He had an amicable separation but doesn’t seem keen to file for divorce

[DrebleD]

Hi all,
DP had an amicable separation from his ex after a 10+ year marriage that was mutual and we’ve been together a year.

It’s coming up to the time he can legally file for divorce but he doesn’t seem to be super eager about it. I know it’s hardly a positive event but I was expecting some kind of push on it from him rather than slowly pull away the plaster bit by bit and drag it out.
He has no kids with her and they just grew apart and realised they were different people with different priorities and their physical relationship was extremely lacking.

He’s been truthful and open about the whole separation and it’s been nearly 2 years now (they can only file for for divorce after 2 years post separation)

His ex has a new partner which DP knows about and she knows about me (they told each other and are fine with it)

DP has introduced me to all his family, all his friends and even his colleagues, says I’m the best he’s ever had that is just right for him, but I can tell he has a sisterly bond with his ex dull (he says she is not a bad person but she is just not compatible for him and as he was very young when he got married and didn’t get to know her properly as it was a very long distance relationship (different countries) before they got married.

He says he feels guilty that he’s only separated rather than divorced on my behalf etc (I said it wasn’t about me and does he want to get divorced) he said eventually but that will open additional pain on losing a life he created for 10 years. He says their split was mutual and he totally knows it’s the right thing to do but the feeling of failure and losing the life he created (their house etc.) aswell as a bit of guilt as she’s not done anything evil to him is tough.

Do you think this is a red flag where he might still have feelings for her / inner regret about the separation or just part of the journey to divorce regardless of how ‘over’ a marriage you are?

I have no idea as I’ve never been married.

I think the idea is he would see how it goes to file for divorce and/or do it if his ex pushes for it but he won’t exactly push for it on the first day he is eligible to do it

You've only been together a year and he's ended a ten year marriage. I expect he is not ready to marry again and would want to be sure he was marrying the right person. Why rush things? If it's meant to be it'll happen. After two years' separation or more actually getting divorced can bring back memories, good and bad.

I’m definitely not pushing for marriage at all - if anything he is still more pro re-marriage (though obviously not for sure) and he does sometimes feel sad that I’m not super keen on marriage myself.
I wasn’t expecting he gets divorced so he’s free for another marriage - more so that he’s not still legally married to someone else whilst in a relationship with me (which he persued and has been consistent and reliable about)

Thanks for your reply though - you do raise some valid points indeed.

Bump

I get it. Still being married protects him from having to give you any reassurances. At the moment, marriage cannot be on the cards.

He wants to stall. And that's sensible really.

But does that suit you? If it doesn't, you need to accept that you're with a man who is putting his own need to stay legally single before your need to have formality/commitment.

So, put yourself first as well.

I do see where you're coming from though, dating somebody who is legally married to somebody else is slightly uncomfortable if you think about it. I did it once. I did not want to marry him. But there were some old stalwart ladies of the parish type inner voices in my head giving everything a negative interpretation.

@L8Bloomer Thanks for the reply - you say he’s wanting to stay legally single but by putting off his divorce, surely he is preventing himself being legally single?

I am not a believer of marriage so it’s not phobia of remarriage that’s stalling him I don’t think (he finds it irritating I’m so anti-marriage anyway)

I guess it's a safe space for him.

He knows that the marriage he's in is going to end in divorce eventually. But by not rushing that divorce is free. He is free even though he's in a relationship and he has the benefits of a relationship.

I think that that is perfect for him.

Whether or not it's perfect for you is another story. Do you have a child, do you want one? Are you in your 30s?

If you want a child and want to be married when you have a child then this is not the guy for you.

I guess though, even if the above is not you, it could feel kind of insulting on a subconscious level almost. He's not afraid of losing you. A man who was desperate not to lose you would be progressing his divorce. Even if you do not want to get married it seems like a signal that he's happy for now, happy drifting. You're miss right now.

I think that's how I'd feel. And it would hurt if I were a little surer about him.

Thanks yeah I know what you mean. I’m really not into the idea of marriage or children (and I don’t have any children either) which is a sore spot for him as he is a bit of a romantic and likes the idea of marriage etc.

I guess it’s more the fact he’s seemingly afraid to fully cut ties with his ex via divorce that makes me feel uneasy rather than that he’s not worried about losing me (I’ve never really said ‘you get divorced or I’m leaving) I want him to do it because he wants to rather than under the threat of losing me.

I get it, you're not so keen to get married that you're going to give him an ultimatum, so if you're happy, for now, I wouldn't push it.

However that is with a caveat. You are free. If he is free, then you are free too. Covid 19 makes some of my suggestions inconvenient, but plan to visit a friend one weekend, go away with a group of single friends at some point. Be unavailable some weekends. He's not free to commit, so don't curtail your own freedom for a man who is not free to commit to you.

That's just my advice. Don't do it as a chess move. Just do it to keep your freedom. You should be free to do the things that are the benefits of being single, ie a yoga retreat for a week, a silver smith course, a night class, or even a girls' holiday in spain, or away with just your family and no partners, or EVEN a singles' holiday to a destination you've always fancied. Just maintain your independence and your bravery and don't handover your freedom weekend after weekend after weekend to a man who isn't free to commit.

or whatever random things you've always fancied doing!

What I mean is, without dating, without having sex with somebody else, act like a single woman sometimes. YKWIM?

Agree with @L8Bloomer
As someone once said "don't commit to someone for whom you are only an option"

But I do get how he might be feeling. I am about to separate after 25 yrs and children and we are amicable and hoping to divorce in 2 yrs. it's what I want but there's a feeling of 'finality' and it's sad and so many good memories. So I might also be dragging my heels in 2 yrs...
But I also felt like that on my wedding day - I was deciding legally not to be single and that was also scary!
and when I bought a house, and had a baby