My head is not in the right place at the moment.I just have a constant monologue going round and round about why I hardly have any friends and DH does and what I must be doing wrong. Like many others the endless coronavirus stuff has highlighted my lack of friends. I have 3 friends that I occasionally hear from ,but hardly at all. I finally met up with them last week and came away deflated. I have some fairly serious family issues going on at the moment and when I raised it with them I got talked over and felt not listened too.
The trigger to this current wave of feeling awful is really stupid.But basically DH has been asked to be Godfather for some friends who I thought we were both quite close too. I havent aired my feelings of course and the rational part of me knows just because we are married it doesnt mean to say I should also be asked. But it's just enhanced all these doubts I have about getting the social stuff right. For example , I often misjudge friendships and think they are better than they are and then get caught off guard when something happens. For example , I think someone is a good friend and then they make a shitty remark or I notice that I am always looking after their children and they never reciprocate.
This constant self analysis means I find nights out really difficult and come away thinking of what I said or did wrong. For example, when I saw my 3 friends last week and they asked about the difficult family situation. One of them cut me off halfway through and moved the conversation on even though I hadn't finished talking. That happens alot so I think I must go on too much. But its not one of those situations that can be answered with a few words.
I have a tendancy to say the wrong thing and then come away wishing I could start again.
DH OTOH gets this all so right. He has a large group of old friends , but none he is that close too. For example,when his mum had cancer and then died there were very few of the who really knew or if they did, no help was offered. They said their condolences when she died but not alot was said in the 2 years where she was in a nursing home.But, he seems happy with this and he seems to always know what to say and be liked.
Although I have been with DH for 20 years , I have always felt like an add on in this friendship group. The couple who have asked him to be godfather are part of this group and they met the same time as us so the woman has known everyone for as long as I have. However , she is definitely more part of the group and when we were all younger she was very much part of the socialising when I wasnt. However, in the last 10 years or so we have spent quite a bit of time with this couple and I have even gone out with the woman alone so had it in my head that we were all close. But now I'm thinking I got that wrong and perhaps they just see me as 'DHS wife and therefore we have to speak to her'.
I just wish I was a better judge of people. We met a group of 4 sets of parents when the DCs were small who I immediately got involved with. DH warned me about one of the women but I thought he was wrong. Fast forward 5 years and I conceded he was right after she made numerous bitchy remarks and our DD was excluded from sleepovers and all other manner of BS. It went on between her and others in that group though, but DH insisted on walking away. I am fine with that but I admit it stings a little when I see them all over FB on holidays together and having BBQs. Yet again it's me that ends up within friends out of the situation..
I went to university and whilst most people talk about what a great time they had and their friends from there,I had a good time but left uni and that was the friendships gone. The same goes with work places , I just dont stay in touch in the way others seem too. My 3 friends are old friends though as I have known them for 23 years after meeting at a hobby.
I am clearly getting all this social stuff wrong. Just dont know how to change it.