Just posting here in the hopes that someone has gone through similar and come out the other side.
I have gone threw a lot of upheaval in my life over the past 2-3 years. I had a year long relationship which ended out the blue. An issue came up in his life and he just cut me out and that was it. He said in a text that we were done and that was it until 6 months later he got in contact and said how stupid he had been. I gave him another chance and he went from wanting to book a weekend away together to going completely cold on me so basically he hurt me twice. I take full responsibility for the second time as I should never have given him a second chance.
Another issue in my life is my mother. I believe she may be bi-polar and at times I think her behaviour doesn’t effect me as I’ve come to accept and expect it but it has obviously given me major issues. I was always told I wasn’t good enough, I’ve no friends, people laugh at me behind my back, I look awful, I’m a disgrace and can’t do anything right. She would have regular episodes where I’d be accused of lying about the smallest of things such as saying I got my hair cut when she didn’t think I did etc. My brother and dad are all aware of this and she is similar towards them but I seem to have gotten the brunt of it. I have tried every approach with her, being kind and patient, ignoring and keeping things to small talk and while for 10 months of the year she could be great towards me, the other 2 months can be horrific.
I know this has left me with a lack of confidence and while I know deep down I am a nice person and have great friends and a good job, sometimes I never feel good enough.
I also had a bullying case in work where another girl made my life a misery for nearly a year. She also behaved terribly towards others with aggressive behaviour, slamming doors and shouting but she attacked me from a personal point of view saying I was a horrible person and she couldn’t understand how I ever qualified and other similar comments. In the end she got let go as everyone saw through her behaviour but the whole thing nearly broke me. I am still in the job but feel I need new challenges and opportunities to maybe go for promotion as I can’t do that where I am employed currently. I want to apply for jobs but part of me is terrified nobody will like me and there will be another person like her who will be horrible. The rational side of me knows there can be horrible people in every walk of life and we need to learn how to deal with them better but as my confidence is so low I blame myself for anything that happens me. When I do something wrong even the smallest thing, in my head I’m calling myself stupid and maybe my mother and the bully are right.
I’m not like this all the time and I still manage a normal life meeting friends and doing my hobbies. I’m a friendly person and talking to new people doesn’t phase me. Im actually someone a lot of friends confide in for advice on situations and they’d have no idea I get like this. I guess I’m writing here because I did something completely stupid that ruined a potential relationship/dating with a guy that seemed really nice. I told him I’d confirm if meeting a day this week worked for me and I did. I heard nothing back for hours but he had been online. So I texted that I’d take the lack of reply as a no and it was no bother I just wished he’d let me know sooner. Turns out he was working and he’s not in a job where you can be on your phone so he didn’t have time to text back. He said I was completely unfair and I wrote back the next morning apologising and that I was 100% in the wrong and I didn’t know what came over me. He never replied and I don’t blame him.
I just feel like there’s something wrong with me as 99% of the time I live a normal life but then I do stuff like I did with this guy and I know it’s not normal. I also know that deep down it doesn’t matter if he didn’t want to see me again we’d only met twice but then why did I react so badly.
I feel like it’s a form of anxiety in some ways but can you only be anxious in certain areas? I would happily walk into a room of people I don’t know and talk to them. I’ve no problems socially and I went on holidays on my own last year and enjoyed myself.