I think I’m loosing the plot. I’ll try to be brief. I’m senior clinical NHS employee who works shifts, married 10 years, 2 DC 8&6. Marriage has been difficult. Lived in London until last year when we escaped to the country, where we hoped that having some family support would help our marriage. Plan was always the DH would commute to London and 3 days a week, although obviously hasn’t been doing this since March and is unlikely to have to do more than 2 days a week in London when his office eventually goes back. Shortly after we moved a perfect, but temporary, job in my field came up locally, and I applied and got it. Prior to moving my mum had agreed that she would cover our childcare. This has not worked out as straightforward as it would first appear, and on more than one occasion she has left me with no childcare (with reasonable notice, but we really don’t know anyone else to ask, so have had to use emergency nanny services, which I really don’t think is good for DC). DM has always been fairly disapproving of our use of nannys (or perhaps its just me going to work at all that she disapproves of) and seemed to want to spend extra time with DC. In reality it was 2-3 school drop offs/pick ups/week and keeping them after school until 6pm up to twice a week. DC’s new school has been awful, and for reasons that would be very outing, we really aren’t in a position to move them. I’m having real anxiety issues about them going back. We bought a house which we absolutely hate. We didn’t think we hated it when we bought it, but its one of those houses that every time you peel back one layer or badness, you find 6 more. Finding tradespeople who can do a half decent job has proved impossible, so we are living in a house that we don’t like and it seems impossible to get anyone to come and turn it into a house that we do like. Then there is my job. The temporary job became a permanent job, but I had to reapply for the permanent post……and I didn’t get it.(the feedback I got from my boss by text was “the panel thought you had burn out………are you doing your shift tonight?”). I didn’t love the job, but it was convenient. I finish working there at the end of the month, and currently don’t have another job to go to. Any similar role is going to be an hours commute…..but there are jobs out there, its not that I won’t have a job, I just might have to travel a bit for it. But the thing is I haven’t loved my job for a long time. DH has, IMO, never been particularly supportive of my job (he would deny this). He earns sufficiently well that we don’t need the money. He would happily have had me give up after DC1. His attitude is (IMO) “if you want to work you facilitate everything you need to make it possible”. He says he happy for us to have a full time nanny/housekeeper/gardener if that’s what it takes……although employing all of those would exceed what I earn so, I’d literally be going to work to get out of the house to keep skills up, and as DC are still quite young this would likely go on for at least another 6 years……which just feels a bit pointless.Its one thing to pay to work while DC are young/pre school, but when I looks like you could be doing it for 16 years...umm. We do have a cleaner and a gardener for a few hours a week and increasingly I’m buying in ready made food. If I felt secure in our marriage I probably would have given up work a long time ago, but I’ve always felt that I need to know I have my job to fall back on if DH separate. But my work is more than just turning up for my shifts, there is endless keeping up to date, courses (which require more childcare arrangements), reading and admin, all of which well exceeds the 4 hours a week I’m paid to do it, and which I’ve been gradually falling behind in over the years, to the point that I now have totally lost confidence, don’t really know where to start sorting it out or where I’d have the time to sort it anyway. I had to do a teaching session the other week – I was literally shaking I was so terrified. DH keeps suggesting I have some time off, but I’m worried that any time off will result in my confidence getting lower (if that’s possible) and I’ll never go back, then DH will leave me and I’ll have no way to support myself. So I plod on with my job feeling completely demoralised, uninterested and yes, knackered and burnt out. I have no patience with DH or DC. I just don’t have the headspace anymore to listen to the normal never ending ramblings of children. I even wonder if I should make my next role full time, get a FT nanny and just be out of the house and totally concentrate on my career for 6 months or so to see if I even can get back on track. I don’t know if I even want to try, I don’t know if I even want to enjoy this job again or if I should think of something else…..but the thought of starting again….i just don’t have the energy. Any career change is going to involve a tonne of work and effort and a loooong time to get to a similar level as I’m at now….and that being the case, perhaps I just need to reinvest in what I know I can do….when I’m not totally knackered. Bt the reality is that to get to my current position I did invest hours and hours and hours of time because, pre DC I had hours of time. It simply isn't realistic to think I could invest that much time back into my job if I ever want to see DC. I sent this msg to DH yesterday “it feels like we can exist as a family if I don’t exists as a person. As long as I do nothing for me, family life ticks along, and as soon as I put myself first, everything falls apart”. I have increasing moments where I just think I’ll run away. I just can’t go on like this, but I don’t even know where to start sorting this out. Thank you for reading.