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Original poster

Present for new dad-to-be (adopter)

28 replies

TheSMOne · 19/08/2020 19:59

I have a friend (male, gay, single) who will shortly be adopting a child. I am super excited for them as it has been a long road to reach this point.

He's going to be an amazing dad and i have never seen anyone so good with children. I would like to give them a gift of a kind of cheque book where they can cash them in with me if/when they have a less than idyllic day for things like 'a homemade batch of brownies' or 'a trip to a different park' or a 'movie of your choice with popcorn'.

Does that sound stupid? I wanted it to be thoughtful... any ideas of things I could include in it? Any thoughts would be very welcome!

Thank you 😁

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 19/08/2020 20:05

I’m an adopter and for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on, I’m not sure if this’ll work. But you sound lovely. I’ll keep thinking about it.

What age is the child?

Livy178 · 19/08/2020 20:08

I think that’s lovely . Include cooking a meal for them , if you cook that is and offer babysitting duties if and when they are ready.

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/08/2020 20:20

I think it’s a lovely idea but tbh I’d suggest that maybe for a year down the line, once you’ve got more of a relationship with his child. In the early days he’ll need to keep the child’s world very small indeed so it may be a very long time before he’s even ready to introduce you.

Things I found invaluable just after placement were someone doing an online shop and having it delivered to me, another friend paid for a cleaner to come in for the first two months, someone else bought me nice bath stuff and treats for when the kids were in bed. Someone else bought me a “survival kit” with things like sudocreme, thermometer, baby wipes etc - all the stuff you run out of. My workplace paid for us to have a family photo shoot, they’re the first professional photos we had as a family and are very precious to us.

Interested in this thread?

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Families General shopping
lunar1 · 19/08/2020 20:40

How old is the child he is adopting? When my friend adopted in the same circumstances his daughter was two and had been with him for 6 months already.

I bought clothes for his daughter and an engraved wooden photo frame for my friend.

Sometimes with the type of gift you want to give, people feel awkward about cashing them in for a variety of reasons.

CommunistLegoBloc · 19/08/2020 21:11

I think just give a normal gift. A few books for the child. Depending on age and situation they might be easily overwhelmed by lots of new things, and books are fairly easy to pop on a shelf until the child is ready, or use for the dad to bond with them.

Give the dad whatever you'd normally give a new parent - champagne, photo frame, voucher etc.

FunTimes2020 · 19/08/2020 21:24

I agree with others. Normal gifts are fine! You sound very kind but the idea sounds a bit "young" and something teens might do for each other. Just be a reliable constant friend, ready to be a listening ear, or fun companion, as I'm sure you are.

Rainallnight · 19/08/2020 21:37

I think @Jellycatspyjamas has articulated what I was thinking. Any gift you give them will need to not involve you, because that might not be a possibility for them.

All of Jellycat’s ideas are great. I’d add to that some vouchers for something like Cook, or Laundrapp - anything to take the pressure off him as the housework can become a massive pressure when dealing with a new child.

We really appreciated a swimming nappy set from fellow adopters, as swimming can be very good for bonding.

SimonJT · 19/08/2020 21:45

I would just get a normal gift, as an adoptive parent (also a gay one and was single) your idea doesn’t sound great for the situation. Dad will be spending all of his time building an attachment, as an adoptive parent you just don’t really have time for other people in the first six months. A trip to a different park for an adopted child can be extremely stressful, movie with popcorn, I’m almost four years in and movies watched in one sitting just don’t happen. There are added layers of complexity so I would avoid anything experience based or anything that requires another person to attend.

SaintofBats · 19/08/2020 21:45

What @Jellycatspyjamas said. He’ll probably be funnelling for a while, and keep meetings with other people to a minimum to work on attachment, so focusing on practical stuff to make his life easier so he can concentrate on his new son or daughter would be best — and not being offended if you don’t meet him or her for a while.

icedbun5 · 19/08/2020 21:47

Books are always a good present.

HazelBite · 19/08/2020 21:47

Just be "there" for your friend, be a listening sympathetic ear ( he will probably need one)

Original poster
TheSMOne · 19/08/2020 22:05

Thank you so much for all the feedback. The child is going to be 5 in October.

I guess i just wanted to show that I would be there and supportive for the days that might be more tough than the others. But I guess i can write that in a card.

I'd already planned a children's cook book - and will perhaps get some swimming vouchers or something like that.

OP posts:
winterisstillcoming · 19/08/2020 22:23

I'd suggest anything that would encourage attachments so the cookbook sounds fab. Maybe with matching aprons for them both. But accept it might not be used until their relationship is ready for it.

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/08/2020 22:34

Your friend is in for a massive adjustment - 5 is at the older end of adoption for good reason. The best gift you could possibly give him is space to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly - I had folk telling me to enjoy my children etc etc which was lovely but the reality of parenting two traumatised children was a massive shock to me. Try to avoid all the “how wonderful it all is” cliches because it might not feel wonderful for a long while.

Practical gifts, supportive gifts are all good but honestly a friend saying to me I’ll phone you at 7.30 on Tuesday for coffee and chat was worth it’s weight in gold.

Original poster
TheSMOne · 19/08/2020 22:45

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you! Yes, I think the adjustment is going to be massive. There was what can only be described as an adoption miscarriage so this has been a really long journey.

I really like the idea of a phone call each week. Just having a space where he's free to say how things have actually been. Would offering to pop round once a week when the child is in bed for half an hour for a cuppa be too much? A phone call is better isn't it.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 20/08/2020 03:32

I did appreciate seeing a friend in the evening every now and again - if the wee one settles in to a good sleep routine it’s nice to have some company, I’d totally play that one by ear because he may be knackered and just want to chill but there’s no reason why you couldn’t pop in once the child was asleep.

Jellycatspyjamas · 20/08/2020 03:37

I meant to say, there’s an adoption topic on Mumsnet (under becoming a parent). There are lots of very experienced adopters there and lots of threads about early placement which might help you understand what it can be like. Your friend might also find it useful - were a bit more balanced than the Adoption U.K. forums in that folk who are having a good time still tend to stick around.

You sound like a really lovely, supportive friend.

sashh · 20/08/2020 04:18

If yu want to make something what about a journal for the new dad and possibly new son to write in / draw in?

A sort of scrapbook that can be kept.

Original poster
TheSMOne · 27/08/2020 10:17

@Jellycatspyjamas - thanks again for all the brilliant advice. I will certainly check out the adoption topic. Matching panel was a yes so its now all systems go. Ive ordered matching aprons and a cookbook for them. Now just trying to find a suitable card - i dont want to get a good luck card for reasons i cant really explain; so im going with one that says 'exciting times ahead'. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 27/08/2020 11:00

You can get adoption cards now, and some were just congrats on your new addition - how lovely though for all involved.

Magic0Magic · 27/08/2020 11:11

My brother and his husband adopted - I got them a card from Mumaduke Designs. She designs lots of adoption related content
mumadukedesigns.com/

TeenPlusTwenties · 27/08/2020 11:22

I would say not clothes for the child. I really wanted to choose clothes myself for my much waited for children, and it was bad enough having to wait for them to grow out of the clothes they came with from FC.

If buying toys etc, take note that adopted children are often behind their chronological age both emotionally and in terms of skills, so better to go down an age range than up, or something that has a wide range.

midwifeync · 27/08/2020 13:18

Yeah I would do your original idea. I'd hate to be lumbered with having to 'cash in' how awkward would you feel messaging someone like 'can I have my brownies now!?' I'd feel like a dick and would never use them.

I'd get him some vouchers for Cook. They will be so much more appreciated.

midwifeync · 27/08/2020 13:19

*wouldn't do!!

Rainallnight · 28/08/2020 07:39

Great news about matching panel.

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