DH - please talk me down

[OhToBeASeahorse]

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

He is driving me to fucking distraction.
I posted a couple of weeks ago about stupid decisions he has made - just general household stuff but stuff that makes life harder if you see what I mean.
We have building work going on. We have a 2 year old, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and I'm asthmatic. I'm trying to keep the dust at bay. DH seems just oblivious to it. He's left boxes of open stuff in the main building areas. He's left doors open so the dust has spread more than it needed to.

We have 2 hoovers- but we have had to disconnect the charger for the Dyson so that's died and I cant find the attachments for our other one. I hate being in the house.

On friday i had a bath while he did dinner. He came up to say he would get a chippy because the oven was broken. I came down to see that there had been a power cut and you need to reset the clock before the oven works. We have lived here for 3 years. How doesn't he know that.

A mirror fell from a wall and landed on a mantelpiece. It was cracked and broken in the corners. I asked him to clear it up. He said he would rehang it as it was because it looked fine. Wtf?! I explained AGAIN that it was broken. So he takes it off and puts it ON OUR BED to have a look.

I've just picked up shards of glass from floor.

I was stressed this morning and he said 'I'm getting tired of hearing the dust refrain'.

I've fucking had enough today.

And "he feels like I'm crticising him a lot" .

Like you want to be put in this position of being the bad guy . Ask him how he would like you to approach things /what would he do if positions were reversed .

Though why I'm suggesting that I don't know .Mine would just go silent and walk out the room .

How did he react ? Something along the lines of "oh ,ok then ."

Terrific.

I remember your other thread not sure if he's just gormless, actively selfish or inconsiderate? Yabu though. I'd have the fucking rage

I've literally asked him the same.question almost word for word!!!

He says he just doesnt see things in the same.way as I do so he doesnt spot the problems.

I do have very high standards so I'm aware im poor at cutting people slack. It's difficult to know where the line is.

He isnt an arsehole. But he is fucking exhausting.

Is it possible he has ADHD? My DH was only diagnosed aged 41 and suddenly a lot of things made sense. Poor executive functioning and sensitivity to criticism are hallmarks, along with an inability to cope amid chaos.

I was just reading the rest of the thread thinking it sounds exhausting! It's exhausting because yiu have to deal with the fall out of lack of thought from him, kind of parent him and as it must be unbelievable frustrating to reason with him. The not seeing things the same is rage inducing! As yes this is a thing but then I'd say 99% of people would understand yiu don't want a broken mirror up on the wall! Just seems like he's making no effort to understand your point of view and actually it's perfectly understandable why people do things like minimise mess from building work when the have a young child. Has he always been like this?

He has had his moments. He used to be much more argumentative but counselling really helped that.

Sometimes he is so able and other times I think I'm on some sort of game show.

I dont think ADHD fits because he has a high powered job but maybe I'm wrong?

We do operate on different platforms I think.

When lockdown started we were washing our shopping (god was that a ball ache) and he just couldn't seem to grasp the logical order to do things in - like.he would put unwashed stuff with washed or wash his hands first, put all te shopping away then eat something.

It sounds pretty but I just couldnt understand.how.he couldn't grasp the logical.order to keep stuff clean. And then that makes me more hyper aware so I pick up on stuff more.

I understand what you mean with the shopping as an example. If its not just a lack of intelligence I do wonder about what is going on with him. In the situation with the shopping do you think he genuinely didn't get it or just couldn't be bothered? I wonder if things like this take a bit more effort for him if he just doesn't bother at times. Still equally reage inducing.

Being really good at a high powered job actually fits very closely with ADD. When you have ADD you can hyper focus on a couple of things that you are interested in and everything else just becomes a blur of unimportant. How is he if he drinks a coke or has a strong coffee, the treatment for ADD is stimulants so that the brain can focus on the lesser stuff as well as the important stuff. Caffeine often can help a little bit.

Interesting. I've said before that I think something is going on. Like i showed him a silly meme on facebook the other day and he just didn't get it at all, I had to seriously spell it out.

This is a man who turned down Oxford, highest 1st in his year, PhD, barrister... so he CAN turn it on.

I think if something isnt important to him he doesn't give it brain space. Like he would always remember my birthday and buy me very thoughtful presents, but I have to remind him of his family's.

Thanks by the way - this has been really helpful rather than the automatic 'leave him'

put a couple of robovacs on HIS credit card

Honestly he wouldnt mind at all!

Agree with the boy vacuums. Lifesavers. We got some neatos and haven't looked back since.

But if it's any consolation OP, my husband came into the bathroom while I was in the bath to ask for my help putting frozen stuff in the freezer. I cut my bubble bath short and went downstairs only to see the chest freezer lid ajar, because he'd just bunged stuff in instead of actually sorting through and putting stuff in order and he just stood behind me and watched.

Then when I said I was getting back in the bath, had the cheek to say "ugh, really".

He does the same thing with shelf food items. We've got about 20 snack cupboards, where we should have at most one, because he just shoves stuff where ever he sees a space. Because the door shuts though, he just does not see a problem.

Except when I'm looking for a tin of beans in the tin cupboard and they're actually at the top of the crockery cupboard.

It could be ADHD. Whatever it is, he needs to really truly understand that this is not just you being picky. He is acting as though he doesn't care about you and the children at all. Either that's actually true, and he can fuck off now, or it isn't true, in which case it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to address and fix this, otherwise actually, he doesnt care enough. If he cares enough,he'd care enough to fix it. You need to make it very plain you are at breaking point, you are not being unreasonable, and you are not prepared to put up with his un-loving, un- caring and frankly dangerous attitude any longer. You need to feel safe and comfortable in your home, and he is making that impossible. He needs to do something about it, as only he is able to.

“I think if something isnt important to him he doesn't give it brain space. Like he would always remember my birthday and buy me very thoughtful presents, but I have to remind him of his family's.”

😂 do me a favour! He remembers yours because he can’t outsource it to anyone else (I.e YOU). Suddenly when it’s a task you can do for him he becomes suddenly incompetent... interesting that.

No, he doesnt outsource it at all. I dont do his family's birthdays. If he forgets then he forgets.