I've made such a mess of everything

[Stormydays78]

Name changed for this. Been married to dh for 15 years, together 18. 4 DC and 2 from my first marriage.

DH owns his successful company. I've posted before about our relationship problems over the years, basically the last 10 years he's neglected us, built up his business to the successful place it is now.

8 years ago we relocated to another part of the country so that he could do this. I don't work, he made it impossible for me to work since he wouldn't help with or support childcare. We've had lovely holidays, the kids haven't wanted for anything materially but he's never in 17 years been to a sports day, a dentist appointment, a parents evening etc.

A few years ago intimacy stopped, no sex, no cuddles, a peck on the cheek when he left for work.

I tried to talk to him about all of these things over again. Nothing chsnged. Eventually I stopped bothering. We just lived in the same house. It wasn't awful, just lonely.

Last year I started taking control of my life, I've lost weight, started walking.

I met someone at an event. A woman. From the day I met her I couldn't get her out of my head I'd wake up thinking about her, go to bed thinking about her. Gradually we became friends and started spending more time together. Since March this year we've been involved in an emotional affair. She feels like the missing piece of my whole life. She feels the same.

About the same time dh had an epiphany and decided he wanted to put everything right that was wrong with the past 8/9 years. I agreed to try but my heart wasn't in it.

Last week I told him about the ow, in the space of half an hour he'd told all of the 6 kids that we were splitting up, that he was leaving, told the oldest 2 ( 25 and 22) about the ow then left leaving me with sobbing children . My 13 year old autistic suffers from petit Mal seizures and she could barely speak.

My 22 year old DS told me I'd ruined everything and my 25 DD told me she'd never accept her/us and that we wouldn't be welcome at her home. She currently lives with us with 6 month baby and partner.

Terrified I called him. And asked him to come back. He did. I had to phone ow and tell her what had happened and that it was over between us. I felt like my heart. Was breaking.

We sold our house in February just before lockdown and contracts exchange middle of this month. The house we were supposed to buy pulled out a week ago so this week we've been house hunting for a rental. To add Interest I've shattered my elbow and am awaiting surgery that could be any day. I can't drive.

He's asked me a few times did you ask me to come back for you or the kids. I've said both.

I've been in contact over past couple of days with ow since I heard she'd been rushed into hospital earlier in the week. I miss her.

Couple of days ago we had another showdown and he said he'll leave again. Again I panicked and told him to stay.

I'm in such a state, I can't seem to let go. I'm a grown woman fgs, it's not fair on anyone. I feel like I just want to be on my own right now. I'm so afraid that if I leave him the kids will never accept me once they find out about ow. I literally don't know what to do.

All sounds very sad. But life hurts.

I love my kids with my whole heart, but I would not be letting them dictate to me how I should live my life!! (Kids come around after a while, once they have grown up abit and realise that no one should be forced to stay in a unhappy relationship)

You sound panicky. You need to pull focus on what it is you actually want for yourself. If you stay with your husband, would you be happy? From your post it doesn’t sound like it at all. Your obviously care for your grown up children, but they are grown up. They have their own lives to lead.
You don’t know for certain what your kids will accept.

Yes I am panicky. I feel like I don't know what I want. Dh wants to make it work, I know that if noone else was involved I could make it work. I feel absolutely terrible for hurting him

What does your dh want? What does the OW want? You are one of three adults in this. Your dh appears to be going through some stuff as well. Do you actually want it to work with him? You sound as though you have taken control of a failing marriage and made things happen (losing weight, meeting someone else) but are balking at the reality of actually making major lasting changes that affect those around you - maybe because you like the security of the current set up or because you are afraid of hurting those you love. That’s natural, but you need to make a decision at some point. Does it have to be rushed? Could you ask for a trial separation?

She wants us to fix our marriage. Ow wants me to leave.

I'm afraid of hurting people that I care about. I've felt invisible to dh for years, uncared about, not important, despite my attempts to tell him how much it was going wrong he didn't listen and I'm resentful that now all of a sudden he's taking time off work to go for long walks, having meet ups in the pub with colleagues and friends. All of the things I always wanted him to do but he never would because it was always work that came first.

I'm so angry with him that as soon as he had this epiphany he decided that our marriage was in trouble, that he might lose me and so now he wants to put it right. He's apologised for all of the years that he's ignored us and thinks that's that's enough.

I'm pretty sure its over. If it was salvageable I wouldn't have noticed anyone else. But Everytime he gets upset I get scared and I back down. It's exhausting for everyone

Don’t let your adult kids dictate your happiness. They may well be reacting in a shocked manner, but ultimately they are now living their lives and it’s important for you to live yours.

When I’m stuck trying to make a choice, I try to think what I would feel like if the offer were withdrawn - so with you, if OH said he didn’t want the marriage to work, how would you feel? If OW said she didn’t want you to be with her, how would you feel? I often find that this gives me the answer.

Ultimately, I try to remember my great granny’s advice ‘ life is not a rehearsal, you are here for a good time, not a long time’. Don’t stay in any situation which makes you u happy.

I feel for you OP. But it doesn’t sound like you rushed into this relationship with OW. Relationships break down and people break up and everyone survives. If you don’t love your dh and know it’s over I think you know the answer to all this.

It sounds like you need space to breathe and think which is tough at the minute.

The only thing I would say is make sure it’s not just an infatuation with OW. Have you had relationships with females before? I was dreadful with infatuations with females and being so certain I was in love but the intimacy part didn’t work for me. Maybe I should have tried harder!

zippyswife I've always been attracted more to women but chose the life I did because of childhood trauma, the fear of being cut off, ostracised, because I wanted a family and where I came from that's what you did. I've been attracted to women in the past and always had quite obsessive friendships with female friends but never anything that just called to me like it does with her.

I would say you need to step back and breathe. You don't mention all the DC but your 13 yr old daughter is very vulnerable in all of this - you need to keep talking to her and supporting her. Like a pp said - take care that the OW isnt simply an infatuation - I would rush to be with her at the moment. I would also see a solicitor - if all this breaks down you need to know where you stand legally.

Wow! The Mumsnet double standard yet again!!
You shouldn't have embarked on any sort of relationship before you left your dh, your marriage not being great is no excuse.

You have had a variety of kind, helpful and supportive responses, a man would have been annihilated from the off!

Yeah I'm not rushing into her arms or anything but it has given me a huge wake up call. Like I've been a different person for my whole life.

Youngest DC is friends with her DC as they attend same things, we home Ed.

I am worrying about 15 yr DD who has friendship issues at the moment and whomi also think might be struggling with her identity as I recognise her from my own teen years.

17 yet D's was involved in some drug issues last year and has had a really troubled relationship with DH. She has been working on this since his epiphany so I'm hopeful and my eldest DD looks out for him as he works with her do but he's pretty much nocturnal and I don't know how to turn that around.

I'm definitely focussing on me and the dc

Well if you'd been a man having an affair with a women outside of your marriage I doubt you'd have garnered much sympathy from people here, why should your situation be any different? You were unhappy in your marriage so looked outside it for attention, went behind your husband and children's backs and started a relationship with someone else. You made your own bed here OP, now you have to lie in it. Either make a genuine attempt to get your relationship back on track with your husband and let the OW go, or have the decency to leave properly and reimagine your life as you want to live it. Don't have any illusions that your adult children will come around though; they might eventually, but my dad left my mum when I was 18 for another woman and I never forgave him. It's 14 years on now and I've never set eyes on him since 🤷🏼‍♀️

allfalldown I understand that. I totally expected to get burnt alive but I posted because I don't know where to turn.

rottiemum I understand that. That's my greatest fear hence why I'm so torn. Do I put the kids happiness above my own or do I risk it? I don't think I can risk it.

I posted to try and get some balance because obviously my friends tell me you deserve to be happy, they know dh and they've seen how it's been over the years.

I never thought in a million years I'd be in this situation.

Do I put the kids happiness above my own or do I risk it?

I don’t think you should be thinking about it like that. It’s all very exciting I get, but you need some time to sort yourself out and for your kids to have a bit of breathing space. Rather than acknowledge that your marriage was over, separate and make a life for yourself, get you and the kids in a good place and then consider dating you’ve rushed head long into your next commitment. It’s not good for anyone.

If your marriage is over, fine. But take some time to sort that out before hooking up with the next thing. The drama is of your own making and is not wise at all. If that woman is the real deal then she’ll wait.

I am sorry OP you lost me at 'DS has had some drug issues...I am hopeful my eldest DD looks out for him....'you are right it is a mess.

You shouldn’t be back in contact with OW, hospital or not. You are violating your husband’s trust and stringing him along. What’s with all this woe-is-me back story of him not being emotionally present? If you weren’t happy, you should have left. You didn’t though, you stayed and lived the comfortable life on his earnings. Now you sound as though you’re bored and are rewriting history in your head to fit the narrative of having an affair. You should be putting everything into making this work with your husband if that what you promised to do. If you don’t want to do that - be upfront with your family and leave. It reads as though you’re a bored housewife who wants to have her cake and eat it, sorry. I’m not trying to be unkind and I apologise for the bluntness but I really think you should wake up and see this situation for what it is before you throw your family away so easily.

Reading through all your replies you are not getting much sympathy. So you have it from me. It seems you have way too much going on at present to really take time to consider what you want to do, but good luck.

raella50 I'm not rewriting history. I'm a long time poster and our problems are well documented on here.

I'm not a bored housewife, just an unhappy one. I certainly haven't been happy living on his earnings ( hollow laugh if you knew of the financial control he has).

I knew I'd get a variety of replies. People are allowed their opinion. They don't know us. I thought maybe this would help me find some clarity.

I've contacted a counselor, I am prepared to go as a couple to try and work through our history.

I haven't seen ow nor will I. I haven't spoken to her since checking on her at the hospital.

I’m confused.

When you left your h did your relationship with the woman become physical?

Or is all this happening because of an EA?

Many people have affairs .for various reasons .I am not here to judge you at all ,neither would I if you had been seeing a man .You seem to be carrying a heavy load ,supporting your DH business while looking after a large family as well. Your DC have had a shock, and may come round to the idea that you are splitting up in due course .ATM you are confused and torn between your DH/Family and the woman you have met .Can you maybe have a break away for a week or so ,maybe visit a friend or family? You say this woman is everything you want ,but you have known her a very short while in honesty.There is always the chance DC would not be happy and the older ones will be able to decide for themselves if they wish to reconcile with you.I am not trying ro frighten you just pointing out facts .Would you and DH be able to work things out at all?

I’m not judging you OP, people make mistakes but you would definitely be getting different replies if you were man. If a man posted, I’m having an affair because my wife doesn’t understand me and we don’t have sex, no-one would post things like ‘don’t let your children dictate your happiness’. So in that respect, you have made your bed now you have to lie in it, or decide who you want to lie in it with and stop stringing your husband and the OW along!

But I will say, it sounds to me like your daughter has a bloody cheek to say you wouldn’t be welcome in her home, since she hasn’t got one and you have been good enough to provide a home for her, her baby and partner!!