Curiousity thread...what's disappointed you about your friends values/views?

[veejayteekay]

Hey there. Something I've been mulling over a lot and just thought it would make an interesting chat thread...have you ever had a moment where you realised a friend or close family member held viewpoints or values you didn't expect them to that upset you? A comment they made or something that highlighted a prejudice they held or a way of seeing the world that made you feel uncomfortable? If so do tell...what was it?

I'm not sure if this constitutes what you mean but when a very close friend forgave someone that treated both of us and our partners very badly. She went on to marry her partner and now years later forgave the friend and are close again as if nothing happened. It gave me a moments pause of how I view her...

I was with her and a group of her friends at a mutual friend's house and we were talking about relationships and she randomly came out with oh I couldn't date a bisexual man, I couldn't get over knowing he liked a dick in his arse and a couple of them agreed I responded that I didn't think it mattered who someone dated, we all have exes and none of us know what sexual things they would have done with any ex including that act before but they looked at me like I was the odd one so I decided to just change the subject as I didn't feel it appropriate to argue with several people in someone else's house.

I told myself later that everyone is entitled to have their own preferences and I shouldn't think of it as judgment even if I didn't agree or understand.

But about 6 months later I met her just after I'd been to see a friend of mine (who she knew) and her family, I mentioned that my friends grandson (16 or 17) had been there and he was excited that he met a boyfriend he really liked and she crinkled her nose and asked what's the matter? Thinking I was boring her as she hadn't met him but she replied ugh how does he know that young has something happened to him she meant abuse
and slightly shocked I said what the has that got to do with it?
Well everyone I know who's gay it's because something has happened it mucks about with their likes, no one Iv met were born like that.
I replied of course there are what a ridiculous statement!
She said well who then.
I replied, her grandson, my bil, both of my uncles, me you know I'm bi,
She said well that doesn't mean anything Iv nothing against them but it's something that happens not a natural thing.
I told her to stop the car right now I'm getting out your views are disgustingly ignorant and its people like you that mean gay people hide it for so long.

We were never quite the same after that but the friendship did limp on as I thought her terrible upbringing had meant she was ignorant about some things because no one had taught her rather than malicious but there were a few more other comments about other things over the next couple of years and I thought you are in your 30's you are old enough to know better by now. Then something happened and I thought fuck this I'm not willing to have this in my life anymore.

Sorry that was long

I might add the other comments if I can be bothered.

I asked her what's the matter?*

I have a friend who assumed that a boy in her DS's class was only going to school during lockdown because he must have been 'at risk' in some way. It didn't occur to her that the single mum was a key worker.

@Ginkypig wow, that is a deeply troubling attitude to have and still have once you have crawled out of whatever childhood you may have had. Some people are not capable of learning new things ever and I do feel like I should be the bigger person but it does eat away in the end and you just can't.

My DM is my hero and I become more proud of her every day because she is awesome and refuses to become a baby boomer stereo type. She is surrounded by the most ignorant friends but she is determined to stay fresh...except
She often low-key criticises my DSIL for her poor housekeeping skills and says my DB is an excellent father - because he looks after his own DC. It's the one old fashion thing she can't let go of.
You can't have everything .

I know a couple of people who have taken the govt. covid loans, and plan to put their businesses into liquidation before they have to pay them back.

Can't get my head around how that is acceptable. Different standards.

I have numerous work colleagues who genuinely believe the Provisional IRA was a legitimate army who were defending their areas. I find this very hard to get my head around as they are lovely people and bright and capable, but their opinion is the exact opposite of my own.

It was such a weird juxtaposition though. She had friends men and women around her who were gay who she very much cared for and absolutely did not have any issues with and was supportive of so when she came out with the above post I didn't know how to deal with it as it didn't fit either the years I'd known her.

I put it down to her childhood at first because there were other big gaps in her life knowledge that most adults just knew as a result of and I'm not understating the next bit extreme emotional, physical and sexual abuse and childhood neglect the type books and films could be made of.
as a fellow trauma survivor who worked in the field I knew that it is common to end up with holes in development or knowledge and to have to learn things as adults that other people absorb naturally while they grow up or have safe adults around to learn from so I made allowances to an extent because I loved her and at first didn't think it was her trying to be horrible.

I changed my mind when our very close mutual friend (another trauma survivor) had to be admitted to the mh ward after a significant breakdown and suicide risk and she in conversation with me a couple of weeks later quite nastily reffered to our friend as some people just like to be ill, They couldn't drag me to the hospital we all feel like shit, I want to die too but I fight every day I bet you do too but we wouldn't end up on the ward like her would we like I was supposed to agree!

I firmly told her that she was there for her safety and it was a sign of strength that she didn't try to fight the admission because she recognised that she couldn't stop what was coming next and if she was her friend she would have empathy for her rather than judgment.
This was the point I stopped excusing her as ignorant.

My now ex-h voted leave. Came out with the 'coming over here taking our jobs' argument. Can't say I left him over Brexit but it really didn't help.