How to approach with our lodger/family member that he needs to move out?

[Foreverlodger]

Back in February a family member turned up and asked to stay for the weekend as him and his (now ex) gf were having problems.

Lockdown happened and he’s still here and intending to stay.

He’s not the worst houseguest - he watches our dogs when we’ve been out, keeps his room straight and pays just about the going rate for a room.

Recently he’s put me under a lot of stress as he’s put pressure on me for his new GF to stay over (my old high school bully that I know still does a lot of drugs/has a history for stealing etc) and not taking no for an answer (he’s asked three times and asked my partner to talk to me).

He’s been away this weekend and it’s been lovely. I’ve been able to walk around without a bra if I wanted, relaxed in front of the tele and had friends out in the garden.

I know he enjoyed being here and he says he doesn’t want to live alone. I don’t know how to broach it to him for him to leave. Do I do it over dinner? He’s not going to be happy or understanding but I do want him to leave.

Surely now your lodger has a GF, it would be the ideal time for him to move out. Rather than his GF moving in, he needs to move out and in with her. He then won't be living alone either.

You and DP need to have a conversation with him saying that the original arrangement was for a weekend, you understand about lockdown etc. etc, but now you need your home to yourself and need him to leave. Give him a clear date when he needs to be gone.

" I/we were happy to help you in your time of need but never intended this to be a long term plan. It sounds as though you are happy with your new GG which is great, but as you know I/we dont want any overnight guests so that's going to probably benefit issue for you.So, I/we think it's time we came to some agreement with you on when you will be moving out. How much time would you like to find something permenant? I was thinking a month. "

Tell him in person then give it to him in writing with the date you want him out so there can be no confusion. How long roughly would it take a person to find non-horrible rooms in your area? Give them that amount of notice.

Gah I meant GF and 'be an issus'rather then the random "benefit ' but you get the idea. Its straight to the point, sets outrage advantage for him and puts a time limit whilst leaving him a chance to respond if he thinks he needs longer. It doesnt make it sound optional which is key as it sounds as though your guest is a little too comfortable.

I really need to read before I press post. you get the idea.be firm and make sure theres a deadline agreed by the end of the conversation.

Say

" You have stressed us out with repeated pressure to let that woman stay here. She is a drug user and thief. How dare you ?

This is our home , not yours and we want you to leave. No later than the end of this month".

He asked to stay for a weekend, managed to stretch that out long enough that he was then caught up in your lockdown?

This is simple.

"Family member, originally you were only coming for a very short time. Obviously, with lockdown we were happy to let you stay as finding somewhere to live at that point would have been hard. But lockdown is largely over now and you need to find your own place."

This actually makes me so cross. HE is the one taking the piss but you're tying yourself up in knots to ask him to go?! [and yes, part of me being tied in knots is the deep seated knowledge that this situation can very easily, and will likely will, happen with DH' family...]

I'd be raging.

Agree that I'd be saying, Unfortunately you've made it such an issue, by repeatedly pushing for your new gf - who by the way bullied me really badly at school - to stay in my home, that I just want you gone. How quickly can you be out of here?

I wouldn't be worried about his feelings. He came for a weekend, has stayed 6 months and you want your home back. You've been far too good for him, and he's repaid you by causing stress.

Does the new GF have a place? Perhaps he could move in with her?

Anyway, I would say “when you split up with ex, you were supposed to be here for a short time. Obviously lock-down has extended that hugely so when do you plan on leaving? We were thinking you could start to look for a new place this coming week and perhaps be out by, say, the end of August?”

When he starts complaining just be very firm as if the whole thing is already decided “no, no, of course you will be wanting to have a place on your own/with mates/with gf” etc. I would brief any potential flying monkeys also - you don’t want that hassle!

Tell him it's best to move Now before Covid creeps back in again, now is a good time to look and to get settled somewhere with new flat mates so they get To know each other in CSe it kicks off again.
Do you have children? I'd also use this as an excuse, if he's got a girlfriend it's not appropriate to have her over with kids there, but you're not changing your mind about the ex-bully visiting and making you feel anxiety in your own home, along with the drugs and thieveary

Your GF is not staying overnight, she is not allowed to move in. Time to go love, we did our bit now time to move on and grow up. This is our home not a B+B. We'd like you to leave before X date.

If he refuses, bag up his stuff and change the locks, perfectly legal in a lodger situation.

Best of luck I'd be fuming.

Your home. You speak up for yourself and tell him he has outstayed his welcome. He goes at the end of the week. As for the druggy, bullying girlfriend ... she doesn't cross the threshold for a cup of tea!

I don't think there is much to be gained from making a drama of it.
Just say your circumstances have changed and you need him to find a new place by the end of the month.
If you start spinning a story it will sound like excuses and he will say things that take those reasons away...
So for example if you say that you are fed up with him pressuring you over his girlfriend he will say oh sorry I didn't realise I won't ask again.
Or if you say it's good timing to move out before covid 19 starts up again he will say he is still concerned and doesn't want to live away from you if there is another lockdown. And so on.
Just say your circumstances have changed and the current situation isn't working for you anymore. Happy for him to stay till the end of the month while he finds somewhere. And repeat.

@2bazookas has the right of it. How dare he pressure you? Tell him to go ASAP. I’d hate anyone in my house (bar my dh/dc!) You’ve been more than tolerant and accommodating, now is time for him to go. Quickly.

Wait, what? He wants the person who bullied you at school to stay over at your house?! Put your foot down and stand up for yourself.

Make sure you give a specific deadline for him to move out, otherwise he'll still hang around.

Be straight to the point and say little. Something like, I’m glad I was able to help in ur time of need but we need our house back to ourselves so you’ll need to find somewhere else by two weeks today.

Repeat and Refuse to be drawn into conversation.

Then in another couple of days look him directly in the eye and confirm when he’s leaving.

Is he gone yet?

He might not have had the conversation and found a new place to stay within six hours on a sunday.

He doesn't give a damn about your feelings. Just tell him he needs to go. I would also tell him he's a CF repeatedly asking if his bullying, thief of a GF can stay over in your home. This one is so easy OP.

if he's able to pay you the going rate he's able to find somewhere new. He's overstepped the mark trying to undermine you about the GF staying when you've said 'no'. Just give him a month's notice, in writing and let him know that is a hard deadline, he needs to be out by then. You need to act fairly decisively in case there is a strict local lockdown in your area. It's kind of you to help out but 6 months is plenty of time.