When your children have conflicting needs...

[ConflictedMother]

...how do choose which child’s needs to prioritise?

I’m really conflicted and don’t know what to do. I have two children. The eldest child is autistic and attends a special school. The youngest child is neurotypical, very bright and is about to go into Y6. So the time has come to be thinking about Secondary Schools and this is where it gets difficult.

The school nearest to us is really bad, so bad that despite the published admission numbers being 150, last year only 40 children started in Y7. There are several outstanding/good secondary schools in the wider area but they are always oversubscribed. Where we live we have zero chance of getting into either of the two schools I’d be happy to send him to.

The third school he has a chance of getting into but I would rather he not go there as my eldest child went there before transferring to a special school and there was a bit of a home/school relationship breakdown, I don’t trust them, and I think it would be triggering for my eldest child to have the uniform in the house.

So I’m thinking of moving house to get into one of the other schools but I can’t find a house close enough to the school that would meet my eldest child’s needs.

We rent so we could move easily but where we live you can get a much bigger house for your money. We have a large garden, detached house (so we don’t disturb neighbours too much), children have their own rooms, we are in a very quite cul-se-sac on the edge of woodland.

Moving would mean the children having to share a room (this is potentially not good for either child). Either semi-detached or worse terraced so possibly irritating neighbours with loud shouting/banging/swearing. In a built up area with lots of main roads which could be very unsafe. A small garden which we might not be able to fit the trampoline in and which might not be secure. And finally a few places I’ve seen which might’ve been ok state no pets and we have a dog.

The choice is move house, youngest gets a place in a good school but home is difficult because not able to meet needs of autistic child. Or stay put with the high probability youngest ends up at a terrible school. I don’t know what to do.

Gosh that sounds hard.

The only thing I would say is that your reasons for your younger one not going to school three are maybe less compelling reasons than the other reasons? It’s basically a tie and a blazer. Which may or may not be an issue. I know you say you don’t trust them, but with most kids you’ll need minimal contact with them.

You wouldn’t be able to get younger into a better school because of logistical issues with the older one? Might be worth a call to the schools.

It won't be a popular suggestion on mumsnet but I would consider trying to get the dog rehomed if you are more likely to find a suitable place to meet both your children's needs.

I think staying put and having an appropriate home for both children's needs is most important.

Schools are always a bit of a gamble and leap of faith. If a move for a better school was not very sucessful, DC2 will not have home as an oasis either.

Is boosting education with a tutor a viable option if the school is so poor?

I've worked in tough schools, but if a child is bright enough for the top sets they often swerve the worst of it, and they are often nuturing for those with difficulties. It's the average children that come off worse.

Moving house seems to have negatives for everybody, unless you find a suitable house (enough rooms, enough garden, safe area, school catchment, pets etc), I think you shouldnt move.
Staying where you are seems to only disadvantage one child..... how you decide which is the least bad choice tho, I dont know

I can’t get rid of the dog, she’s family! She’s also been a huge plus in my autistic child’s life she helps him to interact more and leave the house.

Yeah a few people have said I only had a bad experience at the third school option because my child has SEN and it’ll be a very different experience for my academically able child who would do well there. I don’t know, it just makes me feel uneasy. I think if I felt secure that he would get a place there I could get over it but it’s 8.5 miles away and has become oversubscribed in the past two years. So whereas my eldest did get a place I’m not confident my youngest would. Also I’d have to drop him off and pick him up from the bus stop each day as the nearest bus stop to the school is two miles away. I didn’t mind this too much with eldest because he couldn’t travel independently anyway but I think I’d rather my youngest be able to have more independence. It’s such a hard decision.

It is a hard decision. However for me the bigger house, garden and separate bedrooms would be the priority. I have a similar situation (but my dc are older). I could not have them sharing a room - the impact on both children would be too great. My elder son breezed through school so I thought that it was a fantastic school - I thought very differently when my youngest (with SN) went and we had to move him. So, for me a sanctuary at home would be the priority. You never know how secondary school will go - see if you can get the best fit for everyone.

Honestly I would go for the third school in this situation and approach it with a 'clean slate' mindset. Unfortunately it's common for a perfectly good school to fail its SEN pupils.

I would rule out the ‘really bad’ school. Your bright child might do ok there but she will most likely do better in a better school. A PP said she might nurture others in a tough school. Quite frankly, I would never choose a school based on that. She is your priority not what she can do for other kids!!
I’d go for the third school. Not ideal.

Massively unpopular on MN thing to do, but if I were you, and could afford it, I'd move to near the good schools. Tolerate an unsuitable house for a year, then move back to the area and type of house you're in now once you've secured the school place...

I find things like this difficult to read as I grew up with a disabled sibling who also has a chronic disease and learning disability.

I ‘understood’ why they always came first but resented that I never did. From the moment you’re born you realise you’re nobodies priority and you’re just a bit less important in general.

I’m a successful adult now and have a good relationship with my parents but only because my DM realised what she was doing and ended up driving me 40 minutes each day to a very good out of area school which had places for me, had I not had a decent chance to succeed I would never have forgiven my parents. Never

We had this issue but in reverse. Youngest has an EHCP and school transport. If you moved would they have to give up their place? Are you moving out of county?

I think it would be worth going to talk directly to the third school and setting out your concerns. There may have been significant staff changes since you were last there.

You have my sympathy- we always feel like we aren't quite getting it right for one of our children. It's hard.

*OP have you considered local private schools which may offer your DS full funding?

They often struggle to get applications from families who would qualify for it!