I love my friend but she's emotionally exhausting.

[MacduffsMuff]

We go through the same cycle all the time. She is constantly troubled/overthinking/overwhelmed/overlooked/tense. All her own words regarding her feelings. She perceives so many things as a slight from people (usually innocuous stuff that would offend no one). She messages me, I say the same things each time and she feels better and they cycle continues. I want to help her, I really do, I know she suffers from anxiety. I just don't know what else to say or do. It's constant.

Not intending to diagnose someone online: immediately diagnoses someone online. Mumsnet, center of the universe for armchair psychologists.

honestly lighten your load and just block her.....

she does not care about you ... horrible but someone that cares about you would have remembered you were having chemo or if they had forgotten the day ... would have been very apologetic and concerned...

you are obviously a nice person to have been there for her for this long.... but enough is enough -...

she is probably totally unaware of the negative affect she is having on you and the relationship - she might be totally mortified to find out what is happening to you because of her... and telling her might be the jolt that she has needed to step out of this cycle, could yoube a good friend and tell her in a way that wouldnt mortify her? i used to be 'her', and i had nothing good to share, so i ended up with zero friends...and i understand that totally.. who wants a negative nelly around... and i have learnt to winge to myself, and to be outwardly positive... can you offer her a gift along with the your truth... so that you make a point that you still care, and want to still care and be friends... gift her something special.. an ornament... a massage coupon... something special... so that she can get over the hurt and embaressment and at the same time change her ways... she has got to grow up.... her life is in your hands!!!! be very careful... say that the effect she is having on you worries you because one day you may say something hurtful... and you desperately don't want to do that... make sure she understands her feelings are your utmost priority... then she may make the changes and become someone you truly truly love... again

I had a friend who I thought was a good friend but also found emotionally exhausting. She always said how much she valued my friendship & what a wonderful person I was, but I still found it a bit draining as I spent hours listening to her, been there for her and generally trying to help her. Anyway, one day I was going into hospital and desperately needed someone to watch my kids for an hour so my DH could pick me up after the procedure. I tried to avoid asking her as I knew she always seemed to have a lot on her plate, but I was desperate. She told me quite casually that she couldn't do it as her boyfriend was visiting. I was upset as I was worried about hospital, and ended up sending her a message to let her know I'd been hurt that she hadn't been willing to make an effort to help. No reply. I sent another message which was quite conciliatory (I was willing to make). Still no reply. I haven't heard from her since, but the strange thing is that in some ways it was a relief not to have to shoulder her emotional burden anymore.

Friendship should be based on experiences, or fun, or similar sense of humour or shared interests, not on being someone's unpaid counsellor.

I would just ignore her for a while OP. If she asks what's wrong, tell her how shitty it was of her to badger you while you were going through chemo.

I have a sibling like this. Tbh they do have the criteria for a personality disorder. I mainly just grey rock them nowadays.

OP, as you're having chemo, do you have enough people around to be taking care of you properly, collecting you from hospital etc?

If ever there was a time to be putting yourself first, this is it. You should be doing as much "self care" as possible and eliminating stress. You should absolutely not be subjected to other people's stress right now.

Midsomermurderess I accept it can be read like that, but do skip the "if" and "possibly" to make your case...
it would seem the preferred general 'diagnosis' is 'self centered and uncaring user or abuser' anyway.

Sorry to hear you’re undergoing chemo OP. Sending you healing vibes.

If she’s a good friend I think I would try being honest with her. Face to face if poss or phone or email if not if you think you might forget what you’re intending (you can write it down)
Along the lines of

Have you noticed that you seem really anxious these days and the same things keep upsetting you, like x y z? Last month it was z y x, but it’s the same things that always upset you and you tell me and I care a lot about you and I try and help but to be honest I don’t think I am because next month the same problems come up. I hate to see you so upset.

I don’t know how to support you as you are a good person and deserve to be happy, but this cycle just keeps going round and I’m clearly no good at helping you or the cycle would be broken already and you’d be happy.

I think a proper counsellor would be the thing you need. It helped before better than I could so is that something you could try again?

Another reason that I’m mentioning this is because I’m going through a tough time just now with the chemo and I need YOUR support to keep ME going this time!

I need happy positive vibes.
I’m stressed out my head as well and in just not able to take in any more stress.
I care about you and your family a lot and it makes me upset when I see you struggling.
I’m sure you feel the same about me when I’m struggling, like now.
So the best way to support each other is both get counselling (I’m with Maggies centre) and we try and keep each other’s spirits up and not upset each other. Corona virus is upsetting everyone. We need to be happy. Does that sound like a plan....

If that doesn’t stop her nothing will. And if she walks away so be it. You’ve said all nice stuff. You’ve told her your problems, exaggerated so she gets a fright.
If she’s a leech she will probably back off as she’s a taker not a giver.

PS you don’t need to get counselling if you don’t need it but it gives her the message she needs that she has to stop thinking if only herself and that taking positive action is the way to go herself.

Good luck OP.

MacduffsMuff I am really sorry for what your going through with chemo and your friend's behavior towards you on top of it.

I think my experiences taught me to recognize we can only be "made to feel "responsible for the others happiness" if we take on that role.
We may feel we have to take it on, but did the other person honestly actually make us?
Because (at the risk of more possibly more armchair psychology!) no matter what they've said or threatened to do, or what we believe, it's actually us choosing to take on that responsibility even when it's being pushed at us.

Try and let go of any guilt if you're feeling it, and look after yourself. Your friend is either unwilling or incapable of showing care and concern for you, but it all comes down to the same end result for you, so you really need to look after your needs first right now.

her life is in your hands!!!! be very careful

This is just it - I don't want it to be this way. She has a husband, parents that she's really close to and two gorgeous kids - I don't want to be terrified to say the wrong thing sometimes.

I've said in the past that sometimes she is too full on with me and that I don't want to feel 'responsible' for her. She just says 'oh you know what I'm like, it's just the way I am' but I just think that's a cop out.

Well she obviously knows you aren't going to do a thing about it. Not if she's so dismissive of you.

I would have started to hate her a little bit by now. You're a very nice person OP. But yep, a mug I'm afraid. Sorry.

It is a cop out. You deserve better.

She demands your attention while you're going through cancer treatment? How on earth can you call her a friend? She clearly doesn't care about you or your health. Best dump her and find/keep friends that care about you. You sound like a nice person and deserve some care.

Hi OP, hope you feel better soon. I have a work colleague exactly the same as this. I really sympathise with you. I think seeing as she is a "friend" you can limit contact. I just dont know what to do with my colleague. She im me about 80 times a day complaining about her depression. I feel like i cant cope anymore and just want to move jobs.

Perhaps if you don’t want or need (with your own burdens) a difficult big move like cutting her off could you compose your own message.
I was thinking along the lines of laying out your current situation and your own mental health needs that you don’t feel able to offer further support and are taking a break from your phone, contact etc to concentrate on yourself.
This doesn’t Totally cut contact or make it blow up into a drama and it could pave the way for low contact in future? If she doesn’t understand you need this then that’s says it all really and then I would just cut contact.

That's incredibly manipulative @Callardandbowser

I feel for you. I’m in a similar situation with a friend. I still try to be there for her but have moved away so there’s a bit of distance which helps. Still get lots of texts though.

It is easy for friendships to lose their mutual balance and descend into that of a dependent and unpaid councellor/ carer. It happened to me with a school friend going through anorexia and OCD. Lots of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt was involved) and for a long time, I was afraid of finding additional friends to meet my social needs that weren't being met incase she harmed herself. In my case going to university made a natural break, and once I wasn't a readily avaliable crutch to her, within months she slipped from my life and never returned any contact.

Many of my friends have experience of anxiety or phases of depression, but they have all been mutual friendships and I've never been a crutch since.

Right now you have a need to be supported or at least have the space to manage yourself without being bombarded by multiple messages each day. She is not treating you as a mutual friend, and you are within the realms of reasonable behaviour to retreat from that.

viccytwiffy her life is in your hands!!!

No, absolutely not - her life is in her hands, it's got nothing to do with the OP. Don't blame others for your own feelings, own them and deal with them.

OP, also, I can't not mention the fact that you are 'terrified' to say the wrong thing...to a friend...does that sound like a relaxed and healthy relationship to you? Of course her life isn't in your hands, if you walk away, she will find the next person to listen endlessly to her problems. Don't be deluded into thinking that you are the only person who can do this. I say this because I often fall into that trap myself. It is just not true.

. I'm sorry you need to have chemo. Calling you that much is crazy.

I've also been trapped in that cycle. You need to put yourself first as they just won't. Do you have anyone who could answer the phone for you and say 'Macduff has just had chemo and is feeling awful, she'll call you tomorrow? Or text her that. If she can't cope with that then she really needs professional help. As awful as this sounds, your chemo is a really legitimate way to put on boundaries now as you need to look after yourself.

• put in boundaries.

She’s not really a friend, is she. You’re her unpaid counselor and she gives you bugger all!

I’d back off, OP, and take care of yourself.

I can see why you're fed up with this situation OP. Right now you need support and she is draining your energy.

What do you think about just being honest. Tell her, you care, but right now you need to concentrate on getting well and could she please find someone else to talk to about her issues?

If you think she would take notice I'd give it a try, if she continues you may have to block her.

I know she doesn't mean to be so self centered, but her issues are not your responsibility.

This woman is acting as if you are her on-call crisis team/unpaid counsellor, with a duty to always to be available to soothe her... This would be unbearable in a normal period of time, but when you are ill and going through chemo, and dealing with all of this in a pandemic, this is preposterous.

Her behaviour is not normal. Hence suggestions of personality disorders. (I'd suggest HPD, myself!)

You're having bloody chemo, and this is a bit of an inconvenience, interrupting usual service for her! This is surely the time to stiffen up and set some hard boundaries for this one-way-street of a friend. I would draw a very hard line: "Until I am through my treatment in X weeks/months, I am going to focus on my own health, peace, and relaxation. Therefore..."

Really, it is not your job to find her an actual paid therapist. Or to find her some other mug to unload her angst on. But therefore "I cannot be in this role of constantly reassuring you, or answering your texts, your calls when I don't answer your texts whilst receiving chemo, etc."

This must be conveyed to her, but firstly strongly to yourself. Then you have to act on your boundary, in whatever way becomes necessary. Repeat, repeat, if need be block her/pause her. Alternatively, wait until you explode one day and block her then.

It is sad, as she is someone you care about and for. But she will not change her behaviour, see she is being unreasonably demanding, or put you first. So you will have to be "the bad guy". Which is hard for nice, kind, people, but is always the way in these situations, I have found.

Your health, your peace of mind, your stress levels, these things matter, you know.