Does anyone still co-sleep with their school aged child?

[itustiime]

DS is only 3 but I'm aware school is only a year away. We've always shared a bed (we both sleep better that way but it's also culturally normal for me)

Do I need to have him sleeping on his own by school age?

I’m guessing maybe other people who think like us may not be contributing to the thread though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why wouldn't they be though? Isn't it more likely that most people just don't think like you?

@JingsMahBucket I (personally) wouldn’t want any extended cosleeping with my children. I only cosleep while breastfeeding because the alternative is no sleep. It’s purely pragmatic.

I’d much rather have my bed for just DH and I but, right now, that’s not happening. It will.

But I also recognise that other people feel differently about cosleeping with their children. Culturally lots of people choose to sleep with their children rather than have them sleep alone. I don’t see any reason to assume that British/western cultural norms (or, as many people discover, ideals that don’t match up with reality in their family) that prioritise independent sleeping in a separate room are inherently better for children (or families) though.

I am going to say something different, which is this is you sleeping in your child’s bed, not the other way around as most people are writing about. You are putting him in a position he has to tell you not to. And many kids will find that hard,

I would sleep in your own bed. And see if he asks you to sleep with him. And I’d start doing nights more often in your own bed, to see if he keeps wanting it,

Everyone is saying it’s fine if he has his own space. The issue here is he doesn’t, you’ve basically made his bedroom yours, so he has no bed that is just his,

As long as YOU are getting enough sleep to function and are still enjoying this situation then it's fine. My dd coslept until 2.5 and we're still in and out of each other's beds a few months on.

I'd start to worry a little around age 11, but 3, 4, 5 is so tiny!

@Bluntness100

I am going to say something different, which is this is you sleeping in your child’s bed, not the other way around as most people are writing about. You are putting him in a position he has to tell you not to. And many kids will find that hard,

I would sleep in your own bed. And see if he asks you to sleep with him. And I’d start doing nights more often in your own bed, to see if he keeps wanting it,

Everyone is saying it’s fine if he has his own space. The issue here is he doesn’t, you’ve basically made his bedroom yours, so he has no bed that is just his,

Actually, I agree with this. I was coming at it as a co-sleeping in the adult bed pov.

How did your toddlers/ kids cope with sleepovers with grandparents? What age did it work? Did they have to co sleep too? Asking because I’m still cosleeping with my toddler, haven’t had a night off!

@Bluntness100

I am going to say something different, which is this is you sleeping in your child’s bed, not the other way around as most people are writing about. You are putting him in a position he has to tell you not to. And many kids will find that hard,

I would sleep in your own bed. And see if he asks you to sleep with him. And I’d start doing nights more often in your own bed, to see if he keeps wanting it,

Everyone is saying it’s fine if he has his own space. The issue here is he doesn’t, you’ve basically made his bedroom yours, so he has no bed that is just his,

That's what I said and I agree 100%.

I think it's okay (ish) up until 4 or 5. But past that I find it increasingly weird, and past the age of 10 is really weird.

I find it odd that as a mum, you spend all day with your kids then go to bed with them as well! I need just a little of my own space to read, relax & chat to my OH when he comes to bed (I usually go up before him and listen to podcasts, read etc). Otherwise I would be frazzled & feel claustrophobic.

I think it enables the kids to rule the roost & become dependent on having you around 24/7. Which is obviously fine and understandable for younger children, but surely by the age of 10/11 you should be able to spend the night in your own room? Its part of growing up a little. Its not like you're booting them out to live down the road.

@StinkySaurus my daughter spent her first night with her grandparents the other week. She went down at 7ish (in the cot) and slept all night! Didnt wake up once. It's times like that I'm pleased I put the effort into her sleeping independently, although the primary reason was safety as co sleeping with babies is dangerous.

When you say really weird, what do you actually mean by that? I mean you say you like that time to have a chat and spend time with your DP etc and that's a valid preference obviously but you don't really explain what you find "weird" about others choosing to do differently according to they and their child's preferences. What are your concerns? What makes it so weird?

@YgritteSnow

That it makes the parent/child relationship too codependent. Independence starts with small steps, like going to school and sleeping in your own bedroom. When I was an early teen I loved having my own room to chill out in, text friends late into the night (yeah, I know that's not a good thing!) and have undisturbed lie ins. I wouldve hated sleeping in a bed with 3 other people, particularly in the summer when it is all clammy and gross. I think it encourages neediness and infantilisation.

I’m curious to know if you go to bed at the same time as a four year old or do they fall asleep in your/their bed and you join them later?

Oh, I see you are the mother of one very young child, is that right? It's very early days @Wolfgirrl. I hope things continue to go smoothly for you. It's great when you have an easy cooperative baby. I have so many friends who thought they'd cracked it very early on but lived to regret how smug they'd been.

I think the problem I have with your posts is you seem so sure that your way is the only way and if people aren't doing it your way then they're weird or it's all very problematic. It's a very rigid and not particularly healthy way of thinking to my mind and I sometimes wonder just how ready people who think this way are for the inevitable cow pats in life that come to us all. I, for example, never imagined my children would turn out to be autistic and one would never be able to attend school and would have to home educated and tutored at home 🤷‍♀️. I thought things were going great until he started nursery and the world as I knew it as a parent imploded.

I hope things continue to go so smoothly for you but I do find that usually we are all tested as parents and it's best not to be too judgmental of others and how they choose to parent. I actually think it's pretty mean to keep telling other parents that they're "weird" tbh, just because they're doing things differently to you and I do think you're doing it purposely to provoke, but whatever floats your boat I guess.

I have a friend whose 15 year old daughter still sleeps in her bed all week when the mum’s boyfriend isn’t staying over. She hates sleeping in her own bed.
A couple of years ago when the boyfriend was first staying over, the daughter had woken in the night and squeezed in between them, freaking the guy out (he ran off to sleep on the sofa).
I think they are quite enmeshed.

@YgritteSnow

I'm aware my views are bit marmite, and I probably dont mince my words as much as most people. I never set out to upset people, I just enjoy posting my views and reading the views of others, which is what these forums are for arent they?

As for the cow pats of life, none of us know what the future holds. I'm not too proud to admit I'm wrong or change my mind in future.

I do understand what some are saying about me being in his bed. I get the concerns. But he's actually very confident in asking me for what he needs, we've spoken openly about it and I check in frequently to see if he wants his room without me, he doesn't (he says "not yet mummy, when I'm bigger")

I wonder how many of these situations benefit the adult more than the child!

DS2 falls asleep in his own bed, but crawls into mine during the night often. It was almost every night from age 3 - 5, then gradually reduced until it was only once every couple of weeks. However, since lockdown began and school ended he has ended up in my bed again a few nights a week.

I don't mind, he falls asleep again straight away and he doesn't snore or hog the bed. It's quite nice when he snuggles up with me, but I've tried to encourage him to sleep in his own bed when possible before as he manages just fine at his Dad's house two nights a week. I've not discouraged it lately though as it has been a strange, scary time for most children this year and he's coped admirably otherwise. It's not doing any harm, spending hours each night persuading an upset child to sleep alone would drive us both up the wall though.

To add - DS1 was similar to DS2 and crept into my bed often until 8 or 9. He's definitely not too enmeshed or codependent - at almost 15 he'd be pretty horrified at the idea of sharing a bed with me now! Never did either of us any harm and meant I've had a hel of a lot more sleep over the years than I would have done otherwise (vital when DS2 was the worst sleeping baby and toddler EVER).

@StinkySaurus

How did your toddlers/ kids cope with sleepovers with grandparents? What age did it work? Did they have to co sleep too? Asking because I’m still cosleeping with my toddler, haven’t had a night off!

We never did sleepovers with grandparents as they live too far away. But DS2 sleeps in his own bed at his dad's house. It takes him ages to get to sleep there, but he's fine once he's actually asleep. I imagine he'd be the same at grandparents.

[quote Wolfgirrl]@StinkySaurus my daughter spent her first night with her grandparents the other week. She went down at 7ish (in the cot) and slept all night! Didnt wake up once. It's times like that I'm pleased I put the effort into her sleeping independently, although the primary reason was safety as co sleeping with babies is dangerous.[/quote]
Cosleeping with babies is not dangerous as long as you are sensible

@AllBellyandBoobs

The NHS advises you not to

DD is 7 and regularly comes into our bed v early in the morning, or earlier if something wakes her
If she’s feeling unsettled, or ill, she’ll sleep with us from the outset
She’s happy and sassy and independent, it definitely hasn’t had a negative impact on her

[quote Wolfgirrl]@AllBellyandBoobs

The NHS advises you not to[/quote]
The NHS does a blanket 'the general public is thick'. Co sleeping is perfectly safe with babies as long as it's done safely.

Your normal is your normal. I personally dont understand bed sharing with another adult but don't judge them for it. I wish I'd got my own room sooner me. Seems mad I didn't before just because it's the 'done thing'.

I was advised how to co-sleep safely by NHS midwives.