Advice Needed

[Midships]

Hello, I feel sick inside right now. My husband cannot stand my son-n—law. This is my 2nd marriage and he has never had children or ever looked after any. I recently had to cancel a visit to see my daughter due to Covid soI invited her and her family to stay with me during the weeknd husband is away visiting his mum. I thought this wd be a good compromise and more relaxing for us, but when I told him he insists that son in law is not allowed here. Husband feels he has been taken for a ride with him because Son in law is tight with money and a scrounger, so he does have a point, but I now feel I’ve been put in a terrible position and do not want to ruin my very good relationship with my daughter, who will, naturally defend her husband. I know that son in law is extremely tight and this does need addressing as it has become an issue, but I feel that making me ban him from the house is extreme. Husband argues and wears me down with his points until I agree. I don’t know if I should explain this to my daughter. Any advice gratefully received.

What a horrible situation. Has your SIL actually done anything specific to make your husband feel this way, or is it just your SIL nature that your husband doesn't like? Does he forget to pay for his share of dinner when you go out? Does he owe you money he refuses to pay back?

If your husband just doesn't like your SIL because of his ways, it's a bit harsh to want to ban him from the house. I'm wondering what the history is. Either way, you need to sort it out for the sake of your daughter. Does your husband like her? If you think you're husband is being unreasonable and you truly believe you and you're daughters relationship will become strained, you need to tell your husband your daughter comes first.

Does your daughter think her husband (your SIL) is tight and difficult? If she does, you might be able to find a happily solution.

Thankyou kittenpeak, the meaness began right at the start, about 14 yrs ago when husband I got together and gave them £1000’s worth of items because we moved in together and didn’t need 2of everything. We hired a van to take the goods to them, then all went to a cafe. SIL was just in front of us at the till and never offered to pay for the coffees. This has been ongoing ever since. Most times either my daughter and I meet for the day somewhere or I visit them. But last time I did persuade husband to come with me as daughter was in a panto. There was no hospitality, daughter had to leave early to get ready and I had to ask for something to eat. SIL said he didn’t want anything as they had eaten a big lunch, knowing we were coming it was bad not to have anything ready. I have always been a good provider and wouldn’t dream of not feeding my guests or family. I can see my husband’s point but it still puts me in an awkward position.

I’ve come back to my post because I’ve been thinking a lot about this situation today. I have decided not to say anything to my daughter and SIL, because, I don’t want to alienate them and was thinking how will SIL feel and react when I visit them after saying he can’t come to our house. He may also turn around and say he doesn’t want me in his home. I think I’ll be able to find little strategies to coax SIL into paying for a few things ie, suggest we go halves or, I’ll get the food and you buy the drinks etc., I have two lovely grandchildren that I want to see, so I think it’s my husband who is in the wrong here. I think he’d be happy if I fell out with my children, but its not going to happen. He is being controlling and I will only put up with so much before I walk out. I wanted to say these things because I know that other people must find themselves in similar situations. He will ask soon if I have spoken to my daughter and this will be my answer. It won’t be pretty from him, and if he really insists that my SIL cannot visit then I will visit them or, we will meet somewhere for the day. What husband fails to realise is that he will have put another nail in the coffin towards a divorce.

OP as compromise can you say re COVID you won’t be food prepping & can they bring their own food, you will take turns in kitchen - pay for own takeaways etc? Then SIL is only taking air, water & toilet roll from you (DH)

Thanks Pantsomine, some good points there.