you are doing everything you can for him, you are doing so well. I guess all you can do is persevere. Setting up a quiet room and sensory things as someone suggested sounds a good idea. It really sounds like you need some support too as you don’t have much family help, I’d try and find another group or another mum you can chat to in the same situation as you. I hope it gets better for you x

Would he play with water in your garden?

Like an inch in the bottom of a paddling pool - obviously still needs to be supervised but if his obsession is water that may occupy him so you can just sit and watch him?

Random No. He's a bloody nightmare. He absolutely insists on tipping it all out and expects me to refill it again.

He won't have it, can't just play with it nicely. Gets excited to have it out and then makes it his life mission to tip it over

I think this is another frustration of mine. You think you've found an answer here and there, for DS to just prove you wrong

A relative has an autistic child similar to yours. She was diagnosed at two and immediately the fight began to get her the support she needed (not resident in UK). She had to go to court over it but now her child is in a great school for autistic kids and gets loads of one to one therapy. She is still very challenging, has health issues too, and now she is nearing adolescence. She did learn to use the toilet which was a huge help.
If your child is autistic you just have to give up any idea that he will behave and develop like a non autistic child. You need to get the diagnosis as soon as possible though. Push for it - you have to become the biggest advocate for your child.

Give him a toddler watering can to fill it up with?

He can put one in and tip it out...