Kids that lie

[Wallywobbles]

I'm mostly pretty laid back but lying is just such a big issue.

One of our teens (DSD14) never tells the full truth. Family friend has approached me saying they don't want their DD to hang out with her anymore because she thinks everything coming out of DSD's mouth is a lie. Some huge fabulation to make herself more interesting. She gave me a run down of some of what's been said over the last 18 months yesterday.

This has made me really doubt myself. Am I just too stupid to spot a lie. Other teen DDs think while there might some exaggeration it is all basically true.

Slightly older DD told a humdinger of a lie (about underage sex) that has had huge consequences on her and my trust already.

So how do you spot a lie? And how the fuck do you get them to stop?

I think to a certain extent lying or fabricating a more interesting truth is normal at various stages of childhood. Obviously in young children they can lie to test out the boundaries and see what response they get, older children probably because they are more clever and recognise they can lie to meet different ends.

What sort of lies is she telling?

I guess the issue might be what is the cause of your DD’s lying. Could it be low self-esteem, is she lying to try not to get in to trouble for thing or for a reaction from people (eg making up outlandish stories). I think maybe it might be best to work out the reason for the lying and focus on that rather than making too big a deal out of the lie itself.

I guess you can do things to encourage truth telling too. Such as you being truthful even when you’ve done wrong or not punishing them when they’ve done something wrong but owned up to it etc.

Bump

Well that's the question. I actually don't know if they're lies. But how do I tell.

So recently there's been a massive amount of things about sex and what her bf is doing with her. Inappropriate at 14, and in my view inappropriate at all ages. Then lots of half truths which have no logic to them.

She's told family friends mother lots of stuff about her mum, which may or may not be true.

We are inclined to shut conversations down about her mum as DH thinks his DC tell us exactly what we want to hear. And they certainly do the same about us.

She certainly suffers from low self esteem. We always encourage the truth. Any obvious bullshit has always been treated with humor. But now the behavior is causing harm.

So recently there's been a massive amount of things about sex and what her bf is doing with her. Inappropriate at 14, and in my view inappropriate at all ages. Then lots of half truths which have no logic to them.

I’d be very worried about this - I’d be wary of going in to hard re her lying just in case there’s a grain of truth in it and I’d be putting boundaries in place around contact with her boyfriend and supervision etc. If you thought there was any truth to it you’d be dealing with it in a clear, boundaries way (I hope) and if she’s lying that same response will impress on her how seriously you take her safety and well-being.

I also be really looking at how you know she’s lying - are you assuming because she has form for it or do you have evidence she’s not being truthful?

Then lots of half truths which have no logic to them.

With these I’d take a really curious, logical approach “that doesn’t make sense to me, I remember you saying X, have I missed something”, “so I’m wondering what happened with X after we last spoke”. Listen, listen and check out - show lots of interest but explore the stuff you suspect isn’t true.

I’d also be very reassuring that it doesn’t need to be a big story for you to care about what’s happening with her. You don’t say, and I’m not asking, but kids who experience early trauma often have real difficulties with lying - if that’s possibly an issue for her I’d tread gently.

She has a history of a bit of truth to you a bit of truth to DD1 a bit more to DD2 etc so no one ever had the full picture.

Her behavior has noticeably changed over the last 18 months but I'd initially put that down to teens.

BF is tricky as we have her 50/50 and she's currently with her mum for 2 weeks who lives on a bus route close to town and is out working all day. We live in the arse end of no where. Re sex- We've been dealing with it and I thought we'd reached a good place. Now I'm thinking we've been played.

I did this as a young teen, it was to make my shit life better. I'd be concerned.

She has a history of a bit of truth to you a bit of truth to DD1 a bit more to DD2 etc so no one ever had the full picture.

I’d be worried about that tbh, splitting the story across different people means a lot can get hidden in the gaps, and 14 is a tricky age where young folk are way more vulnerable than they realise. Is the boyfriend ok ie is he a similar age, with similar interests, does he come to the house with her etc etc.

My dd is only 7yo but there is a girl in her class who is an absolutely compulsive liar. We had her round for a playdate when she first joined the school and I caught her out pretty much straight away when she was obviously fabricating a sibling. I didn't say anything to dd about it at the time but she became wise to it a few weeks later.

It turns out this girl has a very unsettled home life so I figure she uses lies as a way of exerting control in a way that she's not able to in her real-life situation.

BF is 16. Has already had sex with 3 girls. BF is aware and invested in her MH which is mostly a good thing. Possibly once again her making herself more interesting. Sounds mean of me.

She starts with a new psychologist early September. Her MH is definitely not great but she was with another psychologist for a year and it was a waste of time. So fingers really crossed that she can make progress with boundaries and self esteem.

I agree with @Jellycatspyjamas suggestion to approach the half truths. Rather than call outright mention lying id say something like “you said you you went with Sam and how, but you also said Jo was away this week”. So point out the inconsistency in a curious.

I also agree with being cautious about assuming anything is a lie.

The sudden change is behaviour is concerning. Have you spoken to her about the change and that you are worried? Is there someone else she is close with to talk to outside of the immediate family, like and aunt or friends parent?

I've always taken pretty much everything at face value. I think your kids have to know that you believe them. But if you are being played how do you tell. And what's the correct response.

She'll be back end of the month for a short week - another chat is due. I think I'm just going to say. Look you really need to tell the full truth. You are on the point of damaging your long term friendships for some short term gain. If people think you are lying they will not want anything to do with you. It makes relationships pointless.

And I'm going to encourage her to be really truthful and upfront with the psychologist. It's so frigging complicated this parenting.

DH no doubt will have another uncomfortable conversation- poor man parenting physically precocious teen girls is not fun.

Look you really need to tell the full truth. You are on the point of damaging your long term friendships for some short term gain. If people think you are lying they will not want anything to do with you. It makes relationships pointless.

I’d possibly come at it a slightly different way. While I know you’re not trying to shame her, I think she would possibly feel blamed and if she’s struggling with self esteem she’ll struggle even more if she thinks she’s damaging her friendships - even though that may be true.

I wonder if instead saying you recognise she finds it hard to be straight with people, wonder aloud what makes that difficult (I wonder if you think you’ll be in trouble, people won’t like you, that the truth is too big to tell). Explain how much you value an open relationship with her, and how much other people value her being open an honest, that you find it hard to know how to help her when you’re not sure what’s going on etc.

The reality is you don’t know what the whole truth is, it sounds like she’s struggling a good deal and she may have stuff that feels deeply shaming for her - keeping things open for her may not mean she stops lying immediately but it makes it more possible for her to be open with you.

I’d them really watch out for her being honest and praise her for it “I’m so glad you told me about X, thanks for being so open with me”. And finally really listen to her - pay attention to her and create space for her to talk to you - the car is a brilliant place to chat because she knows you can’t look at her.

It’s so very hard, but think about the long term goal (relationship and self esteem) rather than the short term (stop lying).

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you. That's awesome advice. I will try and do exactly that.

There’s a really good book “how to talk so teens will listen, and listen so teens will talk”, very worth a read - it has really good strategies for opening up communication with teenagers. Good luck, it’s very hard to pick your way through.