How did your NCT group work? Are you close?

[HelloHolaGutenMorgen]

If you are a parent and did NCT classes how did you find making friends with them all? Did it work out and did you all end up a big group of friends or did you divide into different groups?

I think I can be a stupidly anxious person and always overanalyse everything. I've had the same group of friends since secondary school that I see a lot (pre covid). I also have some university friends that I meet up with but see them more one on one as they are quite different. I say this as I wonder if I just struggle with new people maybe?

We moved to a new area when I was pregnant and so we are nowhere near my old friends.

We did NCT classes last year and everyone seemed really lovely. Despite this I found it hard to bond with anyone else straight away. It's a big group of 10! It's always very much small talk or about the babies. And then it goes into other work things and I just find it hard to compete for conversation sometimes. I'm an introvert generally. I feel like I'm always different, always a bit more shy, don't fit in somehow. But those anxieties tend to hold me back and I don't know if I'm being ridiculous and I'm not actually different, but feeling like I am which is making it hard to bond?

We did lots of whole group meet ups when the babies were first born. Always in cafes in our local area. It was lovely at first as everyone is so friendly in person and we were helping each other out with the newborn stage. Saying that, it was always a big group and I do find it hard to feel close to people unless it's 1:1.

Then we started doing a few baby groups together in smaller groups, but always different. No set smaller group, if you know what I mean. So it wasn't like it was always the same 4. But then covid happened! Groups dropped numbers, lots of us started distancing and then of course lockdown.

During lockdown we tried to organise group zoom calls but it just wasn't the same. And again it was all 10 of us but different people dropping in each time due to naps.

With restrictions easing we had a few distanced park meet ups. Always nice and chatty at the time, but I can't explain it - they always left me feeling a little cold. Like I still can't just relax. I don't know if they like me. They've tailed off again now with the poor weather and preparing returns to work (December babies!)

I was feeling a bit rubbish so bit the bullet and have seen 2 of them 1:1 for walks. I texted them and asked to meet. They are two that generally text back a bit more so that's why I asked them (a lot of the nct group I have never texted personally, which I regret now). On both occassions we went for a walk around a local park. It was nice, but you always need to get back for naps etc and I feel like you need to do it a few times to get to know each other well. I've just found out that those two actually go out for dinner lots. I'm starting to wonder if loads of them have made mini groups and I'm just not aware of it?

The stinker is the whole covid thing means I'm not comfortable going out to dinner or lunch (whatever!) anyway due to some family health conditions. So I don't even feel I can rectify it by organising anything really. :(

I'm basically kicking myself I didn't make more of an effort to do 1:1 catch ups pre covid.

I'm not returning to work before the new year, I don't really know the area and no groups seem to be opening up. I just feel a bit lost tbh and worried I've wasted my NCT experience!

I tend to sit back in big groups and wait because often the BFF type turn out to be a bit odd or not genuine. I focus on those who are good fun, like me and don’t gossip/talk about others badly behind backs. It’s normally a good rule of thumb.

You could message one or two that you click with and see how it goes.

I met my NCT group 3.5 years ago. There were 8 couples.

One quite quickly dropped out from the group. She went back to work full time after 6 months and just stopped responding to our messages and invites shortly after.

Another also went back to work but her husband did shared leave so was around a lot. The 6 of us mums and one dad met up a lot during the first year and a half.

The Dad then also went back to work so we dont see them as much, but all 7 mums are on a WhatsApp group and communicate all the time. We do Zoom once a fortnight and, in normal times, get together just adults once every few months.

In terms of meeting up with the children, we all have membership to a local gardens so meet up there frequently. Rarely all 6 of us at once but usually 3 or 4 mums and kids. We also do playdates, go to play cafes, have picnics etc.

I'm closer to some of the group than others, but we all get on well. I could easily spend a morning with any of them by myself and have plenty to talk about and enjoy.

It depends really, and there's a lot of luck to it. I did pregnancy yoga and NCT. Three years on I only see one of the NCT lot, and that's mainly because of a childcare setup we have, whereas I still see the other group weekly in normal times. Having said that, I'm usually the one organising things and my organisational attention went to the second group, so that may have played a part.

At the time it felt like we HAD to make friends and have mat leave etc sorted. Actually a year down the line I made friends with a mum on the next street who was much more on my wavelength - you go to activities with your baby and start to see the same faces etc, walk the same way home together and so on, and it all feels much less pressured.

Do you particularly like any of them? It’s not worth bothering if not as you will meet new people with nursery, school etc in the future I would think.

Unless you have an actual abhorrent personality, I’m sure these women like you well enough. Turning up, checking in, organising meet ups is enough for now, and the rest will come in time.

Certainly for the first year it is actually all about the babies, just accept that and go with it for now. It’s a gateway to a deeper friendship.

Not necessarily. My group peaked when the babies were under five or six months old, and by that point, to be honest, I think we all realised we just didn't much like one another, and had been thrust together by circumstances, and just stopped getting together altogether as we all began to prepare for going back to work, which felt like resuming our normal lives. Then I left London altogether, but to my knowledge, none of the group kept in touch,

Mine was 15 years ago. I did NCT instead of the local hospital for snobbish reasons and because I thought we’d all become friends and form book clubs and all sorts.
I had to travel to another town for it. No one lived near anyone else and no one made friends or met up. I just remember one man who was obsessed with caravanning and all he wanted to get out of it was to find out a what age the baby could go on a caravan holiday.
I also gained no knowledge about the appalling pain I would be in when breast feeding so my difficulties with it came as a complete shock.
In retrospect, I should have done the local FREE hospital classes.

6 in our group, but one couple moved away fairly quickly. The rest of us mum's still meet for dinner every few months and get on really well 16 years later. I remember our teacher was really lovely and told us all to meet at the John Lewis cafe when all the babies were born, that turned into a regular thing and we went from there.

Do you particularly like any of them?

Yes, this is the key question, OP. Your post is all about whether they like you, but surely it's more important to think about whether you like them and actually want to see them. I wouldn't bother, if you just feel you 'should' because there's this idea that NCT groups are supposed to be all close for years to come. In my experience via friends, it's completely hit and miss.

Oh, and my friend's NCT group in another city were very close in a lasting way, as lots of them had their second babies around the same time as one another, and they became a very tight-knit group. My friend very much regretted leaving them when she moved away, but it transpired that years later, when the first babies were mid-teens, that half of them were having affairs with one another's spouses/partners, and at least two couples broke up and got together with other people from the group, which was a bit more dramatic tension than ideal...

It's tricky. I'm younger by a few years and did all the 'different' stuff like hypnobirthing and pregnancy yoga So I was probably always a bit different. There are two who are probably most like me on paper and we are similar with the baby things e.g. do baby-led-weaning, cloth nappies, bedsharing but they are also completely different from me in other ways than that and are a bit elusive. The two most friendly who I have seen once or twice are probably the most different! They're very nice and friendly but they went to a steakhouse together and moving onto bottles/formula and routines, whilst I'm still breastfeeding to sleep and a vegetarian, so there you go. 🤦‍♀️ It's just hard to find the 'bite of conversation, something we really have in common.

If classes were up and running I may find some closer friends I agree.

@SaintofBats

Oh, and my friend's NCT group in another city were very close in a lasting way, as lots of them had their second babies around the same time as one another, and they became a very tight-knit group. My friend very much regretted leaving them when she moved away, but it transpired that years later, when the first babies were mid-teens, that half of them were having affairs with one another's spouses/partners, and at least two couples broke up and got together with other people from the group, which was a bit more dramatic tension than ideal...

@SaintofBats

Oh, and my friend's NCT group in another city were very close in a lasting way, as lots of them had their second babies around the same time as one another, and they became a very tight-knit group. My friend very much regretted leaving them when she moved away, but it transpired that years later, when the first babies were mid-teens, that half of them were having affairs with one another's spouses/partners, and at least two couples broke up and got together with other people from the group, which was a bit more dramatic tension than ideal...

Whaaaaat?

We were a group of 6. Two broke away fairly early on but...the rest of us (4 families) are really great friends.
We also had subsequent children at similar times! Before the kids started school, we saw each other once a week. Now the kids are at school, it varies...we still do lots of things together (just mums or just dads...or couples)...we've holidayed together, had sleepovers, weekends away...
I love my NCT friends. They've turned into my bestest friends.

Think the politest way is to arrange something with one or two others at mutually convenient times then make it an open "come along if you're free" type invite. It falls down pretty quickly if you try to find nights that all 6 or 8 of you can do.
Think is normal to get natural pairings/groupings esp with work eg if you both have fridays off.

I picked up one/two good friends from each of the activities eg one from antenatal swimming, one from baby swimming and two from Nct.

I completely failed to make any at toddler groups I just didn't click with anyone else even though I tried really hard

Save your money- seriously. It cost us £225 or something and it was water down the drain. The NCT lady churned out basic or outdated info and the couples there were weird- either cliquey (three knew one another which made it clear very early on, they'd not be friends with the rest of us!) or incredibly strange (competitive, etc.). I was upset at first because I'd been led to believe these people would be our friends for life 😂😂😂 but when I thought about the fact that the only thing we had in common was that we'd all had sex and conceived around the same date, I felt much better.

We met once a week for the first year but most went back to work at that point so it became more sporadic and I lost touch with a couple of them. I met up with 3 of them regularly until our second babies started school and now the original babies are all 12 and I'm only in touch with one of the other women. It becomes pretty difficult to meet up all together once everyone's got more than one child...you don't all fit in anyone's house and and no cafe is big enough for 8 adults and 16 children.

I was in an initial group of around 14. 8 of us carried on meeting up after the classes ended, always as a big group. I felt as though I didn’t click with any of them really... until we went for a night out and showed our true colours!

It was completely different from when we were with the babies and from then on, we really hit it off. There are now 6 of us, 18 years later, and I count them amongst my closest friends.

I think you’re doing the right thing in trying to get a bit of 1:1 time, but also try meeting without the babies to see what people are really like.

I love my NCT friends. 9 years on I still see them regularly some more than others though. We had 7 in our group. One moved away and we don’t see or talk anymore. A few who went back to work who were very career minded and we don’t really see them very often due to work commitments. We do try and go out for dinner every so often. 4 of them are now some of my best friends, I was new to the area and it was invaluable I still see them most weeks, the kids do some after school clubs together and they also had 2nd and 3rd kids at very similar ages.
I would have been very lonely without them.

Sorry OP- I misread your post (severe sleep deprivation with my little one). I thought you were considering joining a group.

Don't feel bad and don't chase. I've made more friends at the local park/playgroups (pre-covid) than at NCT.

We did it 2 years ago and everyone was lovely and We had a group of 10 and then we kind of split into 2 groups due to locations and activites, so our group of 4 now are friends, we do dinners and play dates and still meet up as a larger group when we can. Once everyone is back to work it get harder to keep in touch i think but I’ve been lucky with my group.

My in laws are best friends with a couple they met at their ante natal group 30 years ago!!

I didn’t get on with mine. They were utterly obsessed with breastfeeding. We would meet up a couple of times a week and it was literally all they would talk about. I was the only one formula feeding. Any mention of formula you’d think I’d suggesting feeding my baby vodka. Several of them said they felt sorry for my baby. I got fed up of it after a couple of months and left them to it. I made friends with a group of mums through post natal yoga who were much more interesting.

Ours was good when we were all messaging each other in the early hours whilst feeding.

4 of us were close as we happened to live within walking distance of each other. Since then, 2 have moved city. I gave up on the one who didn't move far after a few attempts.

DH and I are close to the remaining couple but that's just luck that we get on.

2 others became close and I think they're still friends (DCs are nearly 7).

Interestingly I met the other couples who did the intensive weekend NCT course that we nearly did at other baby groups etc. Haven't become friends with any of them.

There were about 9 couples in our NCT group, all very nice but I didntgel with any of them. Partially cirumstances, partially luck really. A lot of the group lived near each other whilst i was out in the sticks ad probably ndidnt go to as many meetups as i could hace as couldnt face the 50 min drive. regret it a bit now as didnt gel with any baby group mums locally either as all knew each other beforehand.
The best part of the group was the whatsap! It did help knowing the other mums were struggling with same stuff i was and there was a lot of help and advice on there in the early months.

I think its very hit and miss.

We had a group of 8, one moved away, two drifted away but the rest of us meet regularly, sometimes with the kids, sometimes without, sometimes spouses and kids. We were on the beach last week having a swim and fish and chip supper, five mums, five 12 year olds and 4 siblings. We usually all go camping together once a year but covid put paid to that this year. It really depends on what you have in common and circumstances but we have been very lucky.

We had a group of 8. The WhatsApp was invaluable in the early days for moral support but many of the people I struggled to connect with and it was the type of group where no one wanted to actually organise a meet up. But if I organised something, everyone would turn up and say what a good time they had. After about ten months I focussed in on two of the other mums and cultivated that friendship and we get on quite well now (kids are nearly two).

I did go through a phase like yours where I felt I needed to hugely dial back my expectations as I felt a little let down that we weren’t all getting on amazingly. But I’m really glad I persevered with the two that I did bond with. I just manufactured a reason to message them both in a new WhatsApp group (running late to a baby group or something) and it gradually built from there.