Not sure what is normal in a relationship

[Confusedlady1989]

Hi all

I would really appreciate some advice with what is normal but just don’t feel I can speak to my friends or family as don’t want them to worry about me/know everything if I am over reacting! I can be quite sensitive (I’m a primary school teacher with maybe quite a positive nature and generally quite a people pleaser?!) so not sure if I am overreacting...my husband and I are early 30s and in short I adore him. We’ve been together since uni but only married 2 years and on the surface have a great life. We still have days or weeks where we get on really well, we do a lot of socialising/holidays happily with our friends (no kids yet) and we have a very active and good sex life still - but the caveat is that this depends on H’s mood. In the last year or so he regularly withholds affection from me if he is in a mood. I am the opposite of this - I don’t really get moody and am very affectionate. His mood very much depends on how his work is going (self employed) but he will never admit this and says it’s because of me..

Another background context: I had a very normal happy childhood but he was brought up in a bit of a strange way (quite controlling mum who is ‘nice’ but has her own issues) - he used to discuss this with me but now doesn’t, is quite defensive about it and pretends there was nothing wrong.

These things are not said in a tirade of abuse but he tells me: I’m self obsessed because I wanted to move from a place we had rented for years which was never our plan, I’m lazy because I don’t help enough with house work (I work full time and during term time I probably have different expectations to him but I ironically am quite good proud and do lots of chores!), I have a frumpy tummy (I’m 5 ft 10 and a size 8/10, regularly do exercise but H is quite obsessed with fitness), He prefers me when I was skinnier on the lead up to my wedding, I always prioritise seeing our friends over exercise (I pretty much have a normal balance with this I think), he kicked off the other day at having to pick me up at 10:30 (this is a very irregular occurrence) from drinks with some friends - I only had 3 drinks - and when I said babe what is the problem, I do the same etc for you, he said well you’re a better person than me. He also tells me I’m a baby and obsessed with seeing my family although we live 3 hours away from them, and he appears to really enjoy being with my family when he’s with them, suggests holidays with them etc. He says as I’m a teacher the world revolves around me and my term times. He doesn’t ever plan anything but is happy to go along with my plans for us (I essentially organise our social life) but then he moans about it afterwards. I feel like he’d be happy just working and that’s it sometimes? He doesn’t ever say I love you apart from after sex sometimes but for years he did. He is generally quite irritable if I mess things up as I can be quite scatty eg. If I forget something or drop something. I think the thing I find the hardest is I am always the one saying sorry and trying to make things work. It’s always on his terms. He gets really irritable if we’re on the phone and things like the signal go, or if I can’t use my logic with working out how to close blinds or follow directions. He has loads of faults but I don’t constantly tell him about them!! I probably should have been more assertive from the beginning but he was sooo lovely for years (everyone in my life adored him) and these things creep up on you - it’s only when I write it all down that I think bloody hell maybe this isn’t right. He never says sorry unless I really ask him to. I have tried to talk to him about how I feel but he just says I’m being over sensitive or going on and shuts me down - if he told me that I’d made him feel like that I would try to resolve it but he doesn’t show any remorse.

And yet we are about to buy our first house together and he’s really pushing for this so despite this apparent resentment towards me, he’s clearly not planning on leaving me...I’m very confused. He’s def not having an affair as I spend a lot of time with him.

I know all relationships have arguments and I’m sure I am very annoying sometimes (as we all are) but what should I do/do others have experience of this?? Thank you ladies xxx

Read about narcissists, if a lot of his behaviour rings true, consider your exit plan.

God he sounds like hard work , can you talk to him about his moods or does he just not acknowledge there is a problem?

He sounds awful so definitely don’t buy the house! It will make a relatively straightforward separation much more complicated. You could tell him why and give him the chance to change but I don’t expect he will. Whatever happens, don’t settle for a lifetime of being worn down by this behaviour.

This sounds awful you poor thing.
I would pull out of buying the house and tell him I'm not sure you even like me anymore. See how he responds. Get him to chase after you for the solution don't offer it to him. You'll see them if he's just slipped into bad, unkind habits or if he's checked out of the relationship.

He sounds horrible!

Sounds like he’s absolutely miles away from recognising his own moods and the effect on his behaviour. Next he’ll be telling you you’re abusive for pointing out that he’s being unpleasant. I think you’re right, it probably is stress related from his job. I don’t have any answers unfortunately, other than you’re not going mad.

To me it's not normal for your husband to call you names.
Sorry this is happening to you.

OP. He sounds quite a lot like my EXH who I only really realised after separating was a classic narcissist who'd been emotionally abusing me for about 5 of our 7 years together.

Think very carefully about whether you want to buy a house with this man x

Thank you for your replies so far - it’s confirming things that I have been thinking. He seems to be in a more positive mood this morning so I’m going to go for a walk with him and discuss his moods/that it’s not ok to talk to me like he does and the reasons for it. He definitely didn’t used to be like this so I know it is linked to his work/potentially emotionally checked out of our relationship?!...but as you all say, he probably won’t change even if we talk about it.

From those who you have been in relationships like this, do you think it’s even worth trying to wait for him to change/at the same time buy the house, or just cut my losses now. I can’t believe I’m writing this

OP l think you need to lose your shit with him quite frankly. You sound lovely and don't deserve to spend your life walking on eggshells. You sound quite soft if you don't mind me saying, which l used to be when l was younger but the benefit of getting older is that you get wiser and start putting yourself first sometimes. Shock him and say you are not putting up with it any more. Don't let him suck your personality and enthusiasm out of you xxx

I think you should tell him you are not going ahead with the house purchase until you have sorted your relationship issues. I would make it clear you will end the relationship unless things change as you are not happy and can’t live like that.

He sounds horrible and you have reached the stage where you are probably on eggshells and defensive all the time wondering what he is going to pick on next.

He doesn’t sound like he adds anything good to your life, and it seems from reading your post that he’s irritated with you a lot. That will not go away and you’ll tie yourself in knots trying to avoid annoying him. You really deserve more. Do not buy a house with him! And stop the retrospective ‘he used to be so lovely’, he’s not now.

I was engaged to a man like yours. I called it off thank goodness and my now Husband has never ever disrespected me or made me walk on eggshells. You need a really serious think about your future as from experience this behaveour will only get worse over time.

He's unkind to you and he's making you unhappy

I can tell you it will be so much worse if you have children together. Don't go any further with him unless he can change...but it sounds like it will only get worse with age and with things that can make people tired and more stressed out (such as owning a house and having babies)

Never wait for anyone to change. It won’t happen.

Cut your losses now, and don’t buy with him.

I spent 16 years living with a man like this! Walking on eggshells around his moods which were always my fault! Don't have kids with him and don't buy a house, this is not a good way to live. Please consider your future, you deserve better and he will only get worse.

We went for a walk this morning and I said I don’t want to be in a relationship with this name calling and that it was making me feel rubbish. He said he was sorry and he recognised that the more he was getting frustrated with life the meaner he was getting. I said he didn’t seem to realise how much his moods affect our relationship and he said he is stressed with work and needs to find a balance. Re: the moods he said he wants to have the connection with me but he sometimes feels so frustrated. I explained I lie there worrying what I’ve done wrong and he didn’t really show any empathy for that.

However, he didn’t cuddle or kiss me to say he was sorry and got frustrated because ‘it wasn’t the plan to have a chat on our walk and wanted to get home’. I thought about getting really pissed off and having it out with him like one of the posters said but it’s just not in my nature.

He also said he felt like he is always living my life and not his, and said ‘I’m not going to worry about the washing if you don’t’. He said maybe he needs to change his job as he feels guilty all the time as he runs his own business.

I am so scared to leave him as I just want an easy life and he can be so nice ☹️

Someone else has posted this link in another thread, it may be helpful to you:
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Also... you're size 8/10 and he prefers you skinnier? Do not have kids with him. It's not possible to stay skinnier immediately before and after childbirth, doesn't sound like he will have any patience with that.

He sounds like a passive aggressive bully and probably a narcissist. My ex was very similar. It's a subtle form of bullying and in my case my ex escalated his behaviour as time went on because I stopped reacting to his digs and criticisms. It sounds like everything is on your husband's terms, even to the point of him getting cross when you bring up the issue when you are on a walk because 'it wasn't his plan to have the chat on the walk'. That sounds eerily similar to my ex, who would refuse to discuss issues when I wanted to, and would always turn around things to try and make them my fault.

I am so much happier without him. You are not having an easy life with him, so please don't be scared of leaving him. He is very unlikely to change. I can recommend reading a book called 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. Abusive and manipulative behaviour can be quite subtle but please don't make excuses for your husband, he is not a good person.

Where to start...
So, you are tall and slim. Even if you were short and fat there is no excuse for criticising someone about their weight and fitness. It doesn't help. Support someone with their fitness goals, don't bully them into it.

Self obsessed? Why would you say that about someone you married. When you love someone, even if you see their flaws, you see them kindly- She enjoys looking good v she's vain for example.

He blames you for things which are not anything to do with you.

You have an intense job, and he knew that when you married. Teachers don't get much work life balance during term time. It's the downside of the holidays. Who earns more, out of interest?

"He also said he felt like he is always living my life and not his" excellent. Let him go and live his then, so you can get on with yours without the added weight of his bad temper.

Please don't wait for him to get better. He doesn't want to. I'd be devastated if I'd upset my husband. Really devastated and want to help him feel better. I wouldn't be complaining that he'd told me he was upset in the wrong way/at the wrong time, etc.

Honestly, move on. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy. Don't stay with him and try and make it better, just because you've been with him for some years.

He's only going to get worse, almost guaranteed.

You don't need this guy. you have a good job, good friends, great relationships with family, you are gorgeous and healthy and have a naturally happy and agreeable nature. Basically these are the vital components of a really happy life, and the only thing that can fuck it up for you is this guy.

He may be jealous, even - what does "he's living your life" mean? Does he have no friends or family of his own?

I would get rid of him. I bet if you do, he begs you to return and is horrified by what he has lost - but that's the thing with these grumpy, gloomy guys - they can't cope with cheerful women, the same cheerfulness that was so refreshing and attractive at first starts to grate and they start to resent the woman for it, and in the end they just you to be as miserable as them. Run while you can!