Relocation advice - straight talking!

[checkedcloth]

I would really appreciate some straight talking advice.

DH and I are considering relocating to Devon, from Surrey. We have some friends in the country but no family. We have two DC’s aged 10 and 8. Clearly this would uproot our children from their schools and friends (both of which they love).

We have massively outgrown our house, we are town centre and I’m fed up with not being able to park near our house after an hours drive home from work. House prices where we are are crazy, we cannot afford the 4 bed detached house that we would love.

My salary would stay the same, I’m a senior nurse in the NHS and DH could work remotely from home. So our money would go so much further.

I my head I believe we would have such an improved quality of life, more outdoor activities, beaches, great local food etc. I’m conscious that this may be influenced by visits to friends which are breaks/holidays and not real life.

We’d like to live in a village / small town with good access to beaches and the county.

Are we absolutely crazy to do this? Is it totally irresponsible to move your kids like this?

I’d love some straight talking advice from anyone who has been through this and made either decision.

Thank you

Considering the negative feedback about country/small Devon town living, and as you are flexible re location, can you think about different areas?
Somewhere cheaper than where you are now (not hard I imagine) with easy access to countryside/ maybe beach, but walking distance of secondary school, close to larger towns and decent public transport.
Sussex coast? Hampshire?

I would think very carefully about doing this .
Visiting an area is very different from living in it.
As previous posters have said your DC will not always be happy to go to the beach with you , before you know it they will be older , more independent and want to meet friends in their own. This will be much easier in Surrey than some parts of Devon. There is also much more to do in Surrey than Devon - beaches and moors are beautiful but not always enough to entertain teens .
We moved to Devon When our DC were 10 and 13 ( husband’s job)
We were quite keen on the move - I moved around a lot as a child ( 8 times, 4 different schools ) so am used to settling into new areas.
It was tough - DC made friends but they came from all around so required a lot of planning and driving to meet up with them, it took so ling to get to Devon, friends and family rarely visited, the weather was awful ( start watching the forecast carefully, you will see how often it rains there compared to Surrey) , the locals were not friendly , schools were not good .
I would look very carefully at the transport links, the standard of schooling, the journey times should you wish to travel to see friends, what your DC could do when they are older and more independent.
We had gone with a very positive mindset but the timing was not right. Think it would have been better if the DC had been under 5 or over 15 - so we could have met other parents at toddler activities or left the DC at home so we could join clubs etc
In the end close proximity to beaches and beautiful moors was not enough to keep us there - with huge relief we moved away after 3 years .
There are many more places you can move to that you could afford bigger houses , have a better lifestyle but not be so far away from your current friends .

I live in the SW. Not a particular tourist spot but when I want to go to the local beaches and Beaty spots it’s very very busy and the motorway and main A road is a nightmare.

I am a taxi service to my children. They do ride bikes to friends and places (parks etc) within a 2/3 mile radius but anything else is me. The public transport is almost non existent.

There are lots of house parties and drugs floating about and I know that’s true for lots of places, but I wonder if there is MORE drug taking and tolerance out here in the sticks as there is nothing else to do?

That being said my DS surfs, sails, plays footy and has a wide range of friends with parents with lovely large homes with pools! So that is rather nice.

Dd does gymnastics and was scouted for a better club which was more than an hours drive away. It’s just a non starter. Her bestie travels 1.5 hours every Saturday to attend an alone ballet corps. So factor that in.

I could have written your post. We did it and I am so so much happier.... we all are.
Could you do private school if necessary?

Would you consider Cumbria? As you've got family there. You could afford the house you wanted and the different lifestyle, with the benefit of family support nearby.

I'm not being critical of Devon per se, my home town is on the Kent coast within 1hr 10 of London. The town would probably not be considered rural by many people's estimation. It's just the case that outside of medium to large towns or cities public transport is virtually non-existent. I'm sure the same thing applies to the Sussex and Hampshire coastlines and more interior parts of the counties as well.

Good idea to go and spend some time in the area you're thinking of in November, or even better in February.

Is Surrey really much easier for teens to get around alone unless you live in somewhere like Guildford? A friend moved near Dorking & complains she is a taxi service.

We moved to the countryside and it was the worse move we ever made.

Is that where you live now @Oliversmumsarmy?

However I love where we live and I think we have a wonderful work/life balance.

I would consider a move to Cumbria myself.

My parents made this move when I was 11 and my sibling 8. It was the worst possible thing that could have happened to me at that age. The school was very poor, especially when compared to what I would have gone to. I struggled to fit in and everything seemed so behind what I had come from. There was so much less to do for teenagers and I was so close to being able to do a lot of it. No ice rink, big leisure centre, decent shops, sports facilities, cinema which were all within 10-20 mins where we had come from. My parents had this idea that we’d spend loads of time on the beach but it didn’t happen after the first few months. And the locals never used them so I didn’t go on them with friends. I remember so vividly crying on the motorway all the way down! I went to uni eventually and never looked back, and my sibling did the same. If you do choose to go then please think about their teen experience and how you’ll make that the best it can be. And believe them when they say they’re not happy and talk to them as much as you can. Ask what they need/want and act on it. Mine just shut me down and I ended up resenting them. Still do now really.

We moved to the country when eldest was entering Y6. He transitioned just fine. Younger one didn't, but was never going to tbh. If you wait for the 'perfect' time it will never come. Your children are young enough to adapt. Don't let that hold you up if everything else looks good

Thank you all. Loads of experiences here to draw upon.

A move to Cumbria is out of the question. DH will need to travel to Reading maybe once a fortnight - and although DH has family there, we are not close.

I am really worried about the experience of teenagers and what their needs are in the future.

DH won’t consider other areas other than Devon, I’ve tried so hard to open him to places in Hants and Sussex but he won’t.

I’m grateful for so many honest responses. This would be so easier to leave behind if I didn’t hate living in our house so much

gigglybiz

No we are back in London. Financially we lost everything we had built up.
I don’t think I spoke to anyone after the first few months. We were there 12 years.
Dp loved the pub. (I don’t drink) and he didn’t want to move.

Eventually he agreed and the day we left we might have been broke but I was so happy to be out of the place

checkedcloth
You live in probably one of the most expensive areas of the country. Would moving to another home county be an option or even looking at another area that you can get more house for your money without going too far. I am the outer reaches of North London and there are a lot of 4 bed detached within 10 miles for a lot less than £750,000 and North London/South Herts is considered to be quite expensive.
Somewhere like Essex, Kent, Buckinghamshire and even Sussex on the coast could be worth a look.
I am thinking that eventually your children will go to university then come home and if you are within commuting distance to London or even another big city it is going to be more practical.

Would there be a choice of jobs for them around Devon. Or would they end up renting in London or elsewhere and end up not being able to save to buy anything.

I grew up in Plymouth, my parents now live in thurlestone, very close to kingsbridge. It’s a lovely part of the world. The beaches around that area are amazing. BUT I go down with my 4 children and the older ones have nothing to do when we are there. They are happy, they see my family and have beach walks etc but could not imagine living there.
Kingsbridge has very little too, an OK gym and leisure centre, a pretty rubbish cinema and some pubs.
I live on the Hampshire coast, having moved from London. It’s the least I could (personally) offer my children. 1.5 hours to London and good shopping, restaurants and nightclubs within about 30 mins. Even then I am taxi for one night a week at least!
I would go there in February and see what you really think!! I know kingsbridge inside out but can’t think of too much to say about it!

@Oliversmumsarmy I got confused as I'm sure I remember you saying you lived in z6, some of those areas are very different to z2 & involve lifts for kids etc.

Thanks all again. Didn’t sleep much last night as so much going on in my head. It sounds like the experience of teen parents suggest this wouldn’t be a good move.

I’d love Sussex area, Chichester through to Hassocks - we’d still get more for our money, but don’t think DH will entertain this. Does anyone know much about this area?

I think DH is your problem? Can you get him to really open up about this? Sounds like it needs talking through. Does he really understand your feelings? Make sure you have made your wishes and thoughts really clear to him. Sit down with him and write bullet points down together. Find out what he does and doesn't want and why.
Posters here can tell you their stories but it doesn't tell the whole story - your story. Most of my friends wouldn't have made the move we did but that doesn't mean anything to me. I have never been happier. I too HATED our house before. Some people have never lived in a cramped house in a horrible area..... I did, and it really, really affected me negatively. Now I feel like anything is possible as I have space and peace and countryside. Sorry if that sounds nuts!!

whatisheupto Thank you for that, it doesn’t sound nuts at all - in fact you’ve really hit the nail on the head. DH is ok living here. Well, he’d like to move but the things that really upset me don’t mean as much to him. So if there is noise coming from the Music venue, he never asks them to turn it down, that’s left to me. Same thing if the neighbours are noisy - I do it because he’s not as bothered.

He has been clear that he will not be pursuing any more promotions at work. He has a good job, not too stressful and manageable in working hours. I’m the one on the career trajectory (I earn more than him now) but it comes at a cost of high stress, long hours and a long commute.

I feel so trapped. Trapped by our house, the impossible costs of where we live. Trapped that my husband isn’t as motivated to move and trapped that the kids would be heartbroken if we moved them from their schools.

gigglybiz I do live in zone 6 but I was trying to point to looking at other Home Counties that have good commutes in that have much cheaper housing and also future proofing when dc need to go to work when they come back after Uni
Even Brighton has a good link into London and has the added benefits of the sea side on your doorstep.
Or moving to nearer a larger city where there is employment.

The ops dh might work remotely now but what about the future. No job is guaranteed and to go and live in an area where the job market might be a little restrictive just doesn’t seem practical

I grew up in Devon. Don't move to a village. Your teens will hate you. A town would be better. Which area of Devon are you looking at?

As I said, I'm in Devon, and I hate it but hey. One thing, there is a lot of driving when drinking. This is largely due to their being no public transport so people just have to drive if they want to socialise and, it seems, there's not much 'designated driver' either.

The richer kids get driving lessons for their birthday when 17 and then a car for their 18th. Slightly poorer kids get mopeds/scooters at 17. The rest get lifts from parents or their friends. Their friends who will also be out drinking with them.....

We live halfway up a hill, in a town which is vaguely touristy and vaguely farmy. Lots of tractors and other farm vehicles. The hill is fun to go down very fon a powerful motorbike especially when you're not thinking "tractor!!!!!". I think we lose a teenager a year to that.

That first para I wrote about drinking and driving - that's not the kids, it's the adults.

And therefore the kids as well.

He has been clear that he will not be pursuing any more promotions at work. He has a good job, not too stressful and manageable in working hours

What happens if he loses that job?
I would worry that if you move to Devon it could be more difficult for him to get another job and he would use that excuse to give up work altogether.

Dp has been in jobs where he has been comfortable and they haven’t ever lasted