Advice for a drowning mum please

[BeccaM91]

Hi everyone,

Please bare with the long post, I think I’ve been bottling it all for four years.

I’m a very proud mum to a 4 and 2 year old who I love to bits. Both have been terrible sleepers, the 2 year old being worse with constant teething. Before becoming a mum I really thought that I would take to it like a duck to water but instead I just feel like I’m drowning.

Both of my children are lovely and happy but are difficult. My two year old has the usual tantrums and my four year old just does not listen at all. I guess what I’m asking for is for any tactics for dealing with that kind of behaviour. I am not a patient mother despite trying my best and shout far more than I am proud of but sometimes after giving warnings and threats there’s just nowhere else to go and I’m worried that I’m damaging my children. My four year old has started to get really aggressive when he’s cross with his sibling and growls and shouts which I know he’s picked up from me (the shouting) He’s also started saying whenever I tell him off ‘oh I’m just stupid/I’m just a horrible boy/I hate myself’ NONE of which I have called him or said to him but he doesn’t say where it’s come from and I know his dad doesn’t talk to him like that.

I know this is a rambled thread but I’m kind of asking for advice and solidarity. I’m trying to be better and read books and advice but I just feel like I’m failing at every turn and I don’t know how to fix it. How do I discipline a child who doesn’t listen without shouting?

He’s about to go to school and I feel like I could have just done so much better than I have and it’s really making me feel sad.

Thank you xxx

Both my DSs (7 and 4) had occasionally violent outbreaks at 4ish (DS2 still does). I read ‘How to Talk so Kids Listen’ (as recommended here) and that gave me a few useful tricks. I’ve also found that different things motivate my DSs (DS1 it’s the threat of losing screen time, DS2 it’s more about can he show me how good he is).

School, I fretted enormously with DS1 but never (yet!) had an issue. DS2 I’m more relaxed as a result.

I haven't got a lot of advice for you but just wanted to say that my DS went through a similar phase of saying things like "I hate myself" "you don't love me anymore do you" etc when he was in trouble and I realised that he had found a way to manipulate the situation as I would always be nice and reassure him when he said something like that instead of concentrating on the bad behaviour. Try to just say unemotionally "you know that's not true" or something like that and then carry on addressing whatever he has done wrong.

Screen time bans worked for my DS to help with behaviour, but I'm sure your DS will grow out of his shouting/growing he's at the age where he's still learning how to control his emotions.

Thank you so much for your responses. I do ban screen time which gets a massive reaction and causes a bigger argument than what we’ve been dealing with but I do follow through with it.

I think he has learnt that I react when he says those things so I’ll try not to engage with it instead. I’ll check out that book also.

Thank you so much xxx

I found "Raising Happy Children" by Parker and Simpson amazing. It is put if publication now but copies are available e.g. www.ebay.co.uk/p/90681097?iid=362535752334&chn=ps&norover=1&mkevt=1&mkrid=710-134428-41853-0&mkcid=2&itemid=362535752334&targetid=938486033020&device=m&mktype=pla&googleloc=1007228&poi=&campaignid=10195652396&mkgroupid=107296306052&rlsatarget=pla-938486033020&abcId=1145987&merchantid=137597101&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIwNr2o-a86wIVj-J3Ch3lWwYuEAQYAiABEgK3XvD_BwE
It is a calm, easy to follow book, bite size bits to read and the skills apply to all ages.
In the meantime, practice counting to 10, picking your battles and try to find nice stuff to praise your children for. Be specific with your praise, so not just "you are a good boy" but "thank you for picking up the baby's toy, that was kind and helped me too". And try and carve at some time just for you.