Hello
This will be long sorry but will try to be as concise as possible.
I don't have anyone I can talk to in RL about this. It's a tricky and sensitive subject for me. I am lucky to have had an upbringing where I was well looked after and never wanted anything but my dad could be (and still is ) quite difficult. He himself had a much more difficult upbringing, grandfather was tyrannical, abusive, quite insane according to my dad. His dad was too apparently although I never met either as they both died before I was born. I know this has affected my dad and his siblings, which is totally understandable.
Dad has always provided , always been there for me, would help me with anything, fantastic grandfather, helped me out financially, listens to me, he's lovely and everything I could want in a dad and I adore him. However some days he can be a bit Jekyll and Hyde, will snap my head off, be irritable, volatile mood swings and downright strange with his unpredictability. There's no malice ,I know that. He's the quietest, politest man you could meet. It's very odd. I know for a fact he carries a lot of burdens from his childhood.
I myself have always been aware that I'm 'odd', so to speak. I worry that I've inherited some weird quirks from my dad's side of the family. I've always done well academically but struggle socially at times, feel like a square peg in a round hole. People know me as a nice person but see me as eccentric and a bit zany. My mum said it was widely believed I had Aspergers years back but it wasn't confirmed. I do meet a lot of the criteria for being autistic. I don't know if this is something I've inherited?! Just feel odd at times. I've always suffered with anxiety and stress and mild depression but anxiety is the main problem for me, as well as low self-esteem. Again I don't know if these are as a result of inheriting them or if it's just the way I am.
Last week dad asked for a lift somewhere, was annoyed at being late (he made us late, I arrived to collect him on time, he wasn't ready) so proceeded to slam my car door, kept sighing loudly and wouldn't speak to me during the car journey. I was nearly in tears when we arrived. Then 2 hours later he was chatting away as normal and gave me £20 to treat my two children.
He will often snap at me in front of people, be quite demeaning towards me too. For example, my uncle asked me how my studies were coming along (I'm doing a part time degree course) and when I answered him my dad seemed intolerant and kept rolling his eyes slightly and saying "mmm, yeah ,ok, mmm right we get the picture" like as if he didn't want me telling people how well I was doing. It's embarrassing and he does show me up like this a lot. In a way it's quite cruel however I'm sure he doesn't mean it like that. My self esteem has always been terrible so doesn't do me any favours. On the other hand he is very defensive of me and will not have a bad word said about me and has always stuck up for me through thick and thin.
It's very confusing. He is lovely but has a difficult flip side. Sorry for the long post but I could sit and sob today. I have such a deep seated feeling of loneliness/inadequacy although I have many friends and acquaintances. I sometimes dread social events as I can be awkward but once I'm there I'm bubbly and chatty and enjoy it. When I get home i sit and overthink and worry I've said or done something wrong in front of everyone. Then I'm lonely because the social event is over. It's a very odd feeling. Anyone have anything similar or tell me I'm not going nuts! Sorry I don't make a great deal of sense!