DD(9) is crying because she thinks she's fat - she's absolutely tiny, how do I deal??!!

[Duvetstay]

DD is 9, she's woken up and got dressed, looked in the mirror at her outfit (leggings and top) and started crying and stomping about. I asked what was wrong and she said "my hips stick out and I'm fat". The thing is she's tiny, quite petite and athletic and noticeably slimmer than her peers.

I told her she was being silly and she looked lovely... Said she was tiny and she needed hip bones for her legs to work! Showed her my hips (not tiny!)

She's still crying now... I have no idea what to say to her. Can't think where she is getting this from! I rarely mention weight (certainly not in a negative way) and stuff she watches tends to be cbbc type stuff that wouldn't discuss weight.

What should I say to her? I'd hate for it to be an issue.

It's very tough. My five year old boy (also only watching tiny pop etc) talks about being buff but also about not eating too much as you get fat.
I genuinely don't know how he got this. I don't talk about anything of this nature at all. It concerns me.
Your poor dd I hope someone can advise you.

Are you sure she hasn't been watching youtube?

I'd dress her in something other than clingy leggings and tops if she's feeling self conscious about it

Has she got a phone/ tablet or other access to SM?

Or a friend who has?

If so, that is where she gets it.

My niece (also 9) did this a couple of weeks ago. Turns out she has had access to youtube.. We identified this quite quickly when she started saying that she was "unhappy in her own skin"

Agree re you tube / tiktok. If she doesn't access it does a friend?

If she is seeing fat when she looks in the mirror and not believing you when you say she is not overweight could you weigh her, measure her height and show her on a BMI calculator (NHS do one with kids settings) that she is most definitely not overweight.

Then I think it would be good to ask her why she feels that way, what she sees when she looks in the mirror and what she may have been reading/watching that's made her worried.

Hmm, she doesn't have access to YouTube or social media but has been at a sports camp where some of the older kids were watching music videos on their phone so maybe that was it. Sorry to be ignorant but why would these make her feel fat? The video she was talking about watching was Nicki Minaj who as although inappropriate for lots of other reasons doesn't have small hips! Is there lots of diet stuff on there? She is quite into little mix who are all tiny so maybe she's seen a video of them.

She won't talk about why she feels like this so no joy there! I'm trying not to give it too much airtime but equally want to understand. It's tricky.

Dtds - one bigger than the other and always has just had a fuller look even though there’s 1lb between them but dtd1 used to say her legs we’re fat. We didn’t make a big thing but changed our language. If she said “look at my legs!” I’d say “yes look at those amazing strong legs. You’re so lucky to have strong legs!” Etc that was age 7 and now at 9 she’s super proud of her strong legs.

It will be from sports camp. Either from what the other kids have been saying and/or things she saw.

I think you've approached it right and I would try and focus on what her body can do rather than what it looks like as @m0therofdragons said.

This is really tough OP but I just wanted to say please don't tell her she's being silly I had terrible body issues and self loathing growing up - all I wanted was for my mum to take my thoughts and feelings seriously and not just dismiss them as silly and untrue.

Good luck x

The older kids probably talked about it and maybe even teased her remember how older children can very easily wind up and tease younger ones.

There will have been small bits of time when not doing sports, lunch break or a passing comment when in the loo. Maybe a comment on what her packed lunch was.

I agree it will be from sports camp. Lots of comparing of bodies. It happens I’m afraid. I wonder if you could really try and press the ‘strong not thin’ line. A strong body is so much better than an emaciated one. Is there a sport she really excels at?

If she's upset because she sees being fat as a bad thing, then I don't think coming up with ways to hide her body is going to help - it's essentially colluding in the notion that she should be worrying about how her body looks, and dressing to hide things she hates.
I assume you have asked her why she thinks that, and where it is coming from?
Her body needs energy to grow, our bodies change shape all the time, she can do amazing things with it, it's her body that she will have her whole life and having a positive relationship with it is vital for a happy life.
If she feels she wants to look different, or be able to do more stuff like being physically active, then you can work on that.
If she's sad because people have been bullying her for her appearance, then work on the bullying not the appearance. If she's taking messages from social media and peers that being fat is bad and ugly, then talk around what that actually means, and how to build a resilient attitude.
Don't simply dress her in baggy clothes and hope it goes away FFS.

Rather then talking about weight talk about being healthy

Could it simply be that the top is short and the leggings look a bit rubbish as a result?

If she is thinking she looks fat, not that she is fat, she's maybe just realising that leggings as trousers isn't a very nice look. I'd want to rule out issues with the outfit before focusing on her body, just in case it's that simple.

Has she taken a growth spurt and her clothes maybe not fit her as well as they did - I’ve had to explain the difference between growing bigger and putting on weight to my DD also 9. I think it’s part of them becoming more aware of their bodies and appearance - we talk a lot about having strong bodies that are healthy and well, what good nutrition looks like etc.

I told her she was being silly and she looked lovely...

So the message there is she can’t be fat and look lovely at the same time? That won’t help either. It builds the fear of getting fat and makes it more of an issue. “Does that mean if I was fat I wouldn’t be lovely?” etc etc.

Thanks, some good comments here.

I wouldn't want her to hide her body and dress in baggy stuff as that's implying there's something wrong with her.

I probably shouldn't have said she was being silly but it just she's one of the slimmest in the year so obviously ridiculous... If it turns into a recurrent theme I'd try to get to the bottom of it rather than use the word silly again.

I don't want to build a fear of fat (esp because her sister is a lot bigger build) and we talk about being healthy... She's very into gymnastics. I try and approach it in a functional vein as in "you need hips or your legs won't work".

There were some older girls at the camp, maybe they were negatively discussing their bodies. When DD is upset she can't verbalise it very well so would neither confirm nor deny!!!

Gymnastics is awful for body image stuff, I know that’s where my daughter tends to pick up “fat” messages when she’s very far from being fat. I watch competition gymnastics with her pointing out how strong and healthy the girls look - gymnasts like Simone Biles and Becky Downie who are clearly strong athletic young women are good role models in terms of body image.

I don’t think you should be calling her “ tiny” either. You need to talk more about health, activity levels, how our bodies change and grow especially as she enters puberty soon etc. Poor girl is probably just experiencing peer pressure for the first time. Gymnastics is a great sport but does have bad form for being very body and weight focussed.

I would have viewed her as silly & drama llama, too.
Doesn't mean their feelings aren't real, just meh, I can't rise to it.

A better parent would encourage them to talk thru the situation logically & get them to realise for self what are sensible boundaries around comfortable & healthy body size. How to put body size perception into perspective in assessing personal self-worth (almost anything else is more important).

High level gymnasts aren’t all tiny. Some of them are incredibly muscular as they need to be to do what they do! I wouldn’t be sitting her down specifically to look at it but maybe admiring their muscular physique if watching a video or something.

Agree with focusing on what her body can do.

Worth having a conversation about how what's on the inside matters more than what's on the outside. She may well not accept it outwardly, but you are providing an internal narrative for use in the future.