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Original poster

Husband cheated - does this meet the definition?

27 replies

MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 00:27

Husband chatting to female colleague on FB tonight. He angled phone away from me so I couldn’t see - never done that before. He appeared guilty. He realised I was curious and told me a rumour is going around about him having sex with a colleague at work. He categorically denies this, tells me he is worried as she is somewhat vulnerable and he doesn’t want colleagues thinking this about him.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I wanted to know the details so read his phone when he was in bed. He has denied the above incident to his colleagues, but it turns out that he asked another female colleague on a date in May and has kissed another one at some other point.

I have found the message where he asked colleague out. He has been messaging her recently, day before our anniversary in fact. All innocent as she turned him down, but he continued to message her. She no longer works with him and hasn’t for a while.

For clarity I have a low sex drive, he has a high one. This has been a cause of many arguments over the years.

I’m not sure what I believe, I only know he has been having a great time flirting (at the very least) with a number of women.

I don’t even know what I want from this thread - my head is all over the place.

OP posts:
Original poster
MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 00:28

Sorry that’s so long, I meant it to be short, but failed

OP posts:
Original poster
MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 00:54

Anyone - really need some company Sad

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 00:57

oh OP that sounds terrible.

Has he cheated before? Have you suspected at any point.

I guess it comes down to whether you can trust him.

Lucked · 19/08/2020 01:00

Your husband asking other women out is not okay (even if they say no) and yes kissing is cheating. I am surprised you have to ask. Don’t doubt yourself or let him gaslight you about the seriousness of it. It is blatant cheating.

He sounds like a serial cheat and constant flirt probably bordering on harassment given these are women he works with.

Original poster
MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 01:02

Thank you for replying @chickenyhead

I am positive he has at least asked someone else out, told her he finds her very attractive etc. And on at least one occasion kissed a colleague (in front of other colleagues).

Several of them came to our house for a garden party after some of the lockdown measure were lifted. I chatted to them and entertained them in my home. I feel like such a fool.

The woman he has kissed was there too.

I do t know what I want

OP posts:
Lucked · 19/08/2020 01:02

All innocent as she turned him down,

This is the sentence in your OP which struck me the most, there is nothing innocent or decent in his behaviour.

Original poster
MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 01:04

I know @Lucked It's that he continued messaging her, even though they no longer work together.

That he invited a woman he had kissed into my home. Had her interact with our children.

I'm devastated

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 19/08/2020 01:09

Yes that's cheating. I don't see how you're going to be able to trust him again, I know I couldn't.

The mismatch in your sex drives really isn't relevant. He's married to you, he's supposed to be faithful to you. It's not an excuse for messing around.

VaggieMight · 19/08/2020 01:11

Trying to cheat is the same as cheating. I don't see any difference.

Original poster
MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 01:11

Suspected cheating at the very beginning of our relationship (15 years ago). Similar set up, strong camaraderie group dynamic, lots of flirting, spending social time together, drinking etc.

He acknowledged he had kissed another woman and was attracted to her. We were having problems at the time. Decided we would move on and move in together. Engaged shortly after and generally happy since. Or so I thought

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 01:12

I'm not surprised, that's pretty low by anyones standards.

Please take photos of the conversations, he will deny them and gas light you.

Please know that you don't deserve this at all, he could have worked on his marriage, not his colleagues.

Did the woman stop working with him because he harassed her?

Original poster
MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 01:13

I don't know either @DramaAlpaca He ruined it.
How stupid of him.

How do I broach this with him tomorrow as I obviously snipped on his phone.

Found out about the kissing by a message that didn't quite fit on his phone, checked his messenger on his computer and it was in there. He'd invisibly deleted from his phone, but computer hadn't updated.

OP posts:
Original poster
MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 01:15

No @chickenyhead, she had left before he asked her out.

I have photos of all messages except this kiss one. Stupidly closed the tab and when I reopened it the feed had updated to the one like his phone where he had deleted that message.

Why was I not enough? I feel so stupid and pathetic

OP posts:
quantumdog · 19/08/2020 01:20

You are enough, it's just that he isn't enough of a man to stay committed and keep it in his pants. Get rid of him, because his behaviour (if brushed under the carpet/forgiven by you) will only get worse. He's no man at all.

quantumdog · 19/08/2020 01:22

And also, you don't need to worry about how you broach it. Just make sure you catch him totally unawares AFTER you've got (and I hate this turn of phrase but it does work so well) your ducks in a row.

Notanothercherrybakewell · 19/08/2020 01:24

It has nothing to do with you not being enough. This is entirely down to him, his choices and actions and you need to remember this otherwise you will drive yourself crazy.

Original poster
MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 01:24

I resent that he is sleeping peacefully upstairs whilst I lie here awake.

I want to wake him now and tell him I know

OP posts:
Original poster
MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 01:25

How do I get my ducks in a row

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 01:26

you were always enough, he just has different values on fidelity unfortunately.

You deserved better. There is nothing wrong with you at all.

I'm so sorry you are suffering Flowers

I'm not sure how you are going to handle telling him you know. You snipped on his phone with founded suspicion, not randomly or consistently.

Given the scales of wrongdoing, having a woman he kissed during your relationship in your home, with your kids and you, trumps any disrespect for looking at his phone. A million times.

Do not let him derail you with blame. If he hadn't acted guilty then you would not have needed to look. If you hadn't found anything then you might be a little wrong. BUT this is not the case. In fact, he was so sure that you wouldn't look that he hadn't deleted or locked it.

Weenurse · 19/08/2020 01:29

Get important paperwork and passport to a safe place.
Get copies of bank statements, pension statements etc,
Seek legal advice, don’t unburden on solicitor but go with specific questions. You don’t want to pay for them to listen to who is at blame, seek out friends for that conversation.
Do you own your home?
Get an idea on how much it is worth.
Good luck

Catsup · 19/08/2020 01:33

Christ! I'll be honest and say I'm frankly surprised he's still got his job if he tries to persue his female colleagues like that! Aside from the fact he's clearly taking the piss out of your own relationship. If he genuinely felt this colleague was vulnerable, then that'd make him what? Someone prepared to 'play along' with someone vulnerable? It hardly showers him in glory, and even if there isn't something more than being 'friendly' (which sounds very off considering his previous form). She's a colleague and not his friend, and he's overstepping serious boundaries all over the place.

ItsLateHumpty · 19/08/2020 01:33

@Lucked

All innocent as she turned him down,

This is the sentence in your OP which struck me the most, there is nothing innocent or decent in his behaviour.

This! I was going to comment on the same thing.

It’s not innocent, and not because he kept messaging her, but only because she shut him down.
If she’d said yes to the date* he’d have been there like a shot, and I’m 90% he’s had sex outside your marriage, because men like him don’t stop at trying their luck, dating other people, or kissing. I’m sorry OP Sad

*btw married / partnered people ‘dating’ other people is infidelity unless it’s a prearranged and an agreed set up in your relationship.

Original poster
MenAreBastards · 19/08/2020 02:03

I feel sick and lost. This can't be real

OP posts:
mybonesache · 19/08/2020 02:12

Wake him up with a bucket of cold water thrown at him.

MsDogLady · 19/08/2020 06:02

Kissing other women and Seeking dates = Cheating

This is terrible, OP, but his infidelity is not due to you. Your H is a serial philanderer, both behind the scenes and in public. He has weak boundaries and feels entitled to pursue women to boost his stunted ego.

Do not allow him to shift the blame to you, work, stress, etc. He has chosen infidelity and disloyalty.

His making a mockery of you and the children by bringing his OW to your home is beyond the pale.

Don’t feel guilty for investigating. He acted suspiciously and you needed information.

In your shoes, I would tell him to leave while you process all of this. You are devastated, but you will soon find your anger and that will help you make decisions.