Teenagers - is there light at the end of this long tunnel?

[MyMessyHouse]

I need some small ray of hope from other parents who have been through this. Rude, lazy 17 year old boy. Barely speaks to anyone in the house, minimal effort with everything. He's been like this for about 2 years now. Anyone else had a teen like this who has turned back into a nice normal human being?

I hear you op! Seventeen-year old DD here ; she's not lazy but quite feisty and (understandably) v frustrated under semi-lockdown. Love her dearly but boy she would argue the hind leg off a donkey. The uncertainty about the forthcoming school year is not helping either.

If you read other threads on here, apparently they do get better. Also, I read a book about the teenage brain and they apparently can't help it, as they process everything through a different part of the brain to adults, which accounts for all the angst and up and down-ness of it all.

Top tips (from here) is to try and take a step back, don't take the behaviour too personally, and try and do something to enrich your own life if at all possible to give you a break from it all. Also, it's good to model "unilaterally getting on with things here despite current crap" rather than (like me sometimes) "maudlin utterly bemused mother".

Thank you. I have read every book about raising teens and am really trying my best. It's so utterly soul destroying and relentless. I remember the gorgeous sweet boy he used to be and it makes me want to cry. He literally hates me and and will not engage at all. I would love to hear from posters who've teen have been like this and turned out OK. My mind keeps thinking he'll be like this forever!

Ugh. I feel ur pain and started a thread a few weeks ago saying the same.

Funnily we went out for the day shopping for clothes for college etc. Had a lovely day. When he is engaged and is happy he is one of the most funniest people I know. I had such a wonderful day I really didn’t want to come home as I knew that meant he would be back in his room and I wouldn’t see him.

He gave us a fashion show of everything we have bought for September. I’m still smiling today because of what a lovely day it is.

But today he is back in his room. To be fair to him. He is not really rude he just never comes out. I have been told by 18 they start to change. But he will be at uni then so he won’t be here.

I miss him. I miss spending time with him. I’m hoping when the gym we all use is back to a place I feel happy being we will start spending more time together like we did before.

He is a good boy. But I miss his smile and his manic laughter.

Been through it twice, awaiting the 3rd time with 12yo DS

DD was an argumentative nightmare - it only changed when she left and went to uni. She learned to appreciate us whilst there and we lived together quite happily after that. She is 24 now and lovely to spend time with.

DS was lazy and grunted up until about 16, he got a part time job and it really helped him to grow up. He is now 18, in the army and we all miss him, he's great company.

They are tough years and it does sometimes feel never-ending but we are all close and happily spend time together now. We just had a bumpy few years in the middle.

I hope you don't have to wait too long for things to change. Its draining.

Yep and nope. 2 DS who both left home at 18. The troublesome one is the kindest, most thoughtful adult in the world (now 21). The easy, kind one though has now gone NC with me because he's in an abusive relationship with an older woman who hates me and my heart is broken (he's 20).

Yes and no.

DS was pretty good on the whole. DD was awful from 13 to 19 and difficult after that.

There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Ds was like this until about the age of 19 when he finally saw the light and got a job. Along with it came a mature and respectful young man. 6 years on he's in fulltime employment and lives in his own place.

BUT we're on the treadmill with the younger one now

It's bloody hard work and soul destroying but it's not forever.

I have 4 teenagers including a 17 year old ds. He is very lazy, does absolutely nothing, bedroom a tip etc. He would not eat if we didn't cook for him, he won't even put a pizza in the oven but will help cook at his gf's house apparently ! Does not know how to load the dishwasher or iron his own clothes.Hhe is utterly hopeless.

I should add my ds isn't rude just a bit hapless and unmotivated and doesn't really speak to anyone.

It's good to know that they make it out the other side. Im so drained from it all though, he's made some bad choices lately (as I probably did as a teen!)
I suppose I was so unprepared for the mental anguish. Wish I could just switch it off, so much harder than having small children!

getthepartystarted mine is also thinking of joining the forces (navy), I think it would be good for him

@MyMessyHouse DS made plenty of bad choices, it was a horrible time. We really didn't know where it would end. Then he was assaulted and it made him realise what lay ahead on the path he was on.

He got a job at the local pub, pot washing, and he worked harder than I knew he could. When he mentioned the army I knew it would be a good fit for him. He never enjoyed school and sixth form would not have been the right path for him.

Its been tough, I didn't expect him to move out aged 16 and only be able to visit now and again. He's been stuck overseas since January (thanks to coronavirus) and we missed celebrating his 18th with him. But he is a kind, decent and driven young man now. He makes time for all the family, keeps his room tidy when he's home, and always talks to us all more than he did during the dark years. I am so proud of him.

getthepartystarted
My son is exactly like this, didn't enjoy school, not many friends, and now has a part time job. He's just started though and enjoys it.
I will encourage the navy, your post has really cheered me up, thank you.

17 year old Ds here is the same. He’s in his room all the tine unless he wants food. Lazy, rude. He’s starting to be really cold to my younger dc who adore him.

It doesn’t help that we moved before lockdown so he has no friends (not that he was sociable anyway). He hates college.

He’s just so bloody horrible at the moment.

10 years ago our 17 year old DS1 was permanently disgruntled with us, having morphed from a lovely, easy going lad from about 15.
One day he told me that anything and everything that had gone wrong in his life was all my fault!
It's his 27th birthday tomorrow and this evening he's joined in with our weekly Zoom quiz, laughing, joking and joining in all the family banter and in-jokes.
It doesn't happen overnight but they do come back eventually. Looking back I was probably a stroppy bissum at times with my parents, although their boundaries were pretty strict.
The one thing I haven't done is ever bring up his past unpleasantness. Your lad will get there, they just need to test the boundaries with the people they know love them the most.

latedecemberbackin63
How lovely to hear that your boy has turned out like this. I hope you both enjoy his birthday tomorrow.

wankpuffin
We also moved about 18 months ago, and it definitely made things worse for him.

MyMessyHouse

One of the many good things about being a teacher is seeing what fine people the teenagers become.

Some that were, say we say, not pleasant as teenagers are some fantastic adults.

ds is 25. And today I would definitely say no change here from when he was fifteen. Still a bloody-minded arrogant self serving git. Happy to help.

DC went bananas for a few years, from 17 (he didn't at 13 as his sister came along, then at 15 his granddad died) then during lockdown he's decorated his room, kept it clean and tidy, does his washing regularly and even changes his bedding, goes to work without complaining, goes to the gym, eats vegetables. Who the hell is this 23 year old 😂😂😂