Anime, gender, sexuality, 13 year old girls...

[SolivagantAdventures]

I have NC for this.

My DD is 13 yo and about to start Y9 in sept in an all girl secondary school. Towards the end of Y7, we started noticing some changes in her mood, the way she spoke, the things she spoke about...

She had developed a very close friendship with two kids in her form who started identifying as boys. My DD 'came out' as pansexual. She also started showing an interest in manga and anime.

We didn't make a big deal of the sexuality aspect of things beyond telling her that we loved her no matter her sexual orientation, and felt that anime was a healthy enough interest; we actually bought her books, movies, toys...

However, we also found that DD had been self harming and engaging in very dark topics with one of these kids, e.g. 'I am so ugly I should just die' and that this kid had coerced my dd into 'coming out' to us.

Fast forward to the end of Y8, and DD seems to have really settled herself into this identity. She has been ordering costumes for 'cosplay', she's obsessed with anime. I now feel whether I have been naive and I should educate myself. Problem is, DD is very defensive and will not share this side of her with us. In fact, she barely speaks to us at all, about anything.

She has recently fallen out with a good friend she's had since she was 5 years old, and she's very cagey about what's happened.

DD has very low self esteem. She thinks she's ugly and her way of coping is by not looking after herself. She resents us asking her to exercise and this has become an issue at home as she's been putting on weight. She'll happily spend all her time in her room with the door closed, playing minecraft and whatever else she does.

It's such a minefield. DH and I are trying to encourage fresh air, activities and exercise as a way to look after her body and mental health, but just getting her to do a 30 minute workout a day involves a lot of chasing, arguing, stroppiness.... I am worn out.

I am not sure what I'm asking here. I guess I'd like to hear from others with similar aged daughters who are also involved in anime and are gender/sexuality questioning?

I am concerned that because of covid-19, she will stay in her form for all her classes so the influenced that these 2 kids seem to have on her will get even stronger. She's on the waiting list to see a counsellor.

She has always adored animals. Now that my DH is mostly WFH we have been seriously considering it; I actually asked her yesterday and she said she wasn't bothered.

I have an older son. They get on well.

My dd sounds very similar. She is now nearly through that particular phase. I would take her out walking regularly or do some online yoga with her - some yoga classes are taking place outside at the moment too. Yes to counselling. You need to drop the nagging and do your utmost to keep commmunication going between the two of you (then you can nag!). My dd leant toward being trans, but I went down the path of explaining her brain was still growing and not to label herself as anything for the moment as it would be really hard to undo later. She made her own cosplay outfits. She’s now fifteen, and although not happy, seems more settled in herself. dm me if you’d like to. It’s a tough age.

Thank you purple. I think DD is gay, which is absolutely fine, and she knows that.
I wonder, should I just let her use her pocket money to purchase polyester crap from China for her cosplay?

Exercise doesn't have to be in the form of a "work out". As has been suggested why not go out for a family walk or a bike ride or something that will get you DD active and offline for a bit without the focus being on exercise.

@SolivagantAdventures I don't think you nagging her about exercise will help. Any chance her brother could subtly get involved, they could shoot hoops / walk together. If it's a less structured schedule eg him saying 'sis I'm going nuts shit up, fancy a walk' the. The pressure is off.

I agree about getting her interested in making her own outfits, could be a nice project.

Don't always believe teens when they say they aren't bothered! A cat or dog might be perfect, get her involved in researching them, let her name it / have it in her room.

With exercise, have you tried finding enjoyable active things you could do together, or active extra curricular activities outside school, that might help expand her peer group and build self confidence?

I know someone whose dd13 has now decided she is a gay boy, only child, heavily into manga, anime and cosplay. This is not to scare but just to say anecdotally maybe there is a link to be aware of. Moving school isn't necessarily the answer either, she has is on her fourth school ( a contributing factor?) I hope you find a way to reconnect and she finds joy in life again.

"Not bothered" leaves the door open. It's the teen equivalent of " there's something else that's really bothering me at the moment and I need you to intuite that, but that's interesting, tell me more"
Get dog rescue website up, do your homework and get her to a rescue centre as soon as they reopen and take a few out for walkies.
Definitely get her brother onside.
Yes if it's her money to spend let her spend it. No worse than a load of make-up

Quite honestly I'd be scared shitless by potential peer grooming. The self harm, identifying as trans and cosplay are all trends that have huge potential for harming your child. I'd love to a new area to get her away from these influences, remove devices and block the internet.

My Dd sounds similar to yours in lots of ways. When we found out that she had been speaking to people on the Internet (one had sent her something pornographic) we took all her devices off her for a time (couple of weeks with no internet whatsoever) and banned her from anime, and when we gave them back installed them with Qustodio (time limits and restrictions of what we can look at) and we also make all the children come offline and bring their devices down at 8pm.

We also have no qualms about making her stay downstairs socialising with the family sometimes as she has a tendency to stay in her room all the time.

Given the issue of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria and the high levels of self-harm, sucidal ideation and other associated issues with many teenaged girls, I'd do anything in my power to remove her from those influences. I agree with everyone else's comments to remove internet access. Could you home-school as an option? Or try and find a different school that's away from those influences (though I appreciate that this might be difficult)?

I'd look at using the cosplay to your advantage, since it seems to be something she's enjoying. Ask her what show/character she likes, and stealthily ascertain how appropriate they are. Don't just take the character designs at face value. Start a thread if you're not sure, as I'm sure someone will have seen the show and can advise.

Assuming the show/character is appropriate, ask her whether the character has a hobby. Martial arts? Archery? Swimming? Suggest she learns the same hobby - it'll make her cosplay more realistic.

Most anime characters are usually quite athletic, so you could also suggest that toning up and getting herself healthier will make her portrayal even better. Just be careful not to body shame in the process.

Suggest taking some photographs/video of her in costume in a few months - maybe with a nice backdrop of autumn trees. Challenge her to improve her self-care by then, as it'll benefit her skin, nails and hair and make for better pictures.

Buy some parts of the costume, but suggest making other parts. If she wants to attend events and enter competitions, you get higher marks if you made some or part of the costume yourself. There's usually crafting or sewing involved - great hobbies to have and skills that are easily transferable!

Reassure her that cosplaying cross-gender is normal, and it doesn't mean she needs to change her sex. You said she enjoys drama, so just treat it as a combination of improv and escapism.

Cosplay can be fine...it depends what it is she’s watching. My dd found some of her tribe at Comicons (which my geeky dh also enjoys), so in that sense it was valuable to her. We did dog walking last summer and enjoyed it very much.
The online stuff is hard. Dd seems to be the port of call when her friends are feeling very low or self-harming. Luckily she does communicate at least some of this to me and so I can direct her responses.
How about geocaching or Pokemon go?

I was very similar to your daughter, I loved and still do love anime and manga, cosplay and dress in gothic fashion. I also had low self esteem and self harmed. My problems were related to undiagnosed autism and the fact both my school life and home life were both bad. My grandparents called me Cinderella for a reason.

For all those saying turn off the Internet, don't. Its a place to escape to from the problems she's having. I can imagine had my parents did that, it would have made me very itchy and resentful.

As for excercise, you can use staying in shape for cosplay as an incentive. Definitely look at getting her a dog, my kitten I got when I was 16 after going through absolute hell gave me a reason to look after myself for her benefit.

Look in to if she's experiencing any problems at school. Getting her to open up might be hard. For me, my parents always got angry and victim blamed me when I hurt myself so I saw I couldn't trust them to help.

I've been there. I was very similar to Ops daughter. I can imagine how I would have felt had my parents done the same. In fact my parents did ban me from anime for two weeks back in primary school. I became sullen and withdrawn which was fine with them since I was banned for a 'bad attitude'. I was undiagnosed as Autistic until I was 16. Anime is a special interest and without it I feel like I can't breathe right. It's an escape from reality I depend on.

Anytime my parents would make me stay downstairs and socialise it was like ants were crawling under my skin and I had to have imaginary hedgehog spines out to protect myself.

How is cosplay harmful exactly? Same as identifying as trans?