This is long...so thank you if you get to the end!
My dad left when I was about 4, pretty much never to be seen again. He left us in extremely difficult financial circumstances, mainly due to his business going bankrupt and the fact he was an alcoholic. My Grandad on his side wouldn’t have anything to do with me, as I was born out of wedlock. I have had nothing to do with his side of the family, apart from receiving a birthday card from my grandma once a year, that stopped when I was about 8. I presumed she had died - but recently I found out that wasn’t the case, so who knows why the cards stopped!
About two years ago, thanks to google (he had an odd name), I found out he had died a few years back. No one had told me. He died of complications from MS according to the internet!
So, fast forward to January. I’m now early 30s. I get a message out of the blue from my cousin, on behalf of my aunt and uncle, his sister, saying they have been trying to find me for ages and would I like to exchange some messages.
Now there are many reasons why this is strange. We haven’t moved house since the cards were sent, we’ve had the same home phone number since forever and my Facebook profile they found me through hasn’t changed since it was opened. My name is also easy enough to find on the internet. So I had so many questions about why now etc etc
I did meet with them. It we really odd, as they had fallen out of contact with him for about the 5 year period I was alive. But they didn’t know about his bankruptcy, the fact he was an alcoholic etc. I’m not going to go into detail, but I have many reasons to know these things happened and aren’t just my mums version of events.
My dad told his family he had left me a fully paid for house, which is why he didn’t contact me and they believed him! Apparently when he got ill after moving away he didn’t want me to think I had to care for him, hence no contact. And he didn’t feel guilty as I had the house!
My grandad on his side died a year after he did and my grandma died recently.
Anyway...to the point. After the initial meeting in February, Covid happened and helped put a break to things. However now I am being invited to see my aunt again and more of the family, including visiting my grandparents grave.
I really don’t know how I feel! They were nice enough people. But their views on him and mine are so different. His choices have massively impacted my life in a negative way, yet they talk about him like he was a saint.
I don’t feel I can just get over that and just “get on with it” to get to know relatives who are basically strangers. Especially when they didn’t contact me when they knew my dad had weeks to live. They are all really close on his side of the family and very religious.
I don’t want to hurt their feelings and I don’t want to miss an opportunity to make new connections, but it feels like the unanswered questions will be the elephant in the room.
I’d also have to go without my family, as it wouldn’t be the best idea to have some less forgiving members of my family in the same room as them! So being alone would be difficult.
Thank you if you got this far. I just don’t know what to feel and need a bit of reassurance I’m not just being sensitive!