Is this manipulation and does it have a name?

[Fancy1993]

A relative is often very indirect in what she’s trying to say. Examples being -

‘Are you not desperate to get some time to yourselves? I was so desperate to have an afternoon to myself after baby was born. I was so grateful to anyone who offered to have my child’ this was when our baby was 2 days old and we knew the relative was wanting time alone with the baby. The same hinting happened in various forms at every subsequent visit.

‘It’s so important for older people to spend time with little children. It helps old people so much. I’m so glad I could do that for my mother. She got such joy from her GC’ when the relative is obviously feeling anxious about the amount of contact she has with our child.

‘I’m so glad my mum could be nursed by her children in her last years. How awful to go to a care home just because you’re old. Instead she was surrounded by love and every child did their part in loving her until the end.’ Said to one of her children.

None of these sound like a big deal, but this kind of indirect communication (and more!) happens every time we see this relative. Is it manipulative or is it just that she lacks the confidence to say what she means - ‘I would love to look after the baby for an afternoon’ ‘I feel really anxious about how little I see GC. Can we see you more often?’ ‘I feel really anxious about growing old.’

I don’t know whether to respond to the quite obvious subtext or just keep going ‘yeah, that’s lovely’?

Passive aggressive manipulation?

Is it manipulative or is it just that she lacks the confidence to say what she means

Could be either. Either way I hate it when people constantly drop hints instead of just saying what they mean. Even if it's really due to a lack of confidence, it can certainly come across as manipulative.

@AdaColeman every time I read about that it sounds a lot more overt. Like ‘I’ve done so much for you...’ this is so much more subtle and I don’t seem to find information on it anywhere

Tricky. It depends on the person really and their personality and motives.

My MIL is the eternal victim and loves to employ these tactics to make everyone feel sorry for her and run around after her. She is a very manipulative and selfish person, in which case I'd pretend not to understand the subtext and gloss over/agree with her.

I know other people though who are just too scared to say what it is they want becasue they're afraid of rejection, I suppose. I find it a bit irritating, but if they're a nice person I make the offer or open up the conversation.

What it boils down to is how much you like the person and what you think their motives are!

And yes, it is definitely manipulation of a sort. Even the ones who are doing it from a place of inconfidence are trying to manipulate you into offering something they want!

Isn't just a generational thing? It used to be very frowned upon for a women to talk directly.

I think it's just someone that for whatever reason can't/won't express their needs directly. If it's annoying you or you feel manipulated, tackle it. If she hints about having the child, be blunt and say 'are you asking to look after x?' or 'if you'd like to look after x for an afternoon just let me know'.

If you think it's more a lack of confidence, you could gently try to encourage them to state their needs/wants a bit more directly, over time they may feel more comfortable doing so without all the hinting. If they're asking ridiculous things though, you may just be best off glossing over it...

I wouldn’t say she lacks confidence in other areas. She’s very happy creating a scene in a coffee shop if she’s not happy with the service...but then that confidence is perhaps different to confidence you feel in a family.

That’s interesting @Cam2020 as she certainly projects this idea that she’s a victim. Lots of sad glances, sad eyes, longing looks and her partner is always trying to make sure she isn’t feeling sad or put out. It’s just hard to know if it’s straightforward manipulation or she’s just a confused character.