Anyone else not get "mum guilt"?

[funnyonion1]

I have a 2.5yr old and 1.5yr old and never experienced "mum guilt".

Really not trying to be goady as I know a lot of women struggle with work-life-children juggle but I just wonder if I'm the only one who has never felt guilty or like a "shit mum", or less than or that I'm not doing a good job, because I think I'm doing a really good job actually! Anyone else think they're actually a good parent?? I can't be the only one!

Is mum guilt exclusive to WOH mums or do SAHMs also experience this?

Mum guilt happens either when you have clashing obligations or when your child struggles with problems you can't fix for them.

(Some people also create mountains out of molehills, almost needing something to worry about, but that's more a manifestation of excess anxiety.)

You're only 2.5 years in. You're coping well (presumably have sufficient support), you've avoided the 'back to work' priority clash, and quite likely you haven't had any other significant clash of obligations yet. You almost certainly will at some point over the next 20 years or so! Problems you can't fix for your child also tend to happen when they are older. (Children's needs are quite simple when they are so small)

It does depend on your self-concept too, whether you take it personally, berating yourself for not being able to do more, or whether you just shrug and say 'life is never perfect, but we're doing ok'. Men seem more likely to take the later view than women - hence it being called Mum guilt - but of course that's a huge generalisation.

Enjoy your lovely children, don't rush towards problems that aren't there, and wishing you all the best for raising your family.

I never have because I think it is a made-up thing and I refused to take it on board, it's aimed at making women who have children feel as though they can't do anything for themselves, can't have a social life/friends/interests other than raising kids. Stay at home or you're not a "good mum". Bollocks to that.

Is there such a thing as dad guilt? We NEVER hear anything about dad guilt because men, once they have reproduced, are still allowed to work/go out/have hobbies.

I got mum guilt when I was a SAHM during DS's baby and toddler years because I knew I wasn't really cut out for it. I don't get it now I'm working, I have had it during lockdown but that's because he's been isolated from other children for so long (only child) and that's something that was out of my control.

I did when I had my first. I never went back to work until he was 12, even then I studied when he was at school and worked nightshifts so he wouldn’t notice. I was with him all the time, never left his side.

He’s 18 now and didn’t/hasn’t appreciated a fucking second of it. I put my life on hold, sacrificed any sort of career to be with him - it had no impact on him at all.

Never again. Got a younger child and I’m pregnant again. I don’t feel any sort of guilt about working or having my own life now.

Im a WOH mum and I don't feel any guilt. I'be never heard of anyone suffering 'dad guilt'

It's yet another stick used to beat women....I'm not buying into it.

I think I'm a good parent some of the time, and that I could do better at other times. Like anything in life - I'm not perfect at it, but neither do I think I'm shit at it. Parenting has natural ups and downs, doesn't it. If I feel guilty in relation to my daughter it's usually because i know I could have done a bit better with something. It's not an inappropriate guilt that just pervades my life for no reason every day, though.

I had my DD14 at the age of 21, completely unexpected and not part of my life plan at that age. I went to uni 3 times whilst working full time and raising her with some help from family. Did I feel guilty for being a hard working, studying mum who consequently had a bit less time for her? At times, yes. Now she's older, do I feel guilty for being a hard working mum? No, because I've learned that I've taught her a work ethic and that good things in life come as a result of really hard work. She now has a better quality of life because of the graft I've put in throughout her life, and she'a now old enough to understand that. But equally we have a great relationship and are very close. So I know I must have done something right and been a "good enough" parent over the years.

It's yet another stick used to beat women....I'm not buying into it

My thoughts exactly.

‘ I got mum guilt when I was a SAHM during DS's baby and toddler years because I knew I wasn't really cut out for it. I don't get it now I'm working,’

This was the opposite for me, I had mum guilt when I was working and none as a Sahm. I also think I got it more as a new mum when my first was small and as they get older and you have more dc things change and the guilt goes. I used to stress about the most ridiculous things with my first!

@AlcoholicHippo

It's yet another stick used to beat women....I'm not buying into it

My thoughts exactly.

And mine. If you're doing your best, why feel guilty?

I need to correct that to most of the guilt as I have no idea what situation I will find myself in as they grow and can’t possibly predict guilt I may or may not feel.

I felt awfully guilty when DS was born as I felt I didn't have as much time for DD (2.5 at the time). I was doing fine really but I was young and the first of my friends to have kids plus I'd moved away and was a bit depressed. My kids are teens now and many of my friends are first time parents now at a much older age than I was (they are late 30's/early 40's) and seem much more confident in putting their own needs as a priority. One of the bonuses of being an older mum maybe!

I absolutely don't . Stop the glorification of busy and being perfect. I'm all about the ' good enough parent' . I feel that I am a good role model to my children who see a single mother working hard outside and inside the home and who also enjoys her own time. Too many martyrs

Feel it constantly. Wish daily that I could go back in time and do their childhood 'better'. I was a stay at home mum. Now working part - time. Didn't really change - don't feel guilty about not being there, just for being a crap mum. They're 18 and 16, one with autism, one is trans. Every day I wonder what I could have done differently.

It annoys me that this is a ‘thing’ and also annoys me to hear people talk about it for the most minor things. Why do people internalize this type of self flagellation?!

I sometimes fell guilty if I have got annoyed or dealt with something badly, but that’s no different to how I would feel if I did the same in any situation that didn’t involve my children. I don’t consider that mum guilt.

I never have. Then again, a lot of things that people seem to be constantly worried about as parents strike me as completely ridiculous. My own mother's aim was to get me and my siblings to adulthood alive and without any serious criminal convictions. She still proudly reminds us that we were never left behind on the bus.
I was born in 1990, so it's not like I'm harking back to the days where toddler's, if they weren't up chimneys, were roaming free miles from home without any supervision. But the idea that my mum couldn't go to the toilet on her own until her youngest child was 8, that she'd cook four different meals for four different children "because it's easier", that nothing could ever get done because each child needed one to one entertainment every minute of every day is laughable. It's no wonder people feel stressed and guilty when they feel the need to ensure a "perfect" childhood for their children. It's unattainable and it's scary how much it's propagated.

@somesseditup

I absolutely don't . Stop the glorification of busy and being perfect. I'm all about the ' good enough parent' . I feel that I am a good role model to my children who see a single mother working hard outside and inside the home and who also enjoys her own time. Too many martyrs

^This. No one is ever going to look back to their childhood and think that absolutely nothing went wrong. All you can hope for is that they look back and think it was pretty good.

It annoys me that this is a ‘thing’ and also annoys me to hear people talk about it for the most minor things. Why do people internalize this type of self flagellation?!

Hear, hear @PlatoAteMySnozcumber.

I sometimes fell guilty if I have got annoyed or dealt with something badly, but that’s no different to how I would feel if I did the same in any situation that didn’t involve my children. I don’t consider that mum guilt.

Absolutely.

'Mum guilt' is a ridiculous invention aimed at putting women back in their boxes, and naturalising the idea that it's impossible for a woman to have children and a career and a fulfilling life in other ways. See also 'having it all', and the ways in which this is apparently not applicable to men.

Deciding that you feel 'mum guilt' is as optional as a pedicure. Choose to feel it or not, but it doesn't make you a better person or a parent, and joke-moaning about it on social media is both tiresome and perpetuates the idea that it's some kind of real thing that kicks in as soon as you deliver the placenta.

Nope, I've never had mum guilt.

Chances are there's a good reason why I have had to do/not do something to the benefit/detriment of my children and as long as it's rational I see no reason for feeling guilty.

I have left my children with other people or to fend for themselves at times because I've needed a break from them. That is part of our collective mental health. My needs are just as important and it's all about finding a balance.

I have had to make some difficult decisions that had the potential to adversely affect the kids but I look at it as a whole not just the parts.

Nope.

Same as above, I figure I am doing my best. If I need to do something for a particular reason, then theres a reason for it and its just how life is.

There will always be choices to make, and decisions, and most people make one based on what will suit their family right now and in the future. Theres no need to feel guilty down the line if you think it maybe wasn't the correct one.

CaptainCorellisPangolin I wish we had a like button for posts! I agree with everything you have said.

I have said this before on here but I feel like parenting (specifically, let's be honest, motherhood) has become fetishised over the last few years. Rather than just something (most) people do and get on with as best they can. I think it is to our own detriment as women, I really do.

My needs are just as important and it's all about finding a balance

I think this is a very important point, I really do. You see it an awful lot on here that children absolutely must come first all the time, every single time. I have always disagreed with this. It isn't a popular opinion though!

I never felt guilt as a WOHM per se, but I did feel massively torn. Not at the ages of your two OP but later when DD1 had medical issues.

At that point paid childcare, however good, just wasn’t as good as a parent. Plus all the worry and research and appointments meant I wasn’t giving enough to my job- I felt guilty about that.

I’m now a SAHM and my guilt is about not doing more to help DD with her medical issues- mainly because she flat out refuses to do the exercises she is meant to 🙄.

If both DCs were straightforward and just chugged along nicely with life there would be no guilt, I think.

I didn't have it at all when my DC were younger - I did what I thought was best and didn't question things too closely. But it sets in a bit now they are older - I look back and question whether I should have been a sahm. Would they have been better off if I was bringing in money instead? Sometimes they have problems that I can't fix, which I feel bad about. As you get older you wonder whether the choices you made were the right ones.

As you get older you wonder whether the choices you made were the right ones.

My outlook is that I always believe I’m doing the right thing. That doesn’t mean I’m getting it right. Which is another reason for not feeling ‘mum guilt’. I aspire to be good enough as perfection is unrealistic.