How can I become a better parent? Feel like I'm raising a monster

[beabettermum]

And I know it's all my fault.

I have a 4.5 year old about to start school. She was an angel until 3/3.5 years old. I've always been stressed worrying about money, employment and the relationship I have with her dad. I don't feel I've been able to parent her properly as it's very easy to push me over the edge and that's when I lose it.

I shout too much. I can't discipline her properly. When she does something that she shouldn't, I pick her up and tell her to stay in the corner for 5 minutes. She doesn't even stay there and I get even more frustrated so I just give up and end up resenting her and I know she picks up on it.

She repeats nearly everything I say to annoy me, she throws things when she's angry, she touches things she shouldn't, she runs off when it's dangerous, she can't accept "No", she constantly asks for sweet things, she tries to punish me with my punishments, destroys things (even her own things), stops in the middle of the road when she can't get her own way, tries to hurt me (pinching, scratching, throwing things at me etc) when she's angry, acts inappropriately by showing me her back side- she thinks this is funny and disturbed, calls me and others names when angry and more.

When she's happy, she's the nicest child in the world. So thoughtful, kind, inquisitive and lovely to be around.

I want to change how I parent her, especially my reactions to bad behaviour as she can easily wind me up to the point where I shout and sometimes have to drag her- like yesterday when I dragged her out o the road after she decided to collapse when there was an oncoming car and a bus driver beeped at me angrily. It made me realise that I'm doing things wrong.

I always apologise when I shout at her or get angry around her. But I still do it again, so worried she's not going to take me seriously anymore.

What am I doing wrong and how can I raise a child that's not so disruptive in school and unhappy with her life?

The first thing to work on is calm, effective communication between the two of you. I recommend reading How to Listen so Kids Talk and Talk so Kids Listen - lots of good ideas to try. Good luck.

Was just going to suggest that book. It saved my sanity and my relationship with my oldest.

You need a reset button. That book will give you one

I'm not at this stage yet but try not to be too hard on yourself OP. You've been doing your best but now have realised your approach isn't working so want to change, that sounds like a decent parent to me!

Only advice is to read the Phillipa Perry book The book you wish your parents had read (and your children will thank you for reading). It addresses your default parenting techniques, where they may come from and how to overcome negative patterns etc.

She's controlling you. As of now reward the good and ignore the bad. She will soon understand that positive attention is better than negative attention. When she has a tantrum or does something you don't like, tell her calmly what will happen if she doesn't stop it and then DO what you said you would do. It will break your heart at first but it will be effective in the long run and then you guys can start rebuilding your relationship. Recognise when she does and doesn't know whether something is wrong and react accordingly by either teaching her that it was wrong and why, or reminding her that doing bad things will result in consequences. Make sure those consequences are appropriate to her age and comprehension and don't use love or food as rewards or punishment.

Good luck.

It’s good that you realise that you want to parent differently . I like that positive parenting approach so that it’s never about punishing . There’s a website which covers every problem that you can think of . There’s a lot about the angry feelings that parents can get and how to deal with them and parent ‘ peacefully‘. It’s called Aha parenting ( because you read an idea and say Aha!)

errr addendum, you DO use love as a reward but don't withdraw as punishment. Oops.

Great thanks. I'll have a look at the books. Think I've heard of the first one.

I'm hoping I can reverse any damage I've done to her. I dont want to fuck up her self esteem or self worth.

It's difficult when her dad has a different perspective to parenting. He come from a culture where children are still smacked and hit with objects. He tells DD that shes lucky that I dont allow him to smack her. I would need to get him on board to change his ways of parenting.

I know very well it's hard to bring up a balanced child when the other parent doesn't do the same things. Your child's dad needs to keep his mouth shut because she really doesn't need to hear 'if it wasn't for your mother I would show you how much I want to hurt you'. My ex doesn't hit my child but he is happy to punch doors and walls in front of her to show his frustration.

I was hit as a child and the only thing it taught me was that lying gave me a chance to avoid being hit, whereas telling the truth guaranteed it. It also made me afraid to consult with my parents when I needed help in case they assumed I was to blame (which they always did).

My daughter and I are very close (8 year old). When she does something wrong I calmly explain it, and leave out the threats of consequences the first time. When she does something I like such as dress herself instead of waiting for me to help I go overboard with the praise. Positive reinforcement is always better than negative.

The very fact you came here to ask for help shows you are already a better parent who recognises when something needs to change.