I’m a massive people-pleaser but I want to stop - any advices ?

[Italianmoma1983]

I want to hear from people who used to be people-pleaser and managed to stop. I’m way to kind, go out of my way to help people (sometimes without even being asked). I’m unable to say no. I want to change, I’m reading on the subject but I feel overwhelmed. How do you say no without being too blunt ? Without hurting feelings? Without risking losing people ? Thank you !

I also have this problem !!!! I have had counselling for it. My counsellor recommended a book called the disease to please which is good. I feel I am a little better at having boundaries now although I do still suffer with guilt etc. Sorry it’s not much help but you are not alone ! Xxx

Just to add I would recommend trying counselling if you can. It helps you to work out why you are a people pleaser in the first place which makes it easier to set proper boundaries xxx

@MrsSugar Thank you for the recommendation:) oh yes constantly feeling guilty and I also say sorry a lot. I think counselling is a good idea, I have one that I could get in touch with again. We never touch on the subject of people-pleasing

Stop thinking of it as ‘kind’, for a start. It isn’t. Kindness is when you freely choose to do a favour for someone, not when you allow yourself to be exploited because you’re terrified of people disliking you if you refuse, and doing so over and over, often for people who don’t even like, to the point where you’re pigeon-holed as a ‘service-provider’, not a friend people choose to have in their lives regardless of their usefulness.

Kindness used to be underrated, now it’s overrated. The first person you need to be kind to is yourself. Then it’s your own family. Then whoever else you prioritise.
If you’re being kind to people who are using you, then you’re doing a disservice to yourself.
You just have to learn to say no. Come up with an excuse if it helps.
If you can’t say no straight away, always make your first response be ‘I’m not sure I can. Can I get back to you?’ Then that gives you time to think it through and send a polite message saying ‘no’

If you feel overwhelmed just start by phasing it in gently.
How to say no without being blunt, you can always say I’ll need to check and get back to you, then say no.
Without hurting feelings just word it nicely but still say no.
Worried about loosing people, if you loose people because you have started setting boundaries then they are worth loosing imo.

Once you’ve done it a couple of times you’ll get the hang of it.
Have a few stock phrases on hand

Slow down.
When you’re asked for something, literally pause and say, I’ll get back to you.
‘Can you feed my cat next week?’=
‘... let me check a few things and get back to you.’
When you’re about to ask for something, pause and cut out the apology/ self deprecation.
‘I’m sorry to ask and I know you’re really busy but could you pick up your dry cleaning?’ =
‘Don’t forget your dry cleaning’

^ the point of the pause and I’ll get back to you is that it gives you time to reflect on whether you’re doing something because it’s ok and appropriate or because you can’t
say no. You can also choose your medium of communication.

‘Can you feed my cat next week?’=
‘... let me check a few things and get back to you.’
Text- sorry, can’t help with tiddles who scratched me last time you went away for a month leaving her with no food and me with septicaemia or text or phone call, yes, what does she eat, what shall I do in an emergency and when are you back?

I’ve been placed in the ‘service provider’ role a lot in my life (great way of putting it Nellie) and am slowly un-learning it. I have a great counsellor too and can recommend finding someone who is just focussed on you and helping you make the changes you want. I often have an ‘alternative script’ running in my head when I’m with people, usually it’s a lot tougher and more assertive than what actually comes out of my mouth, and it says what I’m noticing about the interaction with the other person - not that it’d always be appropriate to voice it, but listening to it a bit more is a start.