Sister Wives. So many questions

[EvaHoffman]

I keep getting clips from Sister Wives on my FB feed. I've watched lots of them but I can't piece together their whole story, I don't think I can get the channel TLC and there doesn't really seem to be another way of watching whole episodes or finding out who they all are and the background to it all. It's fascinating though!

This is a reality series about a mormon man and his four wives in the US. As a feminist British woman and totally non religious I clicked on it expecting to find a dysfunctional shit show. The husband is odd, no doubt about it. He has starey eyes and speaks in a really intense way as if he is under enormous pressure to demonstrate his religious zeal and potent masculinity. However, the women just seem smart, relaxed, likeable and to be bringing up their kids in a 'normal' way in a really convivial, communal atmosphere together with the other wives. In recent episodes it seems that one or two of the kids have come out as gay which has been absolutely fine for the mothers. I'm wondering, what's not to like? But surely there's something wrong? I feel a bit weird about it all. Can anyone answer these questions?

1. What is the background to this all? What were each of the women doing before they met this man? Why did they agree to this arrangement?
2. What is the history of their arrangement? It seems to be that they all lived together, then they lived in separate homes in the same cul de sac and then they moved to Flagstaff where they are quite separate. Why did this happen?
3. Where on earth does the money come from? Does anybody work? Do the women work? Why do they keep on moving and where does the money come from to buy and build the houses?
4. What are the tensions and conflicts between them? How much time does the husband spend with each woman?
5. Why does it all look so benign, even enviable? I find myself thinking how nice it is to live in a group of women with a shared burden of childcare and on tap confidants. This can't be right though. Talk me out of it!

Why does it all look so benign, even enviable? I find myself thinking how nice it is to live in a group of women with a shared burden of childcare and on tap confidants.

The first few seasons made it seems like this, now it just looks awful. Apart from Christine and Janelle, all the women hate each other. Kody hates Meri and has openly said he has checked out of the marriage. He only seems to like Robyn. He wants to have dozens of children but isn't interested in them personally, once they are born he doesn't care about them, until they are grown up and producing his grand children.

Its an interesting show, I think to me it just shows how this can't work despite what they say. They act like Kody loves all the wives but he doesn't. It's just a religion approved way for him to have sex with new, younger women after the old one/s get a bit boring. And they act like the women don't mind sharing and "love the free time" but again, it's not like that. The women hate each other and are are so jealous they nearly come to blows if Kody spends one extra night at one wife's house, or gives one wife an extra kiss.

I watched one episode and at one point in it I thought the women should just kick the husband out and keep living together (he was very exasperating in that episode) . Seemed it wouldn't have changed must practically but would have eliminated a big source of stress and chores!

I used to watch this and it seemed like Meri had untreated chronic depression. She never got over only having one kid, and thought she should get more respect as the first wife. None of them wanted Robyn to join them.
Also, there were times when the kids would fight and bully each other quite badly, and that was dealt with by a parent yelling at them.

I watched another show about a group living in a series of caves and home built houses. After one man died his brother wanted to marry the 2 widows. Neither his existing wives or the widows wanted it. The widows had been known as dragons because they hated each other so much when married to the same man. Even for the men it seemed a highly controlled life with every aspect dictated by the elders.

Even with the TV glossing over everything it looked highly dysfunctional with quite severe poverty. Where they buy land and build houses is extremely cheap, and even so they were talking about 50 year mortgages in order to afford the payments.

@August20

I watched one episode and at one point in it I thought the women should just kick the husband out and keep living together (he was very exasperating in that episode) . Seemed it wouldn't have changed must practically but would have eliminated a big source of stress and chores!

Yes! He adds so little to their lives.

I watched it on youtube

Apologies for assuming the family are Mormon without really trying to find out.

I think the clips put out on FB are deliberately edited to make their life look quite nice and that's what draws you in because it's so different to what you imagine (dysfunctional and chaotic) and that makes you curious.

The extra info you've all posted paints a more realistic picture of how these kind of families work in reality.

Quite apart from the psychological dimensions of families like this I can't get my head around the logistics of moving such a large group of children around the country. What happens to their friendships and education, their sports and hobby groups ? It seems so unstable and yet they come across as well adjusted.

The financial side of it also seems utterly impossible. They all live in huge houses. How ? Even if land is very cheap where they moved to (and therefore rents and mortgages I guess) how do they feed and clothe themselves and furnish the houses and pay the bills? The jobs you have mentioned they do would in no way pay for that kind of lifestyle in the U.K. Is it really possible to live that kind of life in the US with regular jobs? Is the truth that the TV company are supporting their lifestyle to a large degree? If so, that's so strange and sad.

TV companies are supporting their lifestyles for the ones like Sister Wives and 19 Kids etc. ( I know those are different religious groups, but examples of reality TV)

The documentary I watched that was a one-off (so no steady income from TV) they kids were visibly poor - eating sugar sandwiches, clothes incredibly bare thread etc. There's a certain amount of economies of scale that come into this. Also, if you have enough people age 10+ around, you never have to pay for childcare. The documentary I watched they owned the land, so no housing costs.

Of course, in the US, if they aren't employed (but self-employed, which many are) they have no healthcare.

They do come from the mormon faith, albeit a fundamentalist offshoot. The father was raised in a mainstream LDS (mormon) family before the family became affiliated with a fundamentalist mormon sect due to the issue of plural marriage.

I don't know about Sister Wives, but I have fallen down the rabbit hole of the Duggar Family, who are a mum and dad with 20 children.

The Duggar's are also living off TV money. I think the makes of the Duggar's show actually built them a house, which was featured on the show.

.... I remember first watching the Duggar's and thinking how enviable it all looked with their large house and lots of land, but it's all smoke the mirrors.

The Duggar's have a comfortable life because of TV money. Compare them with their friends like the Bates and the Keller's and you'll see how the lifestyles differ.

The Duggar's have a number of elder daughters, who pretty much ran the house and did all the chores. The parents would pass the youngest child over to one of the daughters so they could focus on having another child.

One of the daughters admitted to sneaking food into the bathroom to eat before they had TV money.

I'm partway through watching series 5 and am horrified that the husband seems to have taken it upon himself to relocate the entire family to Arizona. Mouthing off about "leading the family" - awful bloke. And all the wives saying how he's such a "good man"

The Duggars etc are bad enough, with their home-schooling and rampant sexism, but this lot are even worse! These poor wives aren't even limited to the SAHM role, they have to do all that donkey work and earn money for the family too. Meanwhile the husband is king of his ever-growing empire

I used to watch this ,but haven't seen it for a while ,of course the TV companies are supporting their lifestyles just look at the Teen Moms ,most of whom are around 30 now and their extravagant life styles .

Can I ask a question related to the lifestyle? I’ve always wondered how multiple wives would work if everyone did it? I hope I make sense.......I mean, if a certain religion believes that men should have multiple wives to follow the religion properly, what happens to the ‘excess’ men? Do they just live as bachelors or live in an all male household? Do they reach Heaven or have they not fulfilled the requirements? Do they do their own cooking/housework etc or does a sister or sister in law do it?
It just seems like it wouldn’t work if the whole world followed this? Does anyone know if this is considered?

No idea Catcheronthesly - it makes absolutely no sense!

I did read an article a couple of years ago about the fundamentalists that followed Warren Jeffs - the plural marriage reached ridiculous levels in that group, I think the leaders had hundreds of wives each. As a result, they ex-communicated hundreds of men out of the group and cut off all ties with them. And there were no widows - if a man died, his wives were reassigned to other men by the group's leaders.

Yes x2boys the TV money must make a big difference to their lifestyle. In the article I read, all the 2nd-and-subsequent wives with their many children were classed as single-parent households by their state, so claimed plenty in welfare payments.

How have I not seen this before?! Off to YouTube some episodes

That Duggar family. Shame on them. Looking snootily down their noses at everyone else even after what the brother did to his sisters.

They excommunicated 100’s of men , I just don’t understand how they think this would work on a global scale! It would mean that millions of men could not marry or procreate..............so what happens to them?I have nothing against plural marriage/relationships if all parties are happy with it, but it’s always bothered me that it doesn’t seem sustainable and I don’t know where to find the answers.

I had a colleague from Africa, (I forget his country and religion), who had two wives. He would tell men most earnestly that it was a very bad idea and a difficult balancing act.

It's called Three Wives,One Husband

^
Yessss, that I have watched. Very compulsive viewing. Same questions though - how do they make their money?

There is also a really hot farmer in it, he's some sort of a polygamous cowboy. I was quite taken with him

Finished watching series 5, the last 2 episodes are "Sister Wives Tell All" with the 4 wives and husband having a chat with an interviewer, with clips from the show. It reinforced for me that all 4 of the wives are intelligent, educated and interesting people, whereas Kody is one-dimensional and not very bright. I think that's what makes the whole lifestyle so bewildering to me - these women aren't submissive, downtrodden and uneducated, yet they have deliberately chosen to be a plural wife. Christine made the point that she always wanted to be a third wife. I just can't imagine having that mindset - I guess the religion itself must be doing a great brainwashing job.

The plans for the new house look amazing! Hoping that there'll be a new series where we can follow the construction.

You need to read The Ashley who covers this show and lots of other reality shows like Teen Mom. She recaps episodes and is just hilarious. Go back and look at the archives and you'll be able to catch up

I believe poloy marriages can work. But most people mess it up. My old employer was in one until she left. Afterwards she still meet up with her ex sister wife. She prefer her to her ex-husband. She said after the divorce and jealousy out of the way, she was able to form a friendship with her.