Help! Am I being unreasonable?

[SL891]

Hi,

I am feeling SO frustrated.

I have been with my partner for 9 years, we have two boys.

We get on really well but whenever things get stressful, he goes to the pub. Sometimes he will be gone three hours or sometimes most of the night. It doesn’t bother me him going out but when I make him dinner and he doesn’t answer his phone or come back and I get mad. He doesn’t take a key either, so wakes me up early hours and doesn’t reply to my messages and says his phone ran out of battery.

He’s been going to the the pub 3/4 times as week lately and I understand he works super hard and long hours but feel that doesn’t justify going to the pub so often. He makes me feel like I’m nagging and says other men go to the pub this often.

The children then ask “where is dad” and I have to say he’s popped to the shop. Then it gets to their bedtime and he’s still not home.

I’ve threatened to leave him before as said it’s unfair but I never do in the end as then feel I’m overreacting.

I also say I don’t deserve this and I will find someone who doesn’t treat me like this. His response is “go on then”

Don’t get me wrong, I can be grumpy and hormonal but I never would go out and do that.
Other than this issue, I love him and we are great together.

Help? Am I being over the top?

He’s an alcoholic. And you should tell your kids the truth, he’s at the pub with his mates.

You’re not over the top. You’re right that you should leave him. Not threaten to then cave, but actually leave him.

Can your family afford his excessive drinking? Why doesn’t he take a key? Do you work?

Take the kids and go and spend a week with your family to think about what you would like to do. You cannot spend your life with someone who behaves like this.

He sounds like a problem drinker at best, already an alcoholic at worst. He's stressed? Poor baby. Where do you fit in in all this? Do your needs mean absolutely nothing to him? Obviously, they don't. He clearly thinks it's acceptable to toss aside his family for the sake of his own pleasure. Fuck that and fuck him. He's selfish and a disgrace of a man. You can do far better.

Hi,

Thank you.

Yes I work at the children’s school. Not a great wage. He brings in most of the money. I suppose I would have to claim help if I was to be alone.

I know I need to man up but I think it’s the fear of being a lone parent and breaking away.

I know I need to man up but I think it’s the fear of being a lone parent and breaking away.

You already are a lone parent. He has checked out.

Been there my love, it is very hard. Unfortunately how I read it is that actually you know the answers and that you're not being over the top, it's just that's a very stark reality and you might not be ready for it.

It doesn't mean he's an awful bloke or anything, but there are issues he's not willing to address with you, so you gotta keep trying and figure it all out x

Just saw your latest answer, you are alone. Being single would mean you don't have the added stress of him doing exactly what he pleases every day?

He makes me feel like I’m nagging and says other men go to the pub this often.

This is bollocks.

Stop accepting his lack of respect and actually leave him.

Thank you all for you kind words.

I think the hard thing is addressing it all as normally he’s a great partner and dad but i feel I keep making excuses for him.

I know deep down it’s not right and he’s always saying “sorry”

I told him I’m bored of that word.

I’ve threatened him so many times that I’ll leave but never so so that’s probably why he thinks it’s acceptable.

My main concern is the upset it will cause the children, especially the eldest (10) but I also know this situation is good either.

If 2020 has taught us anything, it's that we're pretty adaptable, kids included. To be brave is to be vulnerable, your time will come, just gotta own how you feel and know what you can and cant accept x

Have you tried going out 3 nights a week, not answer your phone or take a key? Maybe give it a try and see how he likes it.

He isn't going to change. And this is no way for you, or the kids, to live. You don't want your children to grow up thinking that it is normal for the father to check out of family life in this way.

How you feeling this morning OP? X

Hi,

Thanks for asking.

Pretty shit, he came home late, I let him him in and went straight to bed. He slept downstairs. He’s sorry this morning and said I was being unreasonable and miserable to be around last night. He said he will take me out today to make up for it. I told him I wasn’t interested.

Can he take the kids out today (all day) so that you get a day to yourself?

He's sorry but you're unreasonable? Hardly sorry is it? Just deflecting his behaviour!

You'll get there OP, keep working through it xxx

Wouldn’t mind about him going out, if I got equal chances to see friends or whatever, but waking you up to let him in and not telling you he won’t want dinner is just plain rude! Is there any reason that a grown man can’t keep a key in his pocket?