Has anyone found happiness in an unconventional way?

[impossiblenottodo]

Do you travel? act spontaneously? I don't know,.....do you live on a boat?!!
I am divorced with children and someone said to me this week that there is "someone out there for me". But I realised that I don't want another marriage or similar type relationship. This friend was describing the cosy routines of her domestic life and it was lovely to hear how happy she was, but it did not appeal to me at all.

I lead an unconventional life. To others it looks the same as everyone else's life, but internally it isn't.

In what way is it unconventional noego?

It's about perception. To perceive life as an observer rather than a participant.
For example I don't believe in human constructed concepts. Marriage, religions, philosophies, politics, any ism's, societal expectations of relationships as some examples. And I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks

Thank you for explaining.
I'll need to mull that answer over!

Step out of society and observe the shitstorm that it is and don't get involved. Its a comedy. You'll find contentment not being part of it :)

I don’t necessarily think of myself as unconventional, although I suppose to many people I choose to talk about myself to I must appear to be, in the sense that what you describe as “cosy routines” aren’t on my agenda, and I know they are on those of many other people. On the outside I’m pretty ordinary, do a senior finance/compliance job, am reasonably selective who I give details about my private and social life to etc. But a bit like you, I ended a relationship at 30 and, try as I might, just couldn’t get back on board with the idea of doing the same thing again.

I’m what’s known on the scene as a Burner )’( Several years ago, I discovered Burning Man and the Burn culture and many assorted lovely people who love it. I suppose that’s quite unconventional if your idea of a holiday is Centre Parcs or a nice week in a cottage. But it’s a wonderful, if slightly odd, community. I’m in a very happy open relationship, as are most of my friends; and many of my friends are also my partners. I didn’t think this is how things would turn out but I love it and I’ve never been happier. The convention of finding one person to meet all your needs and then trying to possess them just isn’t a convention that works for all of us.

I find MN a really interesting insight into how other people live their lives, because it’s so different to those of the people I surround myself with.

I spent many years thinking I wanted conventional and going all out to get it, before realising I don't! I've been at my happiest this past couple of years with a job wfh where it doesn't matter if the work gets done at noon or midnight and it's interesting to me how the others in my team stick to the conventional 9-5 Mon-Fri, even though there's absolutely no reason to (they all have either no DC or adult DC, all single - we're a small team). Whereas the hours I do are all over the place. I am a bit of a spur of the moment person and I do love travelling and have many times gone off somewhere with very little notice. I deliberately do temp work (which there luckily is an abundance of in my profession) because I like the freedom of taking leave more or less when I want, for as long as I want, or changing roles within the organisation. I realised I don't want the "ties" of a relationship. I don't want to have to always take another person into account in any of my decision making. I remember a thread on here where a woman hated her job and wanted to quit but her husband wouldn't "let" her and everyone took his side and said "yes it's not fair making him the only earner etc" (even though she planned to look for other work and had saved some money up). I would hate having so little control over my own life and I have seen a lot of similar examples on here. Funnily enough I wouldn't say to someone else "oh I'm unconventional" but when I compare myself to others then I probably am.

I don’t have an answer but I’m in the same position op so watching this thread

I don't believe in human constructed concepts. Marriage, religions, philosophies

Well that sounds like a human-constructed philosophy in itself, @noego!

What do you mean when you say you are an observer of life and not a participant? Presumably you're an active participant in your own life, though?

I'm a traveller and travel for 8 months of the year, I'm an entertainer and dh a musician.
We work to live and just cover essentials, rather than choosing a lifestyle and having to work to keep it.
We value time and family and don't use work or finances/stuff to define ourselves.
We see success as a life well spent, not job/career progression, bigger house, car, money etc.
We tend not to live the same way as many others, but life is a choice, to live how you want.

@LonginesPrime

It's an internal thing don't come at it from the external. That's the difference.

And yes I do participate in life as it unfolds.

I'm a single mother and not looking for another long term relationship.
I got a dog last year and will be getting a horse soon and going to live in a field, probably in a bit or caravan.
I'll then get a few other animals ☺️

I don't believe in human constructed concepts.

What about currency? How do you feed, house, clothe yourself?

I feel I'm in transition. I had the most conventional possible life but then was widowed. Nothing is settled, everything is open. I am definitely not living as unconventionally as I was a year ago, but I don't want to go back to a similar situation or get married again. However I struggle with that because my internal concept of what is likely to 'work' and even what 'this works' is, is so strong.

I've realised I'm much happier single, which doesn't seem very out-there but is incomprehensible to so many people. Everything, from the stories we're told as children to the songs in the charts, is all about finding The One. What percentage of novels don't include a romance, even in genres like horror? It's low.

I realised in my mid-20s that I didn't want relationships. But it's so much the norm that I still gave it a go when a man fell for me. Took me about a week to say nope, this was a mistake, and I don't think it will happen again.

I like to make my own decisions and do my own thing. I like having the whole bed to myself. I like never having to consider having sex for someone else's benefit. I get all the emotional support I need from friends. I don't need a romantic partner.

I seem conventional on the outside; primary teacher, mother, wife, step mother but internally I scooped up some of my core values from my time living in Buddhist communities in my early twenties and some things have never left me and do shape my life.
E.g. I NEVER get involved in gossip
I rarely drink but do sometimes
I see depression (for me) as a teacher and a healing symptom that is insisting I stop, go inward, rest, isolate and allow it to happen like a leaf dropping to the ground in autumn without resistance. When I come out of the other side, I feel clearer in my trajectory, more balanced/ happy.
I always use other people’s faults to help me reflect on to what extent I hold the same faults and try to develop compassion for those people.
There are loads.

I see depression (for me) as a teacher and a healing symptom that is insisting I stop, go inward, rest, isolate and allow it to happen like a leaf dropping to the ground in autumn without resistance.

I love this. I realised a while ago that depression was always going to be a part of me rather than something I would beat and live without forever and that I had to learn to ride out, not try and deny it and push it down which always made it far worse. So now i treat it like getting my period, I recognise the signs, acknowledge it’s going to be unpleasant for a while, and treat myself gently until I’m feeling better.

Very interesting
I’m living a conventional life but in my head it’s very different

Yes I do. I tried to do the normal stuff of job marriage house etc but was miserable for years. So I stopped working a secure job and started working temp contracts so I could travel in between. Financially it is a bit fraught and obviously there is some insecurity but I am actually much happier like this. People think Im mad but it works for me.

noego But I presume you happy avail yourself of the fruits of other people's conventional choices - healthcare, the judiciary, education, food production and societal infrastructure such as transportation?

I suppose I'm unconventional in that I don't enjoy serious relationships, I prefer casual dating/sex. I'm a single parent and I like living my life my own way.

I had DS young and when he's an adult I'll only just be hitting 40. I plan to do a lot of travelling then on my own.

Interesting to read. I used to go in circles in my head in my 20s thinking there must be a different way to live but always came back to "norms/conventions" exist for a reason. And then life happened -which while very average also had a lot of great stuff.

The restlessness has returned in my 40s. I am limited as I have a mortgage, job, commitments etc. And one of my children thrives on routine/predictability. But it might just help to stop and think about what I actually need and want to be happy.